really confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
really confused
3
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:23pm

Hi! I'm new to this board and I saw so many great responses to everyones quesitons that I thought i'd give it a shot. I'll do my best to keep it short but probably won't happen. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me in October of this past year and we've been playing this cat and mouse game every since. When he broke up with me I was devestated. We were living together and basically I was a mess. We still talk every single day and still tell each other we love each other before we hang up the phone or leave each others house. We were even each others dates for new years. I gave him 3 monthes to I guess come to his senses and he didn't. So I decided to try being single like him and date around. I was having a blast being single. But deep down I still wanted him. I guess I never gave any other guy a real shot because I was still in love with Eric. Needless to say around the end of January guess who started to come around and want to get back together. I don't know if it was control thing or what but I wasn't ready. I stilled loved him just as much but I wasn't ready to get back with him because I was so hurt from the fact that he broke up with me in the first place. Oh I should say the reason we broke up in the first place was because I was ready for marriage and he wasn't. He's always had a fear of commitment because he's watched a lot of people around him go through divorce and he never wanted that to happen to him. Anyway, slowly but surely that wall I put up started to come down more and more. In April I broke my foot and was out of work for a while. Even though he was going through the police academy and barely had any free time, he would always come over and take care of me whenever he could. I realized what a great guy I had and didn't want to lose him. Here is where the cat and mouse game comes into play. Now he wasn't ready to get back together. Argh!!! He started to see some girl he was going through the academy with. This has been going on for 3 monthes now but he's not making that commitment with her. Is it a friends with benefits thing? Is she someone he's using to kinda get it out of his sytem before he gets married or what? Whats funny is, is now that the shoe is on the other foot i'm so mad at myself because i'm so scared i've let the love of my life get away. We still talk everyday and see each other all the time...if not going out for drinks, or he comes over and watches a movie or I go to his parents and hang out there...but we still tell each other we love each other. He still spends nights at my house and just cuddle. I asked him today if he knows the differance between love and being in love and he said yes, explained it to me and said that he's still in love with me. That he sees us together forever, just not right now. I'm so confused!! How can he be in love with me and still be "seeing" another girl? Just so you know I haven't slept with him since we broke up so he's not telling me what I want to hear so I give it up. His parents love me and tell me things that he tells them. And the funny part is, is that everything he tells me he tells them and his friends! He graduated the academy and with my luck, Eric and the girl got the same precint in the city. So now their working together all the time. His dad mentioned to Eric that it really bothered me that they are working together and he told his dad that he knows it's not going to work with him and this girl. His parents told me that even though it's hard to understand, I just have to go with the flow and let it run its course. He knows its not going to work, but he's got to see that it doesnt. I'm sorry this is so long, it's just a lot of time we've been apart to cover. I don't know what I should do. Do I walk away, or do I stay and hope things change? Not to sound naive, but Eric's not one of those typical guys. He's not saying things to me to make me feel better because we're already broken up and he's not getting anything from telling me this stuff. I've known since the day I met him we were supposed to be together. I should also mention that he goes out of his way to make me happy. If he knows im upset he'll do whatever it takes, like a surprise visit or phone call or text message. I mean, this "relationship" is just so confusing. Just the way he looks at me I know he's still in love with me, I just can't seem to figure out why he can't be with me...urrgh! I could use any help I can get...so please respond with any advice!! Thanks!!

Tiffany




Edited 7/10/2007 10:38 pm ET by tiffany467
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:53pm

You kept repeating, "he's not just telling me this to get what he wants." So clearly you think that might be the case. It doesn't matter that you aren't sleeping with him - he is still getting the warm & comfortable long term companionship that only comes with knowing someone REALLY well. He's getting the sex part from his gf. Between the two of you, he has it all. So of course he isn't rushing to make any changes. He does keep telling you that he sees his life w/you bc he wants to keep you on the back burner. He wants an ace in the hole that he can always turn to. If you are the love of his life, he wouldn't be interested in having a gf!

Yes, you should move on. Yes, you should date and explore other r/ships. If your r/ship with Eric is "meant to be" and he is the "love of your life" (I use quotations bc I have had many loves and see lots of potential partners out there...even if I am very happily married to a wonderful guy)...then everything will work out. If not, you don't want to wake up one day and see all the "good guys" taken bc you waited around for someone. Its never fair for anyone to ask you to wait. There is a reason you didn't trust him - and it turned out to be a good idea for you not to get back w/him in Jan. Clearly he had his eye on this other woman! You have your head screwed on right, good for you! You deserve and full time man who only sees you.

Good luck,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 3:59pm
I think you should refuse to see him anymore under these circumstances and move on. As long as he's hanging around on the fringes, you'll never truly get over him. And so long as he thinks he's got you waiting in the wings, he has no reason not to explore relationships with other women. Stop waiting in the wings. Tell him you're done, and stop taking his calls. Either he'll shape up and get rid of the policewoman, or things will be definitively over. Either way, you can move on.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:31pm
He isn't ready for commitment, not from anyone. He wants to date, he wants a best friend to talk to everyday, he wants to cuddle, etc. And he is getting all of it from at least 2 women. If you want to find a real boyfriend then stop talking to him and hoping that he will turn around.