Is this a red flag?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Is this a red flag?
7
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:32pm

Hello! This is my first post on ivillage.

I'm in my 50s and have been dating a man of similar age for about 7 months. It's been going wonderfully well but last weekend this happened:

I accidentally scrapped my car's rear fender on a support pole in a parking area. He got very upset and said "Look what you did to your car! You messed up your car! How could you do such a thing?" and had a look on his face I've never seen directed towards me before--very angry, very upset.

The car is not his and he is not responsible for paying for repairs. No one was hurt; the damage is annoying but minor.

When I told him I didn't like his reaction he said he was entitled to his feelings. I said I was entitled to mine and that I didn't like his reaction and that it hurt me. He challenged me to repeat back whatever he had said--in the emotion of the moment, I don't remember the exact words. He denies that he did anything wrong.

He is prone to a type of "road rage" where he gets angry at other drivers frequently if they don't drive as well as he thinks they should.

He's never been violent towards me in any way.

He sometimes teases me in a way that hurts me but he usually stops if I tell him I don't like it but sometimes he acts like I shouldn't be bothered by it.

He was BADLY abused as a child by his father.

Is this a red flag? I don't want to go through this every time I make a mistake.

How can I handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:07pm

I once dated a guy for about 4 years.

Purple glitter fairy.gif &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:28pm

Welcome to the board kikidb,


Yes, it's a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 2:17pm

Welcome to the board (and ivillage) kikidb,


I can't say this is something to break up over, but it is something to be concerned about. If something like this happens again, than it is time to rethink the relationship, or if there is physical abuse.


Do you know if he has gotten any therapy for his childhood abuse?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 6:39pm
Huge red flag. Watch out for future behavior of his and make connections back to this incident if you ever witness something like it again. Not because I think he is too attached to cars, but because the way a person reacts in difficult situations will tell you EVERYTHING about his character.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 11:41pm
I'm with everyone else....get out now before this monster really starts to hurt you!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 1:41am
I can't say that he'll necessarily turn into a bad guy, but for what it's worth...road rage is a dealbreaker for me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 9:18am

I am concerned, as the other posters are, about where this will go and how it will develop in your relationship, but something else struck me, as well.


"He challenged me to repeat back whatever he had said . . . ."