rape & love?
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rape & love?
| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:48am |
hope someone can help me see clearly. i've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. the problem is i got to know him through a damsel in distress situation and i was on rebound then. we took things slow and soon we start the dating process eventhough somehow he doesn't make my heart turn cartwheels. i like him though as he's a nice person and i'd noticed that now after some time i have grown to love him. what bothers me is during the early stages of our courtship, he had penetrated me once while we was heavily petting and it upset me quite a lot as i'm a virgin and he had caught me off guard. i had made it clear there should be no sex. i was shocked at that moment and he quickly withdraw and my head just start spinning and i started to cry. the word rape came into my mind. i was trying to console myself by making him say 'i love u' to me but he said he doesn't wanna say it as it's not true at that moment and he wants the word to mean it rather than just to calm me down. he was honest he didn't love me yet at that moment. he apologize profusely and kept assuring me that he didn't insert his penis in me. however i know he lied to calm me down. after a few days i gradually calm down trying to tell myself he had made a mistake and i should forget about it. only after that he decided to bring the relationship further by finally bringing over to his pad. we didn't engage in sex after that. soon things got well and i begin to love him and i decided to have sex with him. the 'rape' didn't bother me very much though it pops in my head once a while. now lately it seems to bug me quite a lot and i felt irritated and angry, sad... how can he had not respected me? if he had not respected me then will he respect me later? i don't know why it keeps reoccuring in my head 'rape', it could be he had some financial situation where he had lost all his savings (he was in this situation when i just met him and i know about it) and now and it just occurs to me that i may not have that kind of 'security' i need with him in future.over all he's been treating me really nice, he's willing to talk when i'm unhappy, basically he's a good catch except for that 'rape'and financial situation. i love him very much. is there something i can do as i felt that it's eating me away slowly. how shall i approach him in this matter? i would really like this relationship to work. can i love my 'rapist'?

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