reassurance addict?
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| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:16pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years solid, we are the same age. We were together 2 years before that as well but broke up and went our separate ways for a few months.
During these months he started dating a girl two years younger than I. He was into sports heavily at the time and that is how they met by playing together. It didn't work out between them and we got back together, but obviously I do not like this girl and do not wish for him to be speaking to her/seeing her.
We no longer live in that community full time but are going to be living there for a few months until next Fall. He has been there for two weeks without me and plays sports with the community again. I learned that she is also playing sports and they are sometimes on the same team. This has driven me crazy. He says they have no contact unless it is related to the game, but I do not want any contact at all. After all, it is how they originially met and became attracted to each other.
All I felt like I wanted from him was reassurance. "Everything's okay", "You have nothing to worry about," but he would not give it to me. I told him today I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore. I was basically asking for reassurance and he still would not give it to me. He called later and asked me what the hell was wrong with me, I replied that in the reverse situation I would do anything to reassure him and make sure he felt okay about the situation. He states that he plays for the sport, not for who is there playing and that I am "the only one for him,". However, I feel like it's too late. After all these years he should've been ontop of it immediately, I should've never felt like I was pulling teeth to get reassurance.
I said I wanted a break, not sure what to do. We have suffocated each other the past year and are very attached but I am not sure that we can function in a healthy relationship. Things only seem to go wrong when other people get involved.
My question is, am I wrong to want reassurance? Am I wrong for not wanting him to talk to her?
We are supposed to be getting a place this Fall, but if something little like this can have such an impact I am not sure that that is a good idea. I feel subconciously I am almost wanting an excuse to get out. I start to think of how I wish he were more affectionate, etc.
What is going on here that I am not seeing?

You've said yourself that there are other issues going on in this relationship that are troubling too you - you're too attached, can't function without each other, he's not affectionate enough? Clearly, you are uneasy about the relationship itself. Perhaps this is a wonderful chance for you to get some distance from him. Perhaps you are latching onto this girl as a way to get out?
Before you leave the relationship, it would be a good idea to truly understand what's going on for you, what the real issues are. You might be able to fix them. Things might work out beautifully. And, when there are unsolved problems and we just run away from them, we often just repeat the situation in our next relationship.
Get some good counseling and work on what you're really feeling and what's truly going on. Don't do anything on the cuff...give it time, care and understanding to see what the real issues are.
Best wishes,
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