rebuilding ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
rebuilding ?
2
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:24am
Hi

Short history: hubby had an affair over 2 years ago with the daughter of his best friend. She was always round the house so I was witness to their courting. I tried to put a stop to it but got told that they were just friends and I wasn't confident enough to say "I don't care, you've got to stop anyway coz it's hurting me".

I don't know how long they actually lasted as a 'couple' - hubby says 10 days but I know he was still phoning her a year later.

The following 2 years were sheer hell with hubby treating me badly or ignoring me (guilt maybe?), and me spying on him and feeling totally unwanted and unwantable.

Eventually the truth came out just before Xmas and we split up for a month.

He's been back since mid-Jan now but not a day goes past without me thinking about this affair. I would dearly love to be able to start living again but I'm haunted by questions and memories of various incidents during that period, not to mention sudden surges of real anger. Will I ever get past this ?

Thanks for any help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: hils_italy
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:16am

Its hard enough having to deal with a SO's affair, but its another to still be with them when you havent forgiven them.Thats whats going on...you arent ready, or maybe you dont want to, forgive him.But, untill you decide, you will feel like this all of the time.Its not healthy, and it isnt fair to either one of you.


Have you considered counseling?


You need to make the concious decsion to do whatever needs to be done to forgive and try to get thru this as a couple, or move on with out him.You cannot stay in a union with someone and continue to throw this up...because then you are just as wrong as he was. I know its hard, but if this isnt something you can get over, wouldnt you rather move on and start over with someone lese you CAN trust?


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: hils_italy
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:44pm
There is a Betrayed Spouse Support board here at ivillage as well as Healing after Betrayal board. I don't know many people that can rebuild without help. He's betrayed you and has to be willing to work with you on the issues and your feelings.

Reading material though like I said a third party can really help:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm

www.marriagebuilders.com

My best to you.


Carrie