Reconnection Experiences and Ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2008
Reconnection Experiences and Ideas
Sun, 11-17-2013 - 1:25pm

Quick background I've had a 4 year relationship that was unconventional because it was a combo LDR and living together experience (physically about 1/2 together and 1/2 LDR, emotionally 80/20 connection on values/goals/beliefs).

4 months ago she moved to a new city and we'd discussed that I would be there as well, with a transition to moving 100%.  The transition time was to be 3 weeks there 1 week in our hometown; with the objective to make the transition easier for me to make friends and get integrated into the community.  No sooner had the move happened, than I was notified that my job was at risk which caused anxiety and focusing my energy to try do what was needed to make it work.  

With the changes she pulled away and asked for time to think about what was going on.  Eventually, she decided we needed to break-up as the vision she had for how the move would work and how it was actually happening didnt fit with her needs/expectations.  We had a few issues over the course of time, at first I was not into the relationship as much as she was, more recently that flipped - why this matters is we really dont have major issues other than the missed expectations and that she had not felt my committment/deisre over time.

We're at the proverberial fork in the road, the inflection point where we go together or go apart and hence the ask for help.  There are some mixed messages in the process, she says we need to be over and it's because of the above (expecations and I wasnt where she was in the relationship when needed); at the same time when we talk she says she'd like to be stronger and let us get together; she allows me to continue having shared accounts (Amazon and the like), and when I've asked to connect she agree's and we're able to talk.

A part of me realizes I didnt give as much as I could have in the early part of our relationship, that changed in the past year and she recongnizes some of the changes as well.  The being more aware of her needs and giving more of what's asked - previously we had been in the dance many couples get into where there is a push/resistance to requests on both sides.  Another part of me says the best is to walk away, leave as is and put all behind me - hence the internal tension and ask for help to get perspective and other thoughts.

The idea that does not equal walking away is to demonstrate the committment to her and the relationship and showing up at the new city in person.  This would be without the expectation of moving in or staying together (while I would like that outcome, I would not want to create a situation where there was a feeling of obligation or responsbility).  My thoughts are that being in different cities and the only communications being phone conversations, we're not connecting the same as if in person.  Showing up would demonstrate the committment to her/us, and that we can be entirely different than we were in the past.

Question - what other alternatives are there that would show committment and have an environment where we could see if there are opportunities for us to move forward?  Packing it in and moving on would be the path of least resistance, yet doesnt feel like it would serve as well in the future.  For me, putting it all out there even if it fails would feel better than not trying and regretting it later.  Trying a demonstrable, significant move with me having all the risk without expectations or responsbilities on her end seems the best I could do.