really too busy??
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| Fri, 10-19-2007 - 2:25pm |
I was very recently dating a man who was pretty close to perfect, by far the greatest guy in every way that I've ever dated. However, earlier this week I noticed a significant change in him and new what was coming. His aunt passed away recently and the funeral was Monday this week. He said that it's made him start to re-evaluate his life and he's realized that he's got too many things on his plate which could very well be true and that he doesn't have time for dating right now. After all, he does have a few business ventures on the go that he's pushed aside over the last little while and business partners are beginning to get antsy - this is something I was aware of before the dumping. Even still, when I hear the words "too busy" I tend to jump to the conclusion that he's just not interested anymore and that situation I can understand somewhat. What threw me off though was this . . . he suggested that we have a conversation in a week's time to see where things are at that time. I told him that I didn't see a point in that really since his situation wasn't likely going to change in a week. He thought for a few moments and then said that I've presumed to know him and what's going on in his life. To be fair, I don't know him that well just yet as we'd only been dating about 3 weeks. I realized in retrospect that one of his work contracts is coming to a close - the one that he's been to every day over the last month or so, so perhaps that's why he was suggesting that we have another conversation in a week's time.
About 20 minutes after I got home, he text messaged me and said "I'm sorry to have upset you. It would not be fair if I cannot put the time in to get to know you and make a relationship. I would like to keep in touch." I told him that I would be ok and that I was open to keeping in touch but that he'd have to be the one to take those steps. He replied with "That's fair".
I suppose my question is this . . . is it really always that when someone is "too busy" they're simply not interested OR are there some rare cases where they simply just have too many things going on right now? And what would his motive behind keeping in touch and suggesting a followup conversation in a week? I've never heard those two before so I'm not quite certain as to how I should go about processing them.
On a side note: He is by far the best guy that I've ever dated. He's emotionally stable, financially stable, responsible, and extremely considerate and sweet. He's always treated me with the utmost respect and has been the first and only man that I've dated to make me realize that I deserve that. All of the others have only torn me down and made me feel less of myself but he showed me that I am better than that and not once did I feel self-conscious around him. Even though he's chosen not to see me anymore, he's the first man that I've not felt anger with for that, only sadness. I now realize that I deserve to be with someone amazing. If it's not him, then it will surely be someone just as amazing or perhaps even more so. So for that, I am truly thankful.

Welcome to the board squirrelly-girl2007,
It is possible that he was just really busy and needed a week. It is really hard to tell. All you can do at this point is wait and see if he contacts you. I am glad that you realized that you deserve a good man who will treat you right.
Best of luck to you.
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to this board too squirrelly-girl,
I replied on the other board....
Truthfully, no.. I don't think that a guy that is interested (enough) is ever too busy to make time for you.
You may not like what I'm going to say, but I really think that it might help if you keep an open mind and some thick skin? It's not gonna be pretty.
You've thrown this not-quite-ready-for-prime-time "relationship" under the bus, basically, you've killed it before it even had a chance to get off the ground, and I feel badly for you about that, because otherwise you might actually have something going there.
I think it's highly presumptuous to think you know that his situation won't change in a week when you've only known/dated him for three weeks. He may be coming off a very long project, and his world might be getting ready to change. Even if you knew him before, the "knowing" dnamic changes once you start to date.
I also think you're getting really ahead of yourself in saying that he's ....."pretty close to perfect, by far the greatest guy in every way that I've ever dated..... He's emotionally stable, financially stable, responsible, and extremely considerate and sweet."..... It's not truly possible to make those assessments of him in such a short period of time in dating, you haven't seen him come up on difficult situations yet, you don't know the strength of his character, and yet, there he is way up on a pedestal, teetering precariously based on three weeks' knowledge of his persona. After several months, a year even, you might be able to say that with all certainty, but three weeks?
The too many things is NOT a rare case, I think if someone has too many things to juggle and they still make the time for you, that's actually going to work against them in the long run, because their head's not where they're at. Make sense? It actually speaks incredibly well that he has the presence of mind to tell you hey, things aren't all that great right now and I would like to make time with you, but it's not fair to you if I have you waiting around. He's right, it's not fair. What you say in that instance is, "Thanks for bringing that up, I appreciate your forethought to this. I'm just going to do my thing and you give me a call, let's see what happens then." Then you continue living your great life. Ta-da, relational and self-esteem crisis averted.
The trick is not in waiting for the right guy to come along, it's in making yourself be the best person you can be no matter who's there or not. Then, it's immaterial who comes along, because only the good ones will stick.
Good luck,
Thank you all for your responses.
Coltara: I'm still torn between whether or not he was being genuine or just a guy. He did email me yesterday to say that he hopes I'm well and talked a bit about an event I'd been planning on going to with some friends. He didn't mention anything else in regard to our conversation a few nights before. I was glad to hear from him but on the other hand, disappointed that he hadn't said more or even slightly express that he'd like to see me again in the future. Perhaps it's a start though. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
Coolas: I would normally be the first to agree with you and while part of me still does, I have had a little more time to reflect on the situation. Death in the family can certainly make people react in strange ways and perhaps this is just his way which combined with work loads that have been becoming increasingly overwhelming I can somewhat understand. Having said that, if it was me, I would find the time too even if I was crazy busy. However, I'm also aware that not everyone is the same way and views and responds to things differently. I can sort of see it from both perspectives. Since he did email me yesterday morning, I would like to think that he DOES have an interest in me but is just too busy trying to clear other responsibilities off of his plate like he said. However, I can also see it from the perspective/opinion that you gave as well. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
Sandra: Your message wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to sound. :) I don't think that I threw it under the bus so to speak as you suggest. True, I perhaps shouldn't have tried closing the door on having another conversation about it in a week but at the same time. He was always upfront with me about his business endevors so I did know that he was getting behind in work. I also knew that one of his contracts was coming to a close in a couple of weeks. I don't feel that I've ruined things completely. I knew enough about it to know that he was busy but I also feel as Coolas did above, that he could have continued to see me on a reduced time basis if he was really interested. Having said that we hadn't been seeing each other long anyway so perhaps that's too much to ask for at this point. As far as getting ahead of myself in respect to saying that he's the best man that I've ever dated, I disagree. I am the only one who can say that considering I am the only one who knows how poorly I have been treated by all of the men in my past. This was the first man who treated me with absolute respect all around and never pushed for anything that I wasn't ready for. He'd call when he said he would call, he'd text me during the day to see how I was, he'd call just to say hello. He'd call to make plans, he was an absolute gentleman, and he was more and more wonderful and sweet the more time we spent together. I can't say the same about any of the other guys that I've dated who all got increasingly worse and worse in the way they treated me even in the first few weeks. While I haven't known him for very long and don't know how he'd react to difficult situations, I do know enough about his character to know that he's not a complete sleaze. Even if the "too busy" excuse turns out to be absolute crap, I know that he treated me with respect and made me realize that I was worth that much. I do completely appreciate your opinions and respect them, however, I disagree.
Thank you ladies for your responses. :) They are all appreciated.
You know - I've been where you are many times; dating some guy who is sending me mixed signals - who seems into me, but then is busy or cancels or whatever.