Really need some strong advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Really need some strong advice.
3
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:58am
This is going to be long...and serious. I am in a really strange place right now and I am unsure of how to handle my thoughts and feelings.

My ex and I have had one child - born in 2001. We have tried to work out the kinks in our relationship several times but each time we end up splitting up. He is a reformed addict and for that I am very proud of him. I am over the past but it seems that we have been arguing for so long, we don't know how else to deal with each other.

Every few weeks, I start to have feelings for him. Then they pass. Then they come back. I do not know why, nor am I sure what my heart is trying to tell me...am I supposed to be with him? We do have a child together and we are both very much involved in the child's life. He recentlt told me that he is still in love with me and bought me an engagement ring. I told him we were better as friends. We just split up 2 months ago. Now I am starting to want him back again. My issue is, I don't know if I want him for life. I know that sounds petty but I can't explain it.

I think he and I could be great together if we could just focus on US and our families were not involved. Due to financial woes, I had to move home with our child, and my family members are very resentful of him.

He recently bought a home and has asked me to help him decorate it - I agreed. I am hoping that we can be alone in the new house and perhaps over time we can work out the kinks. He has no idea that I feel this way. I don't plan to tell him right away.

Should I say anything or wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:26pm
Life is rarely going to afford you the opportunity to block out that which causes stress, anxiety, or difference of opinion in order to "remain in unity". And that is what you're proposing.

If your families are opposed to your union....realize that there is always going to be friction and stress. That means you need to lose the Norman Rockwell image of all o fyou sitting around the Thanksgiving feast and merrily toasting one another...and accept the fact his parents aren't approving of you, and yours aren't approving of him and that if you wish to remain together you're going to have to remain united as a front and as a unit, and realize that their disapproval doesn't mean as individuals you disapprove of each other as partners.

But if you're continuously in disagreement about your values, priorities, boundaries, standards, goals, and ddefinitions of a great life and how to achieve it - realize you aren't fundamentally compatible and that is the problem at the core. YOu an't resolve that - you'll only be impacted by it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:26pm
Consider these questions to help you sort through your feelings:

Have you two thought about seeing a counselor should you get back together? Are you forcing yourself to feel romantically toward him because there is a child involved? What choice would you make for yourself if their weren't?

What is different since you split up? What steps have either of you taken or how have you changed so that it would affect the relationship positively? Do you trust that he wouldn't get involved with drugs again?

YOu can love someone and know that you can't live with them. Your child will be fine if you continue a respectful friendship for her sake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:31pm
I would not say anything until he is off drugs for at least a year and you are ready to accept the whole package - family, finances, etc. I would not help him with the house until and unless all of those things are true.