Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Relationship
18
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 6:02am

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 9:41am

Happiness1968 wrote:
<p>Hi new member,  I have been in my relationship nearly a year.  I am 45 he is 51, we dont live together and in the beginning (Honeymoon period) everything was great.  My Partner is a coach driver so I know and have seen women flirt with him and he flirts back, he is polite, friendly and helps anyone, he left his facebook account open and I saw several private messages to around 8 women a few months before we met.  </p><p>He sometimes goes away with the coach party he is taking and he went away with 49 women last November and beforehand went to their store to ask who was going on the trip? there was a women the year before he liked but she wasnt going on this trip this time, I couldnt understand why he had to go and ask who was going??? he said thats just him he likes to know who is going, he gets a list on the day.  I know what women are like when relaxed and had a drink, and were probably trying to engage with him, done this myself when out.......and all hen parties etc always play up to the driver.</p><p>He says he loves me, wants to be with me, but I have no trust and been hurt over the years (Divorced) and past boyfriends, I know shouldnt judge him on my past experiences, but he says just doing his job???? to get tips?? now he has asked for a break turned his mobile off but phoned me on my landline? We have talked about how his behaviour upsets me as I feel he crosses the line with women again just his job?</p><p>I know I have serious trust issues and I meet him while he was doing his job (I was on a trip - opera) but I cant see how to trust him while he is working.....I know I cant be with him 24/7, and maybe my past does play apart,.....I also know NO TRUST NO RELATIONSHIP.</p><p>Thank you for reading this..........x</p>

I think that you have to have a bit more evidence to go on for him being untrustworthy than your experiences with past failed relationships.  Because if that is the litmus test you're going to apply to your relationships, none of them will ever pan out satisfactorily for you going forward. Best not to even be bothered with them if you can't trust because of your past.

I also think that it's a good idea for you two to take some time apart right now so that you can come to grips on your trust issues. It's time for you to talk to a therapist so that you can address your past and resolve it.  He doesn't sound like he's going to tolerate them--and even if you feel he's being too friendly, his behavior is up to interpretation because no one here was there. Besides, you yourself have indulged that sort of repartee with a driver.  Were you seriously trying to get with your driver? Most likely not--it was all fun banter.

The fact of the matter is if he wants to chat up the women he's driving, then he's going to go do that. He's grown and a relationship, from how you've described him, isnt' going to change that fact.  He will put it down before he changes who he is.  You've done what you can do: you talked with him about it.  Now, that ball is in your court, not his. It's about either tolerating it or leaving.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 12:42pm

This is one of those things that often seem endearing in the beginning, but as time goes by it is bothersome.  This is clearly not only part of his job, but his personality.  Even if he had another job, he would probably still have some degree of flirtatious behavior.  

I do think you are bringing your baggage into this R.  Then add this kind of job to the mix and I can see why you are struggling.  

As far as baggage in general, I had to talk to my now DH about it and although he didn't necessarily stop doing anything specific, he was more sensitive to my concerns.  So obviously you can't ask the guy to change careers, but maybe he call or send a text during his shift.  Something like that.  

I belong to a organziation dominated by women and we had a very attractive executive attend the 3 day event.  We all love getting pictures with big wigs in the company and although I would not call him flirtatious, he is very aware that even with sober women that hey, he is an attractive guy at an event with hundreds of females.  It is a wholesome company and he is married, et.  But do you really think the dynamic would be the same if his DW came?  Heck no.  He has to know what that line is.  

I also wonder if part of your concern is knowing that you met him on one of his tours (or whatever you call it)???  

I guess all of my babling is just to say that yes, you need to share your insecurities, but if you have any chance at all you have to trust him.  When you share your insecurites, make sure you are clear it is from your past and he isn't doing anything wrong.  You just need sensitivity to your fears.  

Women are everywhere, so you are going to have to work through this whether it is with him or the next guy.  

For what it is worth, I have had conversations with my DH about what is appropriate with other women.  Some things are just part of his personality, but he listens to me and eventually acknowledges that "oh, okay, I see it now...."   Unfortunately, he had to learn the hard way thinking he was just be helpful to a gal and she ended up harassing him when he made it clear there was nothing between them.  Luckily she never showed up at our house, but boy howdy.....he learned his lesson.  

I hope something in there was helpful.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/love-marriage/making-marriage-work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 1:03pm

What exactly is he doing that you feel he is crossing the line?  I could imagine a tour bus where the driver or host is chatting up al the women and being friendly and maybe even saying in a flirty way "oh don't you look great today" or something like that--frankly I wouldn't take that seriously if it was my BF--as you said, it's his personality, it's part of the job and like a bartender might be the same way.  It doesn't mean that he actually wants to hook up with these women.  For me, crossing the line would be if he was texting or chatting w/ women on the phone and making plans to meet up with them.  The thing is that there are women everywhere in the world--there is not going to be one man alive who doesn't encounter women in his job or even if he doesn't work, women are all around and you can't keep tabs on everything he is doing.  You make a choice of whether you want to trust someone you are with or be suspicious all the time.  You said that you have trust issues, so work on that so you can recognize whether a particular man is doing something wrong or not.  I would start off any relationship by assuming that the man is going to be trustworthy unless he actually does something to prove that wrong--then I wouldn't bother to continue the relationship.  I can't see going out with someone that you feel that you have to supervise or worry about.  But is there any man alive that you wouldn't be worried about?  That's the key question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 12:14am

There are two problems here.  If you have trust issues, then you are with the WRONG man.  And the other problem is......If he's a tour bus driver, then he probably is not to be trusted.  I was involved with one.....I met him on line, he told me what he did.  Nice guy, nice personality, tall, handsome........and he KNEW it.  We met first at a restaurant and got to know each other.  He told me what he did, and I told him he was in the right business......he has 40--50 women on every trip, and they're mostly in the right age range.  He said (very seriously) "oh, that's against company rules".  HA!  Not like the company execs are on the bus with him.  We got along well, and eventually he invited me to go on one of his trips.  That man was hitting on other passengers right in front of me when we stopped for breaks.   I even saw him handing out his cards to some.  It didn't take me long to figure out he had a "harem".  He'd tell me he had to go away for two days, and then the next time I'd see him, he would tell me a different destinationi!  He talked about "tips" too......They must be all cut from the same cloth!  I'd say you have very good reasons to NOT trust him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 05-04-2014 - 3:03am

We're not there so we can't tell if your doubts are based in insecurity from your previous bad relationships, or if its your instincts causing you to mistrust him, or a combination. But the fact is that you are the way you are at this time (and even if you "worked" on your trust issues it would take time to resolve them and change); and he is who he is and how he is, and he does his job a certain way; and the way he is bothers and upsets you. In that way you and he are incompatible, as the relationship goes longer and you learn more about each other you are starting to see some problems. If you are not comfortable with a partner who flirts a lot with other women then you shouldn't be with such a man. Not a value judgement on anybody but an understanding that people need to accept each other the way they are without wanting to change them, if they cannot do that then they are not right for each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 8:33am
Thank you for your reply I am insecure with every relationship I Have with men I don't trust any...... Or maybe I just haven't recovered From my past experiences I don't know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 11:05am

If you can't trust anyone, then you will never have a successful relationship.  It's not fair to the man who has done nothing wrong to start from a position where you are suspicious of his every move.  Maybe it's time for some therapy so you can work on this issue before you get in any other relationships.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 12:42pm

You have got to learn to let this stuff go. You have to go on the assumption everything is fine until he gives you real reason to be suspicious. You cannot live life consumed by worry about your partner everytime you are apart. If he does something that crosses the line it will not be because of you, or your fault, and you will deal with it at that point in time. Until then, you have to learn to enjoy life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 4:47am
Thank you your so right but it's how to deal with letting go that's hard x
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 4:48am
Thank you my past relationship have caused a lot of damage x

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