question - have I messed up?
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| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:46pm |
I broke it off with my BF yesterday after thinking about it for a couple of weeks - I don't know why - I guess I am afraid of what could happen with us due to our past. After 10 years of dating a string of winners, I feel like I finally made a healthy choice in this person.
See, we have been together for 10 months and it has been absolutely wonderful - we are both divorced, early thirties and he has children. We have both been down a road or two and we were so grateful to meet and realize just how much we are compatible and how easy everything seemed to flow. We were crazy about each other.
The last month to 6 weeks we have had 4.5 substantial arguements about who knows what, and now we have both panicked that it is suddenly falling apart. Me because I have my "unrealistic view" of how it should always be perfect - and him because he thinks it his unhappy marriage all over again.
I know that it is not going to be perfect, in fact I love an occasional disagreement, it clears the air and takes us to a little deeper level every time - but a long drawn out arguement once a week doesn't seem right to either of us. So with that and a half dozen other things I could pick at him about, I broke it off.
I am not sure why I did it, I and enjoy every minute we are together - I guess I am just afraid of it getting worse or being unhappy. I have just been through so much in past relationships, I am terrified of any problems. He says we just keep dragging our past crap into it and we are still doing it - we both don't know how to stop! We don't know how to take the other one out of the stereotype "typical cheating man" and "typical nagging woman" and just keeping the idea that we are no where near that and idealize the wonderful people we are to each other.
We agree that this is the most open and mature relationship that either of us has had and our backgrounds and childhoods mirror each other - I has just come down to scars from the past and fear of a true, open commitment. He has also expressed his fear of marriage and how he is not sure he will ever be able to do it again. I am not that bad, but I wish there wasn't so much pressure to always be going in that direction.
I guess we both feel like if we are having arguments after only 9 months, then how are we ever going to make it for 50 years? Is it just growing pains, or is it a bad thing? Do most serious couples have arguements to say, set healthy boundaries?
He is a beautiful person inside and out and I will be losing a great match for me if I lose him for good, I hope I haven't done too much damage already.
thanks,
Tonya

I strongly suggest you read "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.
Oh, I completely agree! My husband and I read this together when we were going through marital counseling and it helped tremendously.
And yes, it's true - the healthiest couples are the ones that argue on a regular basis, but they argue in order to reach compromises and learn about each other - not to score points or to "win".
Whenever I hear a woman say she and her partner never argue, I cringe, because I think there's some major communication missing if you NEVER argue with someone that close to you.
My main question is, what were you arguing about?
Our marriage counselor told us about the difference between one-time issues and persistent issues, and impressed upon us the need to understand the differences.
A one-time issue, for example, might be that your husband forgets to make a bank deposit one day and it screws up your checkbook balancing. A persistent issue occurs if your husband forgets to make the bank deposit and, in the past, his forgetfulness has caused other major problems in the household.
There's nothing wrong with having persistent issues - most couples have them - the trick is learning what they are and how to deal with them, since they're going to keep popping up over and over.
Read that book by Gottman; I really think it will help you to see that healthy arguing is not only OK, it's a cornerstone of most successful marriages!
But I guess if it's the worst that we do, then okay! 90% of the time it is a new issue, but old issues are the reason for the insurities that started it - such as my ex-fiance that cheated on me, so when SO is late from work and doesn't call, I get nervous. His past was a nagging ex-wife that scolded him for being late from work, so calling meant getting chewed out. After praising him for calling a few times, he now knows it's okay.
Most of the time it is a misunderstanding, and we NEVER hurt feelings or attack each other. I feel like it clears up the matter, BUT, we have had a tendancy to bring it back up the next time - such as the one time he said I was nagging him 2 months ago - I have brought it back up that I am a nag at least 3 times. Weellll, I guess I just really hate being stereotyped like that.
thanks!
I learned a lot during my marraige of 11 years, but somehow, some of the things just never sunk in until now. I picked up a book today at Borders called '101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married' by Linda and Charlie Bloom. Don't let the title fool you, it does sound trite, however, there are many gems in this book.
I am from the belief that everything happens for a reason, and if you are truly meant to be together with someone, than anything is workable- meaning he won't leave you just because you fight. You might want to consider these things as a way to determine if you made the right decision:
When he fights, does he fight fair? How do you feel when you fight with him- anger is normal, but degraded and terribly hurt is not.
The key to realizing whether or not he's a good man is to ask yourself first if he respects you. If he does, than the other issues are workable and you might want to reconsider your decision.
The both of you might just need a break, too- you know, some alone time where each of you finds time to do things independantly so that when you do spend time, the both of you appreciate it more.
I wish you luck, dear girl.
Hugs,
Welsh_Lily
Sydnie
Our fights are never hurtful, in fact I am usually over it in 20 minutes, he is the one that wants to stay quiet for a while and then analyze the relationship for two hours, but if thats what it takes for him to get past it than, okay. I know how men like to "rationalize and fix".
He is very respectable, kind and attentive, I can't say anything bad about the man except he is grouchy when he's tired, but whose not?
I am always sorry to hear about people breaking up - I understand the hurt. My SO was also with his ex for 11 years and she left - I am sure it was hard for him, but he says 2 years later he is glad for it now, he is a lot happier.
thank you!