Really worried..how to keep distance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Really worried..how to keep distance
3
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:39pm

Hi I could really use some advise as I have no one I can confide in.


To make a long story short an exBF of mine was searching for me over the last few years.We haven't seen or spoken in over a decade.We had been very close for many years,then when I was tying to get out of an abusive marriage we became more involved.I was trying to sort out my life for my child's sake,and he became impatient and dumped me,married a penpal after 4 weeks and was posted to Iraq.


I got my life together and am now married again.We have had our ups and downs but have been fairly happy and he is a good husband.However recently we were having problems and my DH was not very supportive of me when my mother was critically ill recently.The other guy had traced me and last year we talked,his marriage had broken down within weeks and he told me he loved me.I told him I was married and to get involved would be wrong.He emailed me recently and because I had been told my Mom was dying that day I replied and told him.He has since been in contact to wish me well and to see was I ok. Well my Mom made an amazing recovery and my DH and I have talked and resolved to make it work.


Now my problem is how do I keep my distance from the other guy who was so good to me when I was in bits?I told him my good news and when he emailed me back he said"bye,love you x".


I feel like a heel if I don't talk to him anymore..but at the same time I love my DH,please can you offer me any advise?


Thanks.K

href="http://www.magickalgraphics.com/">~Magickal Graphics~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:44pm

Welcome to the board krazykitkat28,


First if you want to keep in contact with him, tell him that you don't feel comfortable with him signing emails that he loves you.


If you talk to him as a friend, I think the contact is okay. If your feeling go beyond friendship, than you need to end the contact.


Tell him exactly how you are feeling and that you don't want to be rude, but you feel like you should be devoting all your time and energy to your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 3:35pm

Welcome to the board krazykitkat28,


If your husband was getting emails from an ex saying she loved your husband, would you want him to be in contact with her? If not, end contact with this guy. While your husband hasn't been emotionally supportive, don't let this guy stand in as your support..... it's like playing with fire.





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Thu, 03-13-2008 - 11:18am

Hi again,


Thank you both for your kind replies they made a lot of sense.I have done a lot of soul searching to try to sort it out .I have come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is to go "no contact" at least for a while. I spoke to a counsellor recently and she said that the other guy has no respect for personal bounderies.She also said that I have to stop feeling like I have to be so nice and polite and afraid to tell someone to back off if they persist.


I am so annoyed that I allowed myself get drawn back in again.He broke my heart many years ago and yet I STILL find it very easy to like him again..so dumb.


Thanks again x

href="http://www.magickalgraphics.com/">~Magickal Graphics~