rape & love?
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rape & love?
| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:48am |
hope someone can help me see clearly. i've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. the problem is i got to know him through a damsel in distress situation and i was on rebound then. we took things slow and soon we start the dating process eventhough somehow he doesn't make my heart turn cartwheels. i like him though as he's a nice person and i'd noticed that now after some time i have grown to love him. what bothers me is during the early stages of our courtship, he had penetrated me once while we was heavily petting and it upset me quite a lot as i'm a virgin and he had caught me off guard. i had made it clear there should be no sex. i was shocked at that moment and he quickly withdraw and my head just start spinning and i started to cry. the word rape came into my mind. i was trying to console myself by making him say 'i love u' to me but he said he doesn't wanna say it as it's not true at that moment and he wants the word to mean it rather than just to calm me down. he was honest he didn't love me yet at that moment. he apologize profusely and kept assuring me that he didn't insert his penis in me. however i know he lied to calm me down. after a few days i gradually calm down trying to tell myself he had made a mistake and i should forget about it. only after that he decided to bring the relationship further by finally bringing over to his pad. we didn't engage in sex after that. soon things got well and i begin to love him and i decided to have sex with him. the 'rape' didn't bother me very much though it pops in my head once a while. now lately it seems to bug me quite a lot and i felt irritated and angry, sad... how can he had not respected me? if he had not respected me then will he respect me later? i don't know why it keeps reoccuring in my head 'rape', it could be he had some financial situation where he had lost all his savings (he was in this situation when i just met him and i know about it) and now and it just occurs to me that i may not have that kind of 'security' i need with him in future.over all he's been treating me really nice, he's willing to talk when i'm unhappy, basically he's a good catch except for that 'rape'and financial situation. i love him very much. is there something i can do as i felt that it's eating me away slowly. how shall i approach him in this matter? i would really like this relationship to work. can i love my 'rapist'?

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Come-on - there's a big difference between being drugged and raped and getting all hot and heavy and saying no, stop (and he did!).
JMHO
Coolas
Still, she told him from the start, no intercourse!!
Myths about aquaintance rape:
He could only have penetrated her if her clothes were off - and I am assuming that was consensual. Yes, perhaps he should have asked, but men do get carried away - he was NOT raping her - if he had been raping her, he would have continued after she told him to stop. He might have lacked some good judgement, no asking her before he went ahead and penetrated, but I'm sorry, if you are engaging in heavy petting, with your clothes off, but you don't want to 'go too far', then I think you are playing with fire. Sure you can keep saying 'well she said no intercourse' - but she put herself in a sexual situation and things got heated and I think there are plenty of guys that would 'try it on'. He IMMEDIATELY withdrew and apologized profusely - that is NOT an act of rape, if anything, it was an act of stupidity.
I'm sorry that you feel this was rape - I wholeheartedly disagree - I think this girl was stupid to be naked with this man if she did not want it going too far, I think you are right that when a girl says no, she says no - but she did say no and he stopped!
You are entitled to your opinion, just as I am entitled to mine - but being drugged and raped against you will is VERY difficult than going a little too far in the heat of the moment and then withdrawing IMMEDIATELY the girl says no and then apologizing profusely. That is not rape - rape is when somebody forces you to have sex against your will - did he force her? Or did he go a little far and then apologize - big difference. JMHO.
Coolas
I believe every single person in the world is responsible for their safety and well being at all times. That never changes unless you become brain dead or are a child. in my case, MY responsibility was to not put myself at risk with strangers. I got stinking drunk with people I didn't know and trusted my well being to them. It was not a smart choice on my part and the consequences were wahat they were. This happened in the days when the term date rape had not even been formed. I assume NO responsibility for what the guy did but I myself provided him the opportunity to do what he did. Protecting myself from unwanted attention is no one else's responsibility but mine.
I think there is a fine line in here - shades of gray. Being responsble is just that - thinking about the possible consequences and being willing to deal with them if they happen. This was the lesson I learned fom my ordeal. Way too many people use the "I'm not responsible" mantra for a whole myriad of things when in fact their choices often create the situations they find themselves in. If you don't want something, don't put yourself in the situation where it is likely to happen.
If she truly believes he raped her, then she needs to stop seeing him and file charges.
Toni
It does sound like you have a considerate guy there for the most part. However, it's understandable that you would be irritated about what happened, from my perspective. A girl wants her first time to be special and planned, I think. A part of you probably wanted sex or you wouldn't have gotten into the situation, from the sound of it. Even so, you wanted him to show enough respect for you by waiting for you to ask, probably. I think that's completely reasonable.
However, he's human and has flaws. I suppose you'll just have to ask yourself if you can forgive him for this or not. He did take-away something very special and irretrievable, but he is also sorry and it sounds like he made a human error, as opposed to manipulating, using or coercing you. To tell you the truth, in some ways I think virginity is over-rated, not that it's not important. What I mean is, I held onto the idea of virginity when in fact it had already been taken away before violently. However, as they say "ignorance is bliss", it wasn't until I was able to consent, or not, that it actually bothered my conscience at all. Then it became an issue. Two years later I sought forgiveness from God carefully with tears and felt like I received it. Sex is a BIG deal, but God also understands. Marriage, of course, is the Biblical answer, but getting married just because of it can be a mistake.
Maybe that is partly why this is an issue for you, guilt. You have normal, healthy desires but you want them tempered with reason and sound judgment. This is probably where you take issue with your bf, I'm guessing. He wants to leap into this and you want to "look before you leap". This is probably an issue that will remain in your relationship. However, if you have a good relationship, which it sounds like you do, perhaps you can both balance the other. Which it sounds like is happening since you tell him things that bother you and he tries to change, you said.
I reiterate again, that you'll probably have to decide if you can forgive him for this or not. If I were you, based upon what you've said of him, I wouldn't hold this against him forever. I would tell him that it bothered you, certainly, perhaps telling him why, etc. Sometimes people need to be shown how they hurt you and why or they just don't "get it" or learn from it. Then, resentments can keep accumulating when someone keeps doing something you don't like, ignorantly or not. Also, people can learn to disrespect and take for granted someone who doesn't say "ouch" when they've hurt them. After you have confronted him, and he seems to understand and appreciate what you're saying, I would let it go. Breaking-up with him would just make you want to find another relationship probably and what you lost cannot be retrieved with another guy, anyway. It would just create more confusion, in my opinion. It's o.k. to mourn, however, but I would do so privately, or to someone other than your bf. You don't want him to feel you're going to hold this against him forever. Of course, you have to make your own decisions about this, and what you can and cannot live with.
A little off-topic advice about the yeast infection. I didn't have yeast infections my whole life until I took a full course of anti-biotics. Before that, I'd always just taken anti-biotics until I felt better. I ended-up with a full-blown yeast infection. They're the result of an imbalance of the intestinal flora, I've read. It took about six months before I stopped getting them, but taking acidophilus and other friendly microbiotics have eliminated them for me again. The best ones are the "pearls" that don't dissolve until they reach the intestines.
Sorry this is long. I wish you all the best!
but now i know what i want to do. thank you all again for the input.
for golightly2004, thanks for the yeast tip. i too agree on the antibiotics. i was not feeling very well and i took some antibiotics and it flared up. i too think that it was caused by condoms with spermicide. the spermicide destroyed the flora too. i've switch back to regular. no problems anymore.
Firstly - rape has nothing to do with values - it has to do with somebody forcing you to have sex against your will. What your boyfriend did was get carried away and in the heat of the moment, he 'went for it', perhaps thinking that you wanted it as much as he did - he was wrong and the minute you said no - he stopped. THAT IS NOT RAPE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, no matter what the other poster seems to think.
There is no blur here - what you have is a man who got carried away in the heat of the moment and decided to try his luck - at most he was inconsiderate of your feelings since you had discussed previously that you didn't want to have sex. But you need to take responsibility for the fact that you were naked and both obviously very hot and heavy - many men would have done what he did and perhaps with another girl, they would have been welcomed 'in' so to speak.
Rape is when somebody forces you to have sex against your will, after you have said no. The minute you said no, it was over. THAT IS NOT RAPE. If you'd like to continue to think it is, then go ahead, but then I'd be inclined to end this relationship - since it certainly isn't fair on your boyfriend - if you're going to hurl that at him when arguments and disputes arise, that will be very unfair.
In future, if you do not want to have sex, I would not get naked with a man under any circumstances, no matter what you might have previously agreed on.
Coolas
To begin, as I see it,
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