Rekindling Relationship with Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Rekindling Relationship with Ex
4
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:27pm
Hi. I have never done this before, but I just thought I would try this to get some advice. I was in an incredible relationship with a guy for about 5 months. 7 weeks ago, he asked for a "break" because he had to figure some stuff out... job, life, etc. I was also feeling tension at the time. I believe we had moved too fast (we were talking about the future... marriage... kids... etc) without learning how to work with the day to day silly disagreements that come with every relationship. AT the time we broke up, we both expressed to each other that we still had strong feelings/attraction for one another. But he said he just had to go and figure some stuff out and he wasn't sure we could ever come back to "us" because he wasn't sure we could go back to the beginning. AT the time, I agreed b/c I could not see a way for us to calm things down and attempt our relationship again at a normal speed and normal progression. I had not heard from him at all until last weekend. Here is a brief synopsis of last weekend: Sat morning... I decided that our friendship was very important to me so I sent him a quick email asking if we could be friends, friends only. Sat night(2am actually) my phone rings. It is him and he is drunk. He had been at a work function. I thought he had gotten my email but ironically, he hadn't gotten it. He asked if he could come and stay on my couch so he didn't have to drive all the way home drunk. I said yes. He came in, very drunk, said hello, mentioned how he thought I might be mad at him (directed this towards my dog in a cute way), and then started to get ready to go to sleep. I told him he didn't have to stay on the couch that he could sleep in the guest room. Before I knew what had happened, he was in my bed! I was so caught off guard. I had not heard from him in 6 weeks. Again, I still thought he had gotten my email. I walk in my room and I tell him several times I think this is a very bad idea. He begs me to lie down and go to sleep. So I did. I know I shouldn't have. Anyway, he falls asleep as do I. About an hour later, I wake up to him completely undressing himself and trying to put the moves on me. He is still drunk. I tell him that this is not going to happen and that he is drunk and that we are no longer together. After a while, he finally figured out that it was a "lost" cause. But the weird thing is, that he held me in his arms for the remainder of the night. He is not a cuddly sleeper. We never slept like this in our entire relationship. Everytime throughout the night that I would roll out from under his arms, a few minutes later he would be wrapped around me... arms and legs. I just didn't know what to think lying there. Did he want me back... what did he think of my email... why did he feel the need to come to my house. What did he want???? So anyway, the next morning I could no longer lay in bed at 11am. He was still sleeping. So I got up and went and read the paper. He woke up about 30 minutes later and seemed very embarrassed and confused. He was also pretty hung over. He started talking about random stuff (silly, irrelevant stories). I figured out that he had not gotten my email yet, so before he left I told him that I had sent him an email. He seemed a little confused and I clarified that I had sent it prior to him coming over. Anyway, he left! And of course my mind was going crazy because now I was left with more questions than I had before he showed up! Why the hect was he there!!!! I still believe he has feelings for me so why is it that he has to be so drunk (and he should not have been driving) to let them out. So I called him on Sun night in an attempt to get some answers. Unfortunately, he sounded still pretty rough and hungover so I did not want to pressure him. We talked for a little while just catching up on what has been going on in each other's lives. He is not seeing anyone and neither am I. He mentioned that he got my email and he was planning to call me on Mon. He ended the conversation with "i'll call you soon" not that I truly believe that but you never know. So here is where this situation gets even worse... on Mon. as I was leaving work, I dialed my friend on my cell phone. A man answered and I thought it was her husband. I said her husband's name a few times since the person was not responding and then the person said I had the wrong number. At this point, I realized that somehow, I had accidently called my ex boyfriend!!!! I honestly don't know how this could have happened... they are 8 scrolls apart on my cell phone address book. It was very scary! I totally paniced... told him I was terribly sorry and thought I had called my friend and hung up. I felt like a complete idiot. I was deathly afraid that he thought I was playing games or even worse, that I had a boyfriend and had called the wrong guy by accident. Anyway, I emailed him to apologize and tell him that I screwed up my numbers. So here I am the following Sunday and I have not heard a word from him. I love him and I just want us to get together and talk things out. It seems to me that we both still have feelings for each other and that maybe if we just talk about things we could find a solution? Am I wrong? Should I leave him be? Should I contact him? Should I ask him to do something fun and mindless and just see if a heathly disccussion comes out of that? Any thoughts would be helpful as I am at a point where I don't really know up from down in this situation. :) Thanks for taking the time to help me out. Just maybe, your advice will be what gives this fairytale a happy ending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:15pm
Leave it be.

He called and came over at 2am for a booty call.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:33pm
He called you because he was drunk and came over to try to sleep with you. He was embarrassed the next morning and not interested in talking. He hasn't called you since.

Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:12pm
Boy! SOme of these replies can be pretty harsh can't they. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry he hurt you and you miss him in the way you do. He probably has feelings for you, that came out when he got drunk, but there was also the determination to score. If he had just crawled in bed and been respectful maybe things could be looked at differently.

I think you should give him space, or if it'll make you have some closure, ask him out for a drink and make the friends speech if you think you can. I think if you love him though, you'll end up hurt in the end and probably bitter. If you end it now on good terms with him, maybe he'll come back around one day and things will fit better than they do now.

I think everyone has to learn lessons in life, until they do they aren't very productive to themselves, or their lovers. Hope things work out for you. If you need to chat drop me a line.



Sincerely,

David Blazefighter348@aol.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:36pm
Unfortunately the answers we want the most always take the longest to come to the surface.

I think you need a lot of time to just chill with this. You have certainly done enough. He needs time to sort out his thoughts. I would not try to be friends because you cannot do that when you still have feelings for someone and you want what they cannot give.

For now -

-no more calls or emails

-radio silence

Go on with your life. Keep your eyes open for someone more stable and ready. I see concerns here - his going too fast in the beginning, getting drunk, calling you when drunk and trying to sleep with you AND not calling to apologize afterwards. These behaviors are not good. And certainly not indicative of someone who cares for you and will cherish you.

Maybe one day he will realize his loss. But he has to do better than coming drunk at 2AM or ANSWERING YOUR call or email. He has to have a grand entry on his own accord.

Accept nothing less. But know you handled everything well - good thing you did not have sex with him!! You were also more than hospitable.