Rebuilding Trust in LDR
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-04-2008 - 12:39am |
I need help with a situation that I've created and know the best source for info/insight is iVillage - there is no better way for a man to understand women than to ask for unabashed feedback.
Every time I've asked for help and candor, you've provided such amazing insight I cant help but come back again and again - so here goes
Here is my situation and I need help
In Jan 2007 I was working out of town in Madison and had been for 9 months. I had a girlfriend of 4 yrs in Austin but we were growing apart - Peg.
In Feb 2007 I started seeing a woman in Madison (Marie) as a friend to see a town I was not familiar with, and to take away the loneliness of the road. By late Feb we were sleeping together and she knew of my girlfriend in Austin. I?d been honest with Marie, that I had a girlfriend but it was not something I wanted ? I was not physically attracted to her.
In April of 2007 my schedule changed and I was not travelling to Madison for work, I was however still travelling there twice a month for meetings with a non-profit organization. Marie wanted to be closer to me and meet my family ? something that I was reluctant to do because I had not cleanly or fully closed the relationship with Peg. My behavior became viewed as squirrely because of fears that limited where I was willing to go with the relationship until I closed with Peg.
In June 2007 Marie came to visit me in Austin, while she was there in the shower, I ducked out and called Peg because I felt the need to cover up my actions since I had not closed with her.
Over the course of the summer, Marie became concerned that I was seeing Peg on a regular basis and while I did remain close, our physical relationship became almost non-existent. I didn't?t see or understand it at the time but I think Marie felt threatened by Peg ? she wanted to know anytime I saw her or talked with her. This became hard for me to do, as anytime I told her I saw Peg, Marie seemed to become distant.
In Nov I was at home, Peg came over and the phone rang with a call from Marie ? Peg saw the caller ID, realized I was seeing someone else and became hysterical. She did things to hurt herself and over the coming weeks I tried to help her calm down and work through the mess.
Marie was back and forth between breaking up and wanting to see me as much as possible when I was in town. My travel schedule changed a bit because I was sick and had other trips. She continued talking with me, seeing me and wanting to know about Peg.
Peg and I continued moving apart, and while she now knew of Marie, I was still reluctant to be totally honest with her for fear she would further hurt herself. The physical part of the relationship seemed to take a new meaning to Peg, and while I should have been strong and said no, I didn't?t. So at this point I?m now having a physical relationship with Peg, that feels more like obligation than anything else. At the same time, Marie and I would see each other but it was increasingly difficult because she seemed to withdraw from allowing us to see each other.
My goal was to move apart from Peg, since she knew the situation with Marie it seemed inevitable that we would go different directions. Until an odd thing happened
Peg used a key she had to my home and let herself in during the middle of the night. Of course the following morning would be when Marie called while I was in the shower. Peg answered the phone and the two of them were talking.
So with that background my dilemma starts ? I want Marie, I?ve wanted Marie for sometime, and yet with the history Marie feels I?m untrustworthy. While she has solid basis for this belief because of my actions ? the intent behind my actions was never anything other than to disconnect from a woman I?d had a relationship with, cared about and wanted to disconnect peacefully.
The past 3 weeks Marie has gone from wanting to visit me in Austin, to now not wanting to see me again. Our conversations slowed and she told me she would need time to get beyond the lying and trust issues. At the same time, I?m feeling liberated from any need to try and protect feelings as it?s all on the table. I?ve told Marie I want her, that I was wrong, explained why I acted as I did, told her I am sorry and yet feel her will to be apart is more steely every day.
Where I need your help and advice is with the matters of the heart ? I want Marie, I know from the past she has said she adores me, loves me, wants to have my children, and now we are at an odd spot. She is increasingly reluctant to want to allow me to build trust with her, and I now have full ability to build trust since the only thing I held untrue was around Peg.
How could I go about working with Marie where she could give me a chance and not feel she is at risk of her heart being hurt? In her mind, anytime I am not near her she thinks I am with Peg or another woman.
I believe Marie and I would be great together, and in the past she has seen this as well. For now, there is a challenge to return to/remain in, Maries life - I love her and know my mistaken actions have rocked our world. I want to do the right things and need your feedback, guidance, and direction!
Tks for the help

"The physical part of the relationship seemed to take a new meaning to Peg, and while I should have been strong and said no, I didn't?t. So at this point I?m now having a physical relationship with Peg, that feels more like obligation than anything else. "
Just a suggestion - no woman in her right mind is going to believe this so
Hi wolegnad,
If Marie had behaved as you have behaved through the entire relationship, how would you feel?
::So at this point I?m now having a physical relationship with Peg, that feels more like obligation than anything else.
So if Marie was doing this with another man you would be ok with it if her goal was the same as yours? That goal being to eventually end the relationship and/or disconnect peacefully?
Sorry, but you can't understand how Marie feels because you are doing exactly what you want to do and the message you contantly send Marie is that Peg's feelings and the relationship with Peg matters MORE (yes more) to you than your feeling and relationship with Marie.
If she's gained an ounce of self-respect, self-esteem and/or self-worth, it's no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you.
My advice, clean up one mess at a time.