Reconciling with Alanon Recovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Reconciling with Alanon Recovery
7
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 8:26pm
I have been in a relationship with a woman that grew up in and alcoholic home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 10:50pm

I am a member of AA and can tell you that many people act this way not just someone in recovery. Only an alcoholic can call herself one but maybe when she was drinking and having explosive episodes a look into AA would have been beneficial.


You deserve closure like you said. It is difficult to move on after a relationship but if you set some boundaries and promise to stick to them it helps. Like no email, phone calls, texts....say maybe no communication for a month or two months. That gives you

Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 2:38pm

Welcome to the board findingmyway2008,


You might try one of these other iVillage boards:


12-Step Recovery


Alcohol & Substance Abuse


::I have tried everything to get her to give me closure or hope.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-31-2008 - 2:32pm

Your ex sounds as though she is still very unstable and not behaving in a healthy or respectful way towards you. No matter how much she was involved in her recovery process, it would not have taken much to let you know that she was still hoping for a reconciliation. However, she did not do that. Instead she left you dangling. This is absuive beahvior. Now you are with someone new who you care for, and the ex re--appears, more likely so that she can upset your new found happiness and balance, than because she truly is willing or able to really be there for you. Pay attention to her actions, not to her words. Ask yourself why in the world you would want to risk a wonderful new relationship in order to go back into misery? You do not need another person to give you closure. You can give it to yourself. It is up to you to decide what you want, need and deserve in a relationship, and if someone does not meet those standards, in your own heart you can say good-bye. You do not have any obligation to your ex. She did not communicate back to you. This frees you to go forward. Just because her feelings bounce up and down does not mean that you have to be on the end of the ping pong ball.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Fri, 02-01-2008 - 5:24pm

Hello-


Well here I go....we wife is an alcoholic, and has finally found recovery (70 days so far). She was inpatient for 28 days and now lives in a recovery home for women. I am actively participating in Alanon and family process groups of alcoholics. I am also on a road to recovery, but have also a long way to go. My wife was seriously abusing alcohol for about 2.5 yrs with our two girls (7 and 11) in the home. It was pure hell..But I finally got her into a program.


According to her counselors, she is a model for recovering young women (31 yrs old). Her counselors suggested the recovery home for women, she reluctantly accepted. And now she does not know when she will come home...she feels she will drink if she gives her self too much oppty. My perception is she is being smart about it all. Although it is hard for me and the girls...we see her about once every two weeks, when she comes to the house to pick up more of her stuff. I communicate with her about every other day via tele. We were referred to a marriage counselor, and my wife said she was not ready, and still had mixed feelings about our relationship. I have now accepted that...she needs to work on herself more and so do I. But is she being abusive or just walking the walk of recovery..?


I am just concerned that her unwillingess to at least spend the nite once at home or spend lots of time with the kids is just not important to her....I may be being rhetorical here. But recovery does come first.


According to her counselors, I have also been a great spouse by participating in a recovery program for myself. I just wish my wife could say.....I want us to work out......or show some gratitude for me caring for the kids, working and paying for all of these recovery bills. My wife just started working but will earn a minimal amount of money. But the job will be great for her recovery, working at a GNC.


My question is....should expect any gratitude or an expression of "hey I want to work things out"...Despite all she has done, by working our programs I feel very good that we will have challenges but the outcome in the long run will be good for us....she has and will not express anything of the sort.....


I am continuing my recovery and beginning to work the steps...but I just wish she would "throw me a bone"..


Oh well..


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-01-2008 - 5:56pm

Welcome to the board alahub,


Please re-post your story in a new thread (start new discussion) so Dr Shoshanna will see it as a new post.





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 8:33pm

Does the person in your new relationship know that you have unresolved feelings for your X?


I don't think any of this is fair to the new person if she is not in the loop.


I also think it was selfish of you to start a new relationship with someone if you are "reconciling" with your X.


The "new" someone is the one that is going to get hurt.


You have to make a decision if you are going to work on things with your X or put 100% into the new person.


Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 12:02pm
Thank you for your response to my dilema.