-Is this relation worth-

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
-Is this relation worth-
5
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:29am
I don’t know if this is the right place to talk about. But any way please help me to sort the things out.

I (Mark) am a man of age 25 and around 7 months before I met a girl called Lisa. We both are studying in a university. Lisa is of age 27. I met Lisa in February and then we become general friends. But slowly our friendship became very strong. And day by day we got more attracted to each other.

Ok now. The problem …

Lisa was having a relationship for 7 years but they brook up before and they again hooked up in last February after a year of braking. Her old bf is in another country.

Before 2 month we were having a coffee and then I talked to her that we should now be together as we are so attracted to each other. And of course I was madly loved with her. I told her that I know that she has a relationship going on, but it not worth to be in such a relationship if u don’t feel it. And then I said to her that “take your time and decide what actually u want ” . Then after some days she said to me that Mark I have decided now, and I said what , then she came closer to me and she kissed me . I realised that she has decided to be with me now and to get out of the old relationship. Honestly I was very happy, because I was madly in love with her.

Still after some time she was not able to break her old relationship because she was thinking that if she break up 7 years will be lost and she will have nothing left. That was fair enough when she talked to me. And I realised that 7 years means a lot. After that I tried to be far from her as much as I can as this was good for both of us.

But a month before we came closer to each other again and we had sex. It was not only once, it was for whole month. From that day I really fell for her more then ever. And during this period she reveals all her fears and joys to me. And then I was shocked to hear the things about her bf with which she was hooked up.

First of all she always wanted her bf to commit(marriage) the things and to get engaged. But he always refuses telling that oh we are so young and we need to see more life yet. Also his bf made her to do the worse thing I have ever thought about. He was fantasising her having sex with another man in front of him. Fantasies are ok but he turned this fantasy in reality and forced her to fulfil this fantasy. And she was so pressured that she did it once only for him because she loved him. So he got a guy (Themes) from some place and they had sex in from of his bf.

Ok now it was over and was past. But after some time after a year he again wanted her to do the same things. He was not now pressurising but was telling her the things to do. He like her women to be with other men in the bed and he enjoys seeing them only.

But after I heard this I told her the truth about the respect and love that should be in a relationship and told her that he is looking her like a slut and he will never marry her and then she realised the things that she was wrong. Also she was talking to that guy(Themes) who was brought by her bf before for sex. And she was shocked to know that her bf and Themes had sex during this year. And her bf was a passive one. it means he is a gay or he is interested in boys.

And this makes her to believe that he is a gay or what. I talked to her and told her please come with me I will give u all u wanted in your life as I love and respect u. But she is still stuck with that gay (probably) bf.

Please can u give me some suggestions on these happenings and how what she should do.

she also says that she loves me a lot, but i am soo comfused, i really need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:34pm
gaisu...

Pianoguy thinks Lisa loves YOU....and probably several other men on this planet...at the same time!

Tranferring her emotions from Mark, the man she dated for 7-years...to YOU...is what she has been doing. The problem is...she can easily transfer those feelings on to somebody else!

You're with a woman who wants to hold on to her past...while pursuing her present! And while I might be completely mistaken, I think YOU will end up holding the 'short straw' in the relationship. So perhaps you need to be a bit more aggressive and see if LISA will put Mark aside for you...FOREVER?

As far as Mark being "gay" and/or some of the weird "fantasies" he has shared...Lisa has got to decide if YOU are more important to her than Mark is! Somehow I don't think she's going to, but maybe I'm wrong?

LOTS OF LUCK...YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT WITH HER!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 1:26pm
Is this relation worth - that answer is easy - no.

::First of all she always wanted her bf to commit(marriage) the things and to get engaged. But he always refuses telling that oh we are so young and we need to see more life yet.

She's told you what she wants....to be married to her bf, but she started a relationship with you and slept with you - so that tells me a few things 1) she's immature, 2)she doesn't know the meaning of the words - fidelity, loyality, trust.... she slept with you while still having contact with her boyfriend, even is she dumped the guy for you, how long would it be until you started doubting her love for you, how long before the doubts would fester to mistrust?

Think about it.

Also think about the fact that she's sleeping with a guy that's sleeping with guys, don't you worry about STD's?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:58pm
Thankyou for your reply...

i really appreciate your thoughts.and somwhat you are speaking right.but there is one problem that i am not still sure about her. i know when i will meet her after somedays i will again make her to love me more then anything else. and again she will be confused about me and other guy.

trust me i have a problem , and the problem is that i really Love her . and i know if she will go with that guy she will never be happy and she will regret that she did not choose me. i want her to understand that the another guy will not marry her at least till he is 35( he is saying like that to her-but still not telling that he will marry her).also the mother of the guy is not accepting her as her's son wife, she is ok with her as a gf but whenever there is talk of marriage , boys mother says oh you are soo young and u have to get more experience and have fun.)

but i dnt know what is with her and why she is afraid of comming to me. i am 2 years younger then her and this also affects her a lot. and i am telling her that i will marry her for sure after sometime , and she is also afraid of me telling that.

i dnt know honestly i dnt know - i am soo confused...

i dnt know if she loves me or not or she used me for sex only.

how can she go with a man who shares her with others, what will happen after marriage if they will . i am sure they will become swinger or something and never be happy.

if all this happned before marriage just think what will happen after marriage when it is like he will tell her to do something and she will have to do it.

c i really care for her a lot.i just want her to be happy. if she will not choose me that is fine but still i do not want her to be with that man. it hurts me more.i want her to be respected and to be loved like a wife not like a slut.

Love wihtout a respect is like a rose without sweetness and colour.

please tell me what should i do. i really want her. i had to make many compromises to accept her.but i am ready as i Love her.



please suggest something so that all things work out well....

ThankYOu :Qais:


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:18pm
gaisu...

If Pianoguy could play a tune that would eventually turn this woman's head in your direction...he would!

But LIFE doesn't work that way.

The lady may have had SEX with you, but apparently the "act" wasn't enough of a stimulant (no pun intended) to persuade her to choose YOU over the other man. Unfortunately, YOU don't want accept this fact...and until you do (through outside counselling or just realizing that NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP LASTS FOREVER)...you'll continue to go through this 'emotional turmoil' indefinitely.

You've indicated that you have a problem...which is LOVING HER. But if she can EASILY love another man (who may or may not be sharing her with other women)....don't you feel "cheated?" Do you REALLY want to share a woman (sexually) with other men?

Especially when there are probably a dozen or more wonderful women reading this who are BEGGING for a man who is as devoted as you are? PLEASE...for your sanity if nothing else...let this lady go about her business (whoever it's with) while YOU move on!!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:37pm
Thank you for your reply.i appreciate the tought.

i talked to her tonight and we really cleared the things.she still want to go with that man. and she is telling me that we need to be friends. i really love her but my love is not blind. i will always love her . if she is happy with that man i am also happy for her.

life will move on as always... and i will be her firend for ever .and this will be the right decison for both of us. i will miss her surely but i have to forget her and think her like a friend.

i am really thankfull about your comments.it really helped me a lot.