recovering from surgery - bf is distant

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
recovering from surgery - bf is distant
2
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:04pm
dont know what to do.. maybe someone can give me advice.

Just got out of surgery.. me and my bf have been having problems for a while and both agreed that even though we had differences that my health was important and that he would be there for my recovery ( ie helping me shower, run errands, etc)

2 days out of surgery, he is complaining that I am asking too much from him and now has become very distant and providing minimal help. He wont sit and talk to me, comfort me or anything when I am in a lot of pain. I am on Vicoden XTRA strenght and cant do for myself. I dont have family or friends that can help me in this time of need.

He is beyond talking to right now and refuses to show me any compassion. I dont know what to do, where to go or anything! I can barely think for myself!

HELP! Please give me advice.. ASAP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:16pm
How sad for you. You can't make him be kind, considerate or compassion or be empathetic. He's definity got emotional support issues. It must really be hard for you to find out how he is through this experience.

Can a neighbor help? A coworker? Someone that is compassionate? Or ask your doctor for a referral to home care help. Even if it's not daily, it would be worth looking into.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:52pm
this isn't going to help you emotionally - but it might help the situation.

If you can and I know meds make it difficult - separate the 'duties' you want from him vs. the "feelings/support/assurance/comfort/encouragement" that you want from him.

It seems he agreed to help you physically - as in get bathed, changed, perhaps get you things to eat, give you medication, allthe sorts of duties that a nurse, or caregiver would do.

I realize you're hurting, you're a little out of it, and you're scared....and that means that you want him to talk to you, to comfort you, to hold your hand, tell you that he cares, and that everything will be alright......butthe thing is - that is NOT the duties of a caregiver, per se.

That is what someone who prioritizes you as a person might do to some extent..that is what a paid caregiver would do if they have a compassionate side that they bring to their job position by personal choice.

But, given that you're not needing conflict for emotional, mental and physical reasons, nd given that he's your best option for assistance at this time....try limiting your requests of him to those of a paid caregiver.

Which is ALOT when you think about it- helping you to the bathroom, helping you bath, getting you things to eat, making sure that you have your meds.....but that is all very exhausting to someone - and they need to go and sit in the other room when you're not in "need of something done for you" - and take a breather.

Particularly in your situation with him......he might not be sure how to respond. HE doesnt want you misinterpreting his actions, he doesn't want you taking offense....so if he just "does the work" - there is no way that misunderstandings can occur -which would make everything much easier to deal with when this ordeal is over.

Erin

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