rape & love?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
rape & love?
19
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:48am
hope someone can help me see clearly. i've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. the problem is i got to know him through a damsel in distress situation and i was on rebound then. we took things slow and soon we start the dating process eventhough somehow he doesn't make my heart turn cartwheels. i like him though as he's a nice person and i'd noticed that now after some time i have grown to love him. what bothers me is during the early stages of our courtship, he had penetrated me once while we was heavily petting and it upset me quite a lot as i'm a virgin and he had caught me off guard. i had made it clear there should be no sex. i was shocked at that moment and he quickly withdraw and my head just start spinning and i started to cry. the word rape came into my mind. i was trying to console myself by making him say 'i love u' to me but he said he doesn't wanna say it as it's not true at that moment and he wants the word to mean it rather than just to calm me down. he was honest he didn't love me yet at that moment. he apologize profusely and kept assuring me that he didn't insert his penis in me. however i know he lied to calm me down. after a few days i gradually calm down trying to tell myself he had made a mistake and i should forget about it. only after that he decided to bring the relationship further by finally bringing over to his pad. we didn't engage in sex after that. soon things got well and i begin to love him and i decided to have sex with him. the 'rape' didn't bother me very much though it pops in my head once a while. now lately it seems to bug me quite a lot and i felt irritated and angry, sad... how can he had not respected me? if he had not respected me then will he respect me later? i don't know why it keeps reoccuring in my head 'rape', it could be he had some financial situation where he had lost all his savings (he was in this situation when i just met him and i know about it) and now and it just occurs to me that i may not have that kind of 'security' i need with him in future.over all he's been treating me really nice, he's willing to talk when i'm unhappy, basically he's a good catch except for that 'rape'and financial situation. i love him very much. is there something i can do as i felt that it's eating me away slowly. how shall i approach him in this matter? i would really like this relationship to work. can i love my 'rapist'?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:16am
Based upon what you said, it sounds like he has problems with impulse control. If he wants to do something, he does it. Which may be why he has financial problems, as well. I guess you'll have to decide if it's something you want to put-up with or not. I will say that he probably lacks maturity.

I don't know if I would call what he did rape per se'. It was very inconsiderate of your feelings, yes. It's likely this pattern will continue with him. A word of advice, I wouldn't let the fact that he took your virginity make you feel beholden to him. I did that with my first bf and he was completely the wrong person. You need to evaluate him as person and try to decide if he's the right person objectively. You don't necessarily owe him anything, in my opinion. It's an unfortunate situation, also in my opinion, but you need to decide if someone who does things with little thought for the consequences, probably, is someone you want to spend more time and/or your life with.

It is a type of rape, certainly abuse, if he just kept hounding you to go further and further with him. Then, when he had you in the situation, he took advantage of you. That, to me, is rape. Also, I would watch what he talks about, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." If he talks about things that you find offensive, makes you acutely uncomfortable or makes you feel insecure, I would recommend that you break-up with him IMMEDIATELY. To tell you the truth, the more I think of it, the more this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you. Even if it wasn't rape, he shouldn't be making you uncomfortable like that. However, you have to make-up your own mind about this.

A healthy relationship just FEELS so much different than an unhealthy one. You're free to express your thoughts, preferences and feelings and still feel appreciated. You can ENJOY yourself with the person, rather than feeling you have to stay because they NEED you. Chances are, they're just taking advantage of you anyway. I will pray for you for wisdom to help you make the right decision. Best wishes!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 4:03am
thank u for the advice, i'd really appreciated it. i agree with u now about him being a person who does thing on an impulse. i know i shouldn't feel beholden to him like u say but somehow i never thought that i felt that. he'd never said anything abusive or show any abusive signs or threaten me for all i know. in some situations when i didn't like his behaviour i would always make a point to point it out to him i'm unhappy about etc... he did make the effort to change. he's open to building up the relationship and he never push me to have sex with him. and he's being open and patient about learning how to make me feel sex is pleasurable. he'd even accompanied me to the gynae once voluntarily eventhough i know he was really rigid about it and offer to pay half of the fees for my yeast infection as he felt like he had causes it(it's not him). mostly i feel like most of the time he's afraid of making me upset thus always asking me whether he can go out with his friends, work-over time... etc... his financial situation was cause by a failed business partnership and he's struggling with his own now... he had lost trust on partnership. i felt that this relationship is still worth saving but i just don't understand why sometimes i felt disturbed with what he did to me. shall i talk to him about it? on what angle shall i approach? is it my conservative upbringing? or is it im an irritated perfectionist?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to:
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 12:25pm
I don't think he raped you. Rape is about control and violence. You said no sex, yet you got naked with the man, engaged in sexual behavior and expected him to not get carried away in the heat of the moment. Your actions were very different from your words. If you aren't prepared to go the distance in sexually charged situations, do not get in them. I am not saying that he is blameless - however, it takes 2. He was responding to your actions which said "YES".

Love is based on mutual respect, shared values, and caring. I'm not sure you have those here. I suggest you stay out of intimate situations until you are fully ready to handle the outcome. As far as any man respecting you, no one will respect you unless you respect yourself. That means not compromising your happiness and values for any reason or behaving in ways that are directly opposite of whay you say and walking away when a person does not respect your needs.

You are the only person responsible for not letting people cross boundaries that you set.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to:
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:27pm

Tonitoons,


I have to disagree with you on this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to:
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:05pm
I am fully aware of a woman'r right to say no and you are welcome to disagree with what I've said.

I have been date raped before. With an off duty cop who definitely knew better. We had been casual friends. In my case, I was too intoxicated to know what was going on and even many years later remember only bits and pieces of that night. He was sober. He couldn't understand why I didn't want anything to do with him after that night. My mistake was trusting someone I didn't know that well to take care of me. He didn't. Was it his fault? Absolutely. He violated me. Was I also responsible? Absolutely because I put myself in a situation that I could not control or handle AND it could have been prevented. Did I deserve what happened? NO. Being responsible is not just right and wrong. Being responsible also means not doing things that can create situations you don't want to be in or those that can get out of hand. I did not say he had no blame, he does. However, her choice was to engage in behavior that significantly increased the risk of something she didn't want. She said no sex but chose to get naked and chose to be sexual with him.

A woman can say no at anytime and a man should respect that. However, the smartest and most responsible thing anyone can do is to not put herself in situations she is not prepared for. With sex, its way too easy to get carried away in the moment and then regret what you did later. Sexual responsibility lies with both men and women.

If I get naked with a man it is with the full intention of consensual sex. If I don't want that for whatever reason, I don't get naked. Period. And there have been numerous times that I have not wanted intercourse (no condom, my period, etc) that I have been sexual - the pants stayed on.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
In reply to:
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 11:11pm
I agree with tonitoons. I do not think the original poster was "raped." Let's remember the important fact here, that when she said to stop, he did so immediately and he has not pressured her into having sex since. That is what she said in a following post. She may have said she "didn't want intercourse" but then she got naked and involved herself in "Heavy Petting" in her own words. I am not surprised that he tried to penetrate her. I am impressed that he stopped immediately when she said to. How could that possibly be "rape"? I think she should be thankful she has a guy who respects her enough to stop in the heat of the moment. There are guys out there she could have been unfortunate enough to be with that would NOT. He does sound like a man who acts on impulse and I would be willing to bet he is very young. I think THAT is what she should ask her self whether she can deal with, not whether she can get over this so called "rape."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
In reply to:
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:51am
I agree with Tish 100%

In shamrocqs original post it was stated, "i had made it clear there should be no sex." He still penetrated her. That is rape. It doesnt matter if she was naked or giving him a lap dance or swinging from a chandelier. She "... had made it clear there should be no sex." PERIOD. If he couldnt control himself in that situation then HE should not have allowed himself to be in that situation. HE couldnt control himself. HE penetrated her. HE crossed the well stated boundary line.

The way some of these posters are talking is just the reason why so many women are afraid to come forward and press charges. They seem to be saying, "ah well, he is young i bet. Most guys wouldnt have stopped" I thought the 'boys will be boys' mentality was proven to NOT be a defense in the legal system. They seem to be saying that the woman is in some way responsible for the mans actions. To the woman who was drunk and raped by a sober police officer, why the hell are you taking resposibility for that?????? Sure, it isnt the wisest thing to get yourself so intoxicated that you lose your judgment, but it doesnt mean you are responsible for being raped. Your poor judgement does not excuse or diminish the mans guilt in this CRIME.

IF YOU DO NOT CONSENT TO SEX IT IS RAPE.



The law is quite clear on that. Even if you are drunk or passed out, or dressed in a mini skirt and heels or dancing suggestively at a club or whatever the other reasons are that people tend to give when they try to make it the womans fault. Rape is NEVER the victims fault or responsibility...EVER. She put herself in a situation with a man whom she trusted would respect the boundaries she clearly gave him. He didnt.

I am not in a position to give her advice though on whether to stay with him or not as I have my own issues with this topic. That is how i even came across this post, I was going to post an update on my situation. I forgave my husband for raping me and stayed with him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, and tried harder, and didnt listen to the women on here who told me to get out, yadda yadda yadda. As a result, I was raped again by him on friday.

The only other thing I can say to you is, if you have to ask, you've already answered your own question.

Be safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to:
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 6:30am

I still have to disagree.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to:
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 6:35am

She said to stop and he did, but the point is, he penetrated her

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to:
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:02am

Funky, That is exactly why so many rapes are not reported especially if it was done by an aquaintance.

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