Racist/Catholic Parents&The Perfect Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Racist/Catholic Parents&The Perfect Man
12
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 11:53am

I'm 27 and have been with Derek who's the same age a little over 18 months now. He really is the man of my dreams in every way imaginable, barely leaving my side being simply amazing during my cancer treatment for Leukemia which started about 6 months into our relationship.


I got the all clear two weeks ago and he proposed to me 5 days ago in the most romantic way possible. Everything was going so great until I brought him home to meet my very conservative and simply racist parents who treated him like pond scum the second they realized he was half black. He was implacably polite to them regardless for my sake and I couldn't possibly feel worse about it.


My mother simply has no filter and attacked everything from his home town to his occupation as a software engineer and I spend most of the dinner there trying not to choke them. His family who's a lot less wealthy than mine are the in-laws every girl’s wishes she had and made me feel like part of the family from day one.


It's like the fact that I quite possibly might not have made it through the last few months without him doesn't ever matter to them.The're threatening to cut me out of their will and completely disown me if I don't end it with him right away.


I don't want to lose him but I don't want to lose my family either. What should I do?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 9:07am

I'm not

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 11:15am

Your family's behavior is horrendous. They must not be allowed to manipulate you in this manner and treat your boyfriend so viciously. You have just gotten over a terrible illness and this person sounds as if he were a God send. Of course you don't want to lose your family, but you don't want to lose him, or yourself either. As we grow we have choices to make. We have to choose to live according to our own values and what is dear to us. If someone (including our family) cannot accept who we are and what is important to us, they become toxic in our lives and can be harmful. That is not love. It is control and manipulation. Let your family know you love them and want them in your life but stand strong and let them know they can't manipulate you in this way and attack something that is nurturing and meaningful to you. Don't put yourself in harm's way. Put yourself in a situation where you are loved, wanted and cared for. And, of course, I do recommend you get some help with a counsellor on this as it is such a loaded situation and you've just gotten through such a serious illness.


Best wishes,

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