Relationship advice
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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:11am |
My bf and I have been apart for two weeks now. He told me he loved me a few days after he left (for the first time), and came to see me last weekend. We had a great time, he was very affectionate and loving. He also calls when he says he would.
Now, up until yesterday he signed every email with an affectionate name (sweetie, etc.). Yesterday he didn't. When I spoke to him last night, he was a bit quiet. So I started to become paranoid that he was going off me. When I asked him if he'd still be looking forward to seeing me at weekends as much as he did last weekend, 3 months down the line, he said 'ask me in three months'. I can't help feeling that last week (when he was feeling the full force of missing me) he would have said 'yes, of course'. So why was he being non-committal only a week later? Should I be worried and see this is a sign of some sort? I emailed him this morning (we email each other once a day), and he hasn't replied yet.
Another thing I have been so worried about is the following: he promised last night that he'd call during my lunch hour today. A few days ago he texted me literally two minutes after it started and asked if he could call me now, eager to talk to me. I waited the whole hour and he didn't call. He is going home tonight, and I can't call him there as the walls are very thin and he hates being overheard when on the phone. He said we can text tonight(we chat every night on the phone for about 10-15 mins), but I don't think he will. And he won't reply when I text him. I am meant to go and visit him Sunday, when he's back. But I have this feeling that he'll let me know Sunday that I shouldn't bother coming to see him. And I don't have any friends who I can talk to about this and have a cry. I live in a different country from my family, and talking to them about this sort of thing doesn't really help.
He fell in love with me over the summer. We spent two months together, living in the same house and spending loads of time together. I am worried that being with me all the time changed his feelings, and that being away will make them go away again. That just *me*, 2 hours away, won't be enough to hold his love. He kinda of knows that I fear that, and told me to give him some credit. A good friend of mine says that too, and that he's a decent guy.
He says that we are in a serious relationship, and that I should just relax a bit more and that he wouldn't just dump me. But I know people can't guarantee their feelings for you. They don't know if they will change, and how. But I just want to feel secure, knowing that I won't be dumped out of the blue, that I *am* enough to hold his love. How do you cope with the uncertainty of people's feelings?
I hate being so paranoid about the whole thing. I want to be happy and relaxed, believing him when he says he loves me, not needing him to reassure him all the time. Because that is tiring for him as well as me. I want to believe in our relationship, and that it'll work if it's meant to be. But I have the underlying belief that I am not good enough for him, and that my insecurity will eventually drive him away.
He makes me so happy. I don't want to ruin it by being idiotic and insecure.
Any advice? I would be very grateful. And thanks for listening.
Irrbloss

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advice?
you dont seem to have an identity without this guy! you are worried bc you emailed him this morning and he hasnt written you back? its still 10:30 ET! he said he'd call at lunch which is in two hours and you're worried bc he hasnt text messaged you???
honestly- I dont mean this in a rude way.. but get a life!
You seem to be walking a very thin line here, leaning over the cliff, sitting on the edge of your seat, laying on the couch with one hand on the phone, driving too close to the car in front of you, -- you get the idea.
when you wake up in the morning - what do you do? go to the computer and email him... then what? wait hours until he emails you back? then what? call him and see when he says he'll call back... then what? wait until he calls you? then what... see if he text messages you to read into whether or not he's "excited" ?? then what?
go to bed?
the reason you are soooooo worried about him and all this is because you have WAAAAAAY too much time on your hands! you are two hours away.. and i think youre too used to spending all that time with him that now you dont know what to do!
get a job. take a class. join a gym. start a sport or club. go tanning. jog around the neighborhood. make something new for dinner . buy a cat or dog.
sheesh! DO something other than sit on your butt worrying about that guy! yeah, he's a real winner and everything but it doesnt sound to me like he's losing interest in you at all He's a nice guy and really seems to like you so why risk freaking him out~!. HOWEVER... once he begins to see how insecure and worried and scared and curious and "lame" you are, he WILL lose interest bc you're going to scare him off. its too much pressure to support someone who's THAT insecure. sheesh.
good luck.
Thanks for your advice, I appreciate that it's honest and no-nonsense.
I know I think about him too much, and read to much into what he does and doesn't. I should have said though that I live in Europe, so the times I gave might have seemed a bit odd. I emailed him 6 hours ago, and he normally replies in his lunch hour. That is the whole thing. We have had a nice routine of contact over the last two weeks. And he is reliable, has been for months. It's breaking that pattern suddenly since yesterday that makes me worry.
I do things, don't get me wrong. I have a full-time job, go to the gym a few times a week, take a language class, see friends every now and then - I don't have many, and most of them moved away since we graduated this summer. But there is always the thought at the back of my mind that he might go off me. And that worries me, because I do not have a life of my own as yet. If I had, I think I would feel more relaxed about things, and have this 'if it's meant to be it will be, and if not I will still have a life' attitude.
He split up with me once (in February), saying he wasn't in love. We gave it another shot, and he now says he can't see why he ever broke up with me and that he now is in love with me. But I didn't see the first break-up coming, it was totally out of the blue.
You are probably happy with yourself, with friends, a life. You are the sort of person I would like to be, but I don't know how to get there. I would love to have my own life to share with him, be happy and relaxed, smiley and a nice girlfriend to have. I know I am a sad person the way I am now, and I don't particularly like the way I am either.
How can I try and become more like that?
hmmm. I probably was way too harsh.
I'll tell you a secret anyway. I mean- I guess
Can I ask your advise once more? Cos you both gave me excellent advice.
I phoned him last night, and we had a bit of a fallout. I told him I wasn't happy that he seemed to control our communication when we're not together, ie deciding when to phone, if to reply to emails and texts.
I have just spoken to him again, and he told me that he wants me to stop discussing things like "I don't feel in control of our communication" over the phone. He'd rather discuss it in person. He also hates it when I make a big fuss out of him not replying to emails after a few hours.
He says that while he will try and phone me most nights (or text, or arrange for me to phone him), there will be evenings when he won't phone, for whatever reason (he might be out, busy, tired). Or reply to emails, if there is something that has come up at work and he is busy.
My question now: is this a normal wish/thing to say? I have read load of times that long distance relationships depend on having good communication. In my head, not communicating every day means that he doesn't care. If he did, he'd want to to talk to me, right? I am worried that once he has *not* contacted me, he might like the freedom so much he won't see the need to contact me every day. Which then makes me feel that I don't mean enough to him. That there are things he'd rather spend time on.
Do people in long distance relationships behave like this? Have days when they don't communicate because other things have come up or they don't feel like it? Is this normal?
It just makes me feel all at sea. I need some predictability in my life. I don't want to think every day: "is he going to phone tonight? will he keep his promise?". I asked him to send me a quick text if he can't phone for whatever reason, so I know not to expect a call. But he says he might not be able or want to do that. And he hates it when I expect to have some form of contact with him every day. Does that mean he doesn't care?
Is this taking our commitment back a step, and a step towards drifting apart? I hate uncertainty. In my head, loving someone means wanting to speak to them every day, keeping promises and letting them know when you can't keep them. Not wanting to make the effort means (to me) that I don't mean enough to him, otherwise he'd want to make the effort.
I am worried that he has effectively told me "don't make demands on me, I can't promise you anything". How can you have a stable relationship if you don't know how the other person is going to behave?
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
I think this is just you overthinking again. It doesn't mean anything beyond what he said - that sometimes he will phone, and sometimes he won't be able to. You should adopt a similar attitude (over time, I realize you can't change overnight) and sometimes be there, and sometimes not. That will stop his being in control. If you are constantly waiting by the phone, of course it seems like he's in control. You are waiting, he is calling when he can. It does not mean he loves you any less. My bf lives with me and sometimes when he travels for work, he won't be able to phone me at all due to time differences, business dinners, etc. Simarly, sometimes when he DOES call, I'm not here. If I'm out with a friend or out shopping or something, I will NEVER rush home because I know he's going to call. I'm secure in the relationship and if I miss his call, it's no big deal. I'll talk to him tomorrow. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me or miss me...it means that I'm not the entire center of his universe and I don't want to be. What a big responsibility for someone!! to be entirely responsible for someone's entire being, their happiness, their identity...whew! It's exhausting even thinking about it.
As for his being in control of when you talk and when you don't...if you are CONSTANTLY waiting by the phone for him, of COURSE that puts him in control of your communication. Go out and do something when you know he might call. See for yourself that it won't end your life if you miss one call. If you miss his call, and you are really feeling panicky, drop him an e-mail and say "sorry I missed your call...I'll talk to you tomorrow or whenever, love you, irrbloss". Nothing more, nothing less. Don't panic about it.
Like Sara said, you need to go out and DO things. This is the very first step in discovering who you are. From there, you need to set some boundaries for yourself. By boundaries, I mean saying things to yourself such as "I will not tolerate a guy who puts me down in any way" "I will not tolerate a guy who cheats on me, even once" "I will not tolerate a guy who treats me like a second class citizen". etc. etc. etc. Once you get out there, see who you are (by seeing what you like to do, who you want to be), set some boundaries for yourself and your relationships, THEN YOU will be in charge of your life and your relationships.
Once you accomplish all this, the panic should begin to fade. YOu need to get to a point in your life where you think "sure, it would stink if we broke up, but I'll get over it". Say it out loud even. Maybe you'll convince yourself!! lol!!
I also agree that a pet is a great idea if you're an animal lover. I have 2 dogs and recently got a kitten who I've fallen deeply in love with! lol!
More suggestions and ideas:
take an art class. If you are inclined towards art, it can be an amazing outlet. I lose myself when I have a paint brush in my hand. I'm not even any good! lol!! But time passes and I'm barely even aware of it. Drawing, painting, home decorating.....exercise classes, volunteer with children, animals, the elderly, join a book club..
an added perk to joining activities...chances are you will make friends with some people who share these interests and it will also give you some interesting things to discuss with your bf.
You can do this!!!! Best of luck -
Terri
Thanks for your advice. It is sound, and I shall try and use it.
It isn't that I find it hard to accept when he can't talk to me. If something like work or other things stop him from getting in touch, that's ok. It's just when it's his *choice* not to talk to me that I find hard to deal with.
It's true that I will rush back when i know he'll call. I have done that several times, and didn't really want to, as I was having a good time with friends. If I can't get back, I will text him though, to let him know I will be late or can't phone. Is it too much to expect him to do the same? That would say "I am aware you are waiting, and this is the reason I can't call you". And then I could deal with itand not be upset. If I miss his call, I am worried that he is secretly relieved not to have to talk to me.
I already think that he only phones because *I* want him to, and now he has effectively told me he'll phone when he feels like it.
I wish that sometimes he would send me a text out of his own free will- that would show that I am on his mind. He usually replies when I text but never initiates. And he doesn't tell me on the phone that he misses me (he doesn't like talking on the phone). He's fine when we're together, but reticent with his feelings when we're not. It's just nice when people take initiative and tell you things voluntarily. And I guess that I panic because he does't do that, and it would be so nice if he did. Because then I would feel more secure in the relationship.
And can you love someone and still sometimes not feel like talking to them? If you're not mad at them?
Edited 9/11/2004 12:53 pm ET ET by irrbloss
Edited 9/11/2004 12:59 pm ET ET by irrbloss
You wrote, "I already think that he only phones because *I* want him to, and now he has effectively told me he'll phone when he feels like it."
That sounds like you want it both ways. You want him to call because HE wants to, but you also want him to call when YOU want him to, according to your expectations. He's told you why he doesn't "want" to call sometimes - he's busy, tired, not in the mood. You understand work prevents him from calling and you're okay with that, but you take things like 'tired' or 'not in the mood' to mean he would rather do something else because that something else is *preferable* to calling you, as if he's opting for a *better* alternative than you because of YOU. It's not that at all. It's only a better alternative for his needs and desires at the time - like sleep, quaffing a few beers with the guys, or zoning out in front of the tv because those things require no energy, or no effort (especially when he knows he'll probably hear some complaint or need to reassure you when he calls). And everybody needs that from time to time. You are taking it personally and that's a big mistake.
Love does not mean wanting the same things in the exact same way. Some people don't feel the same kind of connection over the phone or e-mail as they do in person, and they just don't favor that type of communication. They'll do it as much as they feel comfortable with or maybe even beyond that point to please their partner, but they don't like it that much. It's not you they don't like, it's the medium of communication they're not fond of. That was evident when he told you he'd rather discuss things in person, that he doesn't like talking on the phone, and when you mentioned he's more reticent on the phone than in person. Why aren't you being more understanding and sensitive about his preferences? He would be justified in thinking your insistence on meeting your expectations this way indicates that you care more about yourself than him. I know it's your insecurity that's driving your behavior, but you really have to look at how damaging it is to your relationship. He's not responsible for how you feel - you are.
Finally, you wrote "And can you love someone and still sometimes not feel like talking to them?" That's a big YES! And not just when you have a disagreement. Often it's only because something else takes precedence at the time. You can't be number one in all ways at all times to anyone and the fact that you can't doesn't mean they love you any less. Even children can't be number one to their parents in that sense. Parents have other needs beyone work too - like socializing with other adults, but just because they do and the child doesn't get attention from them when they're out with friends doesn't mean their love for their children isn't good enough - even when they expel a huge sigh of relief when they get a babysitter to take over for awhile.
To the OP...I'm also in an LDR with a guy who doesn't respond as promptly as I'd like him to to phone calls and emails...but I'm learning not to take it personally. I'm more like you...I will call back promptly, let him know if my plans change, etc. And it *does* feel personal sometimes when he can't take 2 minutes to give me a call. But he always does call eventually. What I've started doing is not initiating contact for the most part, because it stresses me out to not get a prompt return call. It's better for me just go about my day and to let him call me when he has time and is in the mood to talk. And lo and behold...he's started doing so more frequently! So, you might try that also...and try to remember (as I am trying to do) that having different communication styles and needs doesn't mean one person's style is bad or wrong...it just means you're different. Now, ultimately, you may decide that you need someone who is more like you. But if you can learn to not take it so personally, you might find that you can be ok with accepting him as he is.
Sheri
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