RE: Lies, Lies and more Lies

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
RE: Lies, Lies and more Lies
12
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:39am
My husband had the NERVE to ask me the other day Who was more important to me My boys or him..CAN YOU BELEIVE THAT. He told me that in the bible the husband is suppose to come first. But were talking about a verbal abusive stepfather here of only a couple of months. I beleive in the bible they are talking about the bio father. He said you need to choose who is more important OMG...GROW UP. Of course I said my boys :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:25am
Well, from what I learned, according to the bible, the marriage relationship is supposed to come first (which would mean putting your husband before the kids) but you have to realize the context in which that was written. Yeah, a wife is supposed to put her husband first but that husband is supposed to be a God fearing man who puts his family first, so in the situation described a wife could put him first because he would be doing everything in his power to protect and care for the children. This protection would mean that the wife could focus more energy on her husband and not feel so overwhelmed with caring for the kids. But I don't think your husband fits this category so his interpretation of the bible is a little off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:19pm
actually, if i am not mistaken, the bible refers more to focusing on the MARRIAGE and not one's PARENTS, i.e., if there is a dispute, then the married couple are supposed to respect EACH OTHER before they listen to their own parents.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:14pm
Well, regardless of what the Bible says or doesn't say - your husband is a grown man and your boys are children. They are children still, right? If they are grown, then disregard this - LOL.

You chose to bring your kids into this world and you have the responsibility to make decisions that are in their best interests. As children, their wellbeing must come before anything else in your life. This doesn't mean you can never do anything for yourself, of course, just that you have to make sure what you do doesn't hurt the kids. Your husband is an adult. Presumably he can take care of himself. He doesn't need someone else to make a stable home for him and help him become a well-adjusted adult - he is supposed to be the one making the stable home for others. As a parent - or step-parent as the case may be - he has taken on the responsibility for these children. As you know, being a parent means sometimes having to make sacrafices for the wellbeing of the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:20pm
Does it matter what he says anymore? Have you left him yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:11pm
Oh! Heavens I have been back in my house since the end of Feb.

But What I can't figure is what would posess a grown man to ask such a question? He is so jealous of my relationship with my sons.. its crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:59pm
You know what?

I'm in the same situation. But, my husband of 4yrs ( 7 yrs relationship) is the father of my last 2 of my 3 son. The boys are 9, 4 & 15 mos. He tends to be verbally abusive more to my son (9 yrs.) and I stay in his a-- all the time. I feel that these are my kids. I did the long 9 mos. , went through the Very hard labor & delivery, I feel my body was put out of shape. I feel that If I do all the parenting, potty training, homework & discipline, you have nothing to say. I've let him know time after time. I don't care what happens in this world, I love you, but I love my children more. Now maybe this was cruel of me to say, but I feel that you could walk out & leave me anyday, but my 3 sons are here to stay. From the bible "children are a gift from God". So I feel you said the right things.

Continue to let your children know each day how important they are to you.

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:08am
hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm - lol My father told my mother that she turned us kids against him, that she loved us more than him. Guilt trip. My ex-husband told me that my son had me wrapped around his little finger. That I loved my son more than him. Guilt trip. My son enjoyed doing things with me but not with him - my ex-husband was verbally abusive and a very jealous person.

"In the bible it says, spare the rod and spoil the child." "In the bible it says a wife should submit\obey\please her husband." "I'm the head of the family, I make the final decision." Verbally abusive partners use scripture to make us bow down to them. In healthy relationships partners share equal responsibility and communicate willingness and are proactive to do their share in nurturing\loving and raising children to be all they can be. How dare he try to take that from you and your children. You don't need to prove anything to him. He thinks of your children as being less than himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:16am
Where you left in Feb, I really truly wish you would QUIT TALKING TO HIM. If you are divorcing him, let the lawyers talk, thats what you pay them for. If you dont have one yet, GET ONE. You do NOT have to take harrassment, and what he has recently said is NOTHING close to what he was doing in Feb. DONT enable him to hurt you further, girl. Let him go. Divorce him and get on with your boys into a better life. The more strings you let him hold, the more he's going to make you dance like a marionette. Let him go, cut off all lines of communication. He's not going to suddenly be fair, or be just, or be right, OR stop spouting scriptures twisted to his own needs. Dont let him try to trick you into a no-fault divorce - he'll take you to the cleaners. He's had no problem trying to until now. Look, he was wanting your house signed over to him, even when all this fighting was going on, dont you think he might be trying to butter you up? Get a lawyer, it will be less expensive in the long run, and quit accepting his calls or making them to him. Please honey leave him alone.

The Bible is a very powerful thing, everyone can read different things within it. Speaking scripture to justify your actions is not religion. Living it well is what does. Sounds like he has a homogenized version of it, to my way of thinking.

Hmmm. Bible also says dont lie cheat steal... wow, guess his has been edited? :)

There is an enormous difference between those who let God speak through them rather than using God to speak through. Always remember that.

Any contact with him, whether you see it clearly, is INTIMACY. Fighting is intimate - you dont fight with those you dont care if they live or die, you just ignore them. Fighting is intensely personal and its a way he is using to keep in contact. You DO NOT HAVE to talk to him anymore. I so wish that you wouldnt!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 12:25pm

First of all, when there is a new marriage, and particularly when there are step children, it is common to have a sense of rivalry and wondering where the new partner fits in. Clearly, your new husband wants to feel as though he is first in your affections. In and of itself this is normal, there is nothing wrong with it. Most men want to feel as though they are first with their wives. This does not mean that you should not love your sons deeply and take wonderful care of them, but you also must make emotional room for the new husband and help the sons to do the same. This is a delicate and often difficult process. It requires, time, patience, care and understanding. Secondly, you say that he is verbally abusive. That is another matter entirely. Abuse is never acceptable under any conditions. So, we have two different matters here. I suggest you seek some professional counselling about how to deal with this situation, which could escalate if not handled properly. Go with him to a counsellor and get some communicatioin going - understand how each are feeling and also set boundaries for behavior which is acceptable and healthy to you.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:30pm
Why do you care why he does the things he does? He's not a 'grown man'. He's a self-centered, spoiled, nasty child in a grown-up body. Why are you wasting your brain power on this?

This is fairly easy to deal with. STOP LISTENING TO HIM! Block his email, don't answer his phone calls, change your number. IGNORE HIM!

He is a proven, documented liar. Why, oh why, are you wasting your precious time on this idiot? Haven't you already given him more of your life than he deserves? Surely, you can find something far more valuable to do with your time for the rest of your life. Like doodling, for instance, or watching paint dry. Far more lofty endevours, IMO.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

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