A really confusing journey

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
A really confusing journey
3
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:01pm
I am a confused male.

I went on a blind date with a girl. I went on two dates with her. They went fine, but I would not say great. We did not do anything physical. I took it slow and did not receive any feedback to increase the intensity. Believe me, I was looking for it. I make a rule not to touch a girl until she initiates contact. For example, touching my hand. We agreed on a third date. She said she had a good time and wanted to see me again. That was fine for me.

I went on the third date. We were sitting having luch. I say about 15 minutes into the meal. And she got a call on her cell phone. She answered. It was a girlfriend of hers that she already saw earlier that day. She asked me if she could invite her and her baby. I guess they were hungry. I was like sure. I was shocked. What else could I have said. She asked me a little later if I wanted to leave so she could be with her friend. At least I believe that is what she ment. Like I said I was stunned and my listening skills were not in top condition. I said I will stay. Her friend came and she paid attention to her friend. She did NOT ignore me. Which I was relieved for. I felt like I was hanging out with them. All of us left for the parking lot together. There was no privacy at any time. I gave her a hug out of the confusion. I basically concluded in my head this was just a blow off and that would be it.

But this is where the confusion comes in. She called me while I was driving home and said she had a good time. I am still interested and give me a call. She said I hope I have a good time at this gathering I was going to. Basically, my impression was that she was concerned that I thought she dissed me. And implied it was not. I told her I would still call her. I was like what is going on?

She called me four days later, and left a message. Since it was only 4 days and I did not call her as of yet. I called her back later that night, but she was lukewarm but not rude to me throughout the conversation and seemed only politely interested in my offer of a date that weekend. She ended the call after 10 minutes. That actually ticked me off! Instead of calling her that weekend, I did not. I never had set up a date only a generality of an offer, therefore, she never planned for it. I wanted to call but did not want the letdowm.

I called her the next week and and left a message. She called me back and told me how she still wanted to see me. My impression was that I overreacted and she was hurt by my aloofness. and I decided to start from scratch. I set up a date for the weekend and it was actually for special event that she knew required a modest amount of planning on my part. She had to know I was interested if I invited her to this type of event. She canceleld the last minute because her friends had a party planned for her. She asked me if I was going to call her because she wanted to see me. She did give me times she was free. But I was like this is a wild goose chase. And basically said I was not interested. I have never called her back. She never did either.

I need some perspective here. I have gone out on many dates with quite a few women. But this was just plain confusing. I never had mixed signals like this.

Did not I blow things out of proportion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:34pm
Well, you what I think may have gone wrong...HER. Obviously, she doesnt know the meaning of the difference between friendship and private personal life...I mean i understand where she's coming from, you know...the whole idea that guys come and go and friends are forever...but i think she didnt know that she was choosing her friend over you during inadequate times....She doesnt realize the difference btw dedicating time for her friends and over-doing it....i would think that is kind of rude for her to invite her friend over on one of your dates...obviously she doesnt take you seriously...that or she doesnt feel or see it as a "DATE"...she probably sees you as a friend or just a "part-time" companion...I really couldnt differentiate why she hasnt been hit ....she's making a big mistake by not managing her time correctly.

Have you spoken to her about this? If not you should and try to find out what's realy going on and why she's not giving you the attention you deserve..

I think there's lack of communication btw you guys...not once did i read thru what you wrote, about taking time to talk about it or confronting her..you seem as if you are lamenting wahts going on..

remember this....No one knows whats the problem, until you point it out and make it known...


Good luck,

Keep us posted....

Lovez Marz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 3:08pm
I have a few different thoughts on this but the most important is related to what you want and how your are going to have it achieved. Are you looking at dating as a means to build a solid relationship or are you mostly interested in a casual dating environment? Whatever it is I think you need to declare it to her so that expectations can be effectively managed. You're not saying that you want a commited relationship with her - you would be saying that that is your relationship goal. You own the responsibility for that discussion now.

However, I really wonder if this woman has much repect for the value of your time. She may be after the benefits she receives from attention regardless of how it is provided. If a woman was on this board with a similar story - where a guy invited his best buddy to join in part way through a date AND that the guy flaked at the last minute to a date she set up so that he could go out with his buddies instead - the majority of responses would be to dump him and move on. Consider that carefully as her actions are proving her integrity.

It does come back to what you want to achieve, how you plan on reaching your goals and if the actions of this woman are complimentary & supportive to your progress.


Edited 3/21/2004 4:29 pm ET ET by spice.man

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:11pm
Thanks everyone for their responses. I actually see it as a red flag that a girl does not touch my hand, hold my arm, etc on dates.

After that third date in which her friend was invited to, my interest level in the girl was greatly reduced. I found it insulting. It was very close to being a dealbreaker. That is why I was hesitant to call her back right away.

I thought since it was a blind date arranged through relatives and not friends(big mistake), I decided to give it some time as I did like her. After all, these are unusual circumstances to meet a person. She might have had some pressures from her family that I was not aware of. But her actions cemented my suspicions that she did not want to know me.

I have decided not to call her back. I already stuck my neck out. It would be to akward.