Refused Flowers after Serious for 3 Months

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2013
Refused Flowers after Serious for 3 Months
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 10:08am

I met this girl on Christian Mingle. Through talking she said that she has traditional family values like mine. Two months into talking on the phone, I hid my profile and asked to fly to see her.  We spent 47 together hours over that trip and had a great time. After I got back I bought a ticket for a month later when she said for me to come and she bought a ticket for a month later to come see me. A week before the trip she got a big promotion, so I asked if I could send flowers to congratulate her. She said she I was not allowed to send them. I said I just wanted to be nice and show I care and am proud of her. She said she’d think about it, and then actively ignored all communication from me for three days. She then said she was so angry for me wanting to send flowers seeing them as “Territorial.”

With two upcoming trips planned and 3 hour conversations every other day for three months now, I asked if she saw me in any way as a boyfriend. She quickly said a clear “No,” and that she didn’t want to be exclusive. But she still wanted to see me. I’m very traditional in courtship and this ate at me. After several days she still had this stance, so I said I can’t continue because I’m getting to attached to her for this to not be exclusive especially with planning complex trips far out.

Then she immediately flipped to asking me to be her boyfriend and to be exclusive. No one I’ve talked to understands this. Should I believe this change? Help.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 10-01-2013 - 12:38pm

Anyone who acts stranglely (flowers) that soon in a relationship is going to be bad news. Also the hot and cold routine is not a good sign. , that behavior would without a doubt repeat itself in the future with her. All in all it's mission accomplished because dating is sorting through the bad apples to find the crispy one and you have done exaclty that.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 7:41pm

  Drop her and clear your emotional decks.   She is bad news.  I understand the flowers routine.  It does not matter.  The competition for career is important and for many women a "serious boyfriend" may signal to the boss that she is not serious and is fishing for a Mrs degree.  Hence no promotion. 

    Now work on your self.  Do not rush into having a GF/ etc.    Make women friends and enjoy living.  People who are unstressed about a GF/fiancee are much more likly to attract one,  Remember women choose.  Men only think they do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 10:41am

I am an observant Jew who found his wife online--long distance-- through a dating site for religious Jews. Long distance relationships can work, but to avoid wasting time, energy, and money, one needs to be tougher with them if there are any significant problems. If this woman lived a mile away, you could continue trying with little loss. However, she clearly is less than enthusiastic about you. You don't want to take time off from work, pay $$$ for airfare, and be completely blown off if you visit her again. So, write her off now and look for someone new. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 4:51pm

I agree with the others, and want to reiterate that it's usually always best to date within 50 miles of your home. I did online dating for a few years. 9 out of 10 times, it didn't work out. It's true that you have to date a boatload of people before finding one who you have chemistry with, plus share major goals, and everything fits together like the pieces of a puzzle. When you date locally, you're only out the cost of a cup of coffee if it doesn't work. First dates should be short. When you date long distance, you're forced to spend enormous amounts of time with the person, like a weekend or longer, and this may put pressure on the other person, when it's supposed to be a casual, getting to know you stage. It's fast forwarding the relationship and puts pressure on the person when the visitor has spent so much money coming to see them, and they're really not sure about things yet. 

This woman is wishy washy. I've alway thought wishy washy people are not worth the risk. God has someone else in store for you. Try if there aren't enough women in your area on Christian Mingle. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 2:12pm

As Musiclover said, why would you ask permission to send flowers?  The fun is in the surprise!  And her answer to your request...."you're not allowed" is strange!  Allowed by whom?  Her? Her workplace?  Sending flowers is "territorial"?  That doesn't even make sense!  And her about're NOT her b/f, then suddenly you ARE her b/f when she senses you're backing off?

On-line dating services, even one called "Christian" have lots of kooks, strange people, socially inept, even mentally ill people on them.  Just because it's "Christian" doesn't guarantee that the person you meet will be a sweet, kind, loving girl that goes to church every Sunday, and/or shares all your values.  Many people on dating sites are people who can't make a connection with a local person face to face!  That's why they're on dating sites.  I'm not saying ALL people have problems, but many of them do......and I suspect that this woman has some problems, too.  I've heard many wonderful and romantic stories from many dating sites, but I've heard just as many horror stories!  Add long distance to the mix, and you've got more problems.  When you see each other fact to face for a short period of time.......neither of you is showing your REAL self completely.  But I thing she showed you her "real self" with that territorial remark! 

In your next relationship, unless you know the woman is highly allergic, just SEND flowers, don't ask permission!  I've had business associates, as well as family members and friends send me flowers on several occasions......and there was nothing "territorial" about it.  It's time to move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 11:12am

That sounds kind of strange behavior to me. I don't understand how sending flowers is "territorial" unless you were going to send them to her work and for some reason it embarrassed her.  When I was dating my former DH he occasionally used to send me really nice flower arrangements at work & everyone would "OOH & AAH" about it and of course I said they were from my BF.  I also would think it would be unusual to ask someone beforehand if you could send the person a gift--isn't sending flowers to someone supposed to be like a surprise?  Maybe there's someone at work that she likes and doesn't want that guy to know that she is dating someone.

I just think long distance relationships are very tricky & would never bother with one, although they seem to work for some people.  I mean you are exchanging all this information and having long phone calls but you only saw each other in person for one weekend--normally you wouldn't be in the "boyfriend" status in such a short time but if you lived close together, you'd possibly be going out one or more times a week so in 3 months, you'd have been on plenty of dates.  I have a friend who is a very religious person and she tried Christianmingle & met a guy from another state--it was the state she was originally from, so it wouldn't have been that odd for her to move back there as she's a widow & all her kids are grown now.  So the man came to see her twice & she went to see him once--but then she decided that he really wasn't for her--this was also over a period of a few months so the distance just does delay getting to know someone.  After that experience, she decided she's done with LDRs.