Relationship advice

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Relationship advice
21
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:11am
Hi,

My bf and I have been apart for two weeks now. He told me he loved me a few days after he left (for the first time), and came to see me last weekend. We had a great time, he was very affectionate and loving. He also calls when he says he would.

Now, up until yesterday he signed every email with an affectionate name (sweetie, etc.). Yesterday he didn't. When I spoke to him last night, he was a bit quiet. So I started to become paranoid that he was going off me. When I asked him if he'd still be looking forward to seeing me at weekends as much as he did last weekend, 3 months down the line, he said 'ask me in three months'. I can't help feeling that last week (when he was feeling the full force of missing me) he would have said 'yes, of course'. So why was he being non-committal only a week later? Should I be worried and see this is a sign of some sort? I emailed him this morning (we email each other once a day), and he hasn't replied yet.

Another thing I have been so worried about is the following: he promised last night that he'd call during my lunch hour today. A few days ago he texted me literally two minutes after it started and asked if he could call me now, eager to talk to me. I waited the whole hour and he didn't call. He is going home tonight, and I can't call him there as the walls are very thin and he hates being overheard when on the phone. He said we can text tonight(we chat every night on the phone for about 10-15 mins), but I don't think he will. And he won't reply when I text him. I am meant to go and visit him Sunday, when he's back. But I have this feeling that he'll let me know Sunday that I shouldn't bother coming to see him. And I don't have any friends who I can talk to about this and have a cry. I live in a different country from my family, and talking to them about this sort of thing doesn't really help.

He fell in love with me over the summer. We spent two months together, living in the same house and spending loads of time together. I am worried that being with me all the time changed his feelings, and that being away will make them go away again. That just *me*, 2 hours away, won't be enough to hold his love. He kinda of knows that I fear that, and told me to give him some credit. A good friend of mine says that too, and that he's a decent guy.

He says that we are in a serious relationship, and that I should just relax a bit more and that he wouldn't just dump me. But I know people can't guarantee their feelings for you. They don't know if they will change, and how. But I just want to feel secure, knowing that I won't be dumped out of the blue, that I *am* enough to hold his love. How do you cope with the uncertainty of people's feelings?

I hate being so paranoid about the whole thing. I want to be happy and relaxed, believing him when he says he loves me, not needing him to reassure him all the time. Because that is tiring for him as well as me. I want to believe in our relationship, and that it'll work if it's meant to be. But I have the underlying belief that I am not good enough for him, and that my insecurity will eventually drive him away.

He makes me so happy. I don't want to ruin it by being idiotic and insecure.

Any advice? I would be very grateful. And thanks for listening.

Irrbloss

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 5:46am
Hi charite and northwestwanderer (and everyone else who posted advice),

Thanks so much for your posts. I feel much more at rest about my LDR than I did a few days ago.

I will try and be more accepting about his communication. He is a great guy, and I will try my best!!

Thanks again,

Irrbloss x

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:17am
Hi northwestwanderer,

I have another question regarding what you said about going about your day and letting your SO call you when he's got time and is in the mood.

For the past week or so, *I* have always been the one initiating phone calls, emails, texts. Now, while he usually good at replying, and sounds happy to hear from me, I would like him to make the first step every now and then. Why? Because it would show that he genuinely wants to have contact, and doesn't reply out of politeness, or because otherwise I'd be upset, or because that's what good bfs do. So letting him make the first move seemed a sensible idea: maybe I was not giving him a chance to take the first step so far.

Went to see him at the weekend, had a nice time again. I had decided before I went to do what you suggested when I was back in my town: leave it to him to contact me when he felt like it. I thought I was doing well. BUT - he hasn't initiated one text, call or email. I know it's only been 2 days, but even so.

This hurts me. Despite my good intentions, I emailed yesterday, but if I hadn't emailed I would not have heard from him since Monday. If I say to him "listen, phone when you feel like it" I don't think he'd ever phone. He obviously doesn't care enough when I am not with him to want to contact me. If I left it to him to initiate, I would not hear from him all week. Why is he so reluctant to initiate? Because he genuinely has no desire to have contact with me when I'm not with him physically? Do I bore him that much? Is it to much to want your bf to want to contact you because they miss you and want to be in touch? Is it possible that he can love me and miss me, but still not to want to have contact outside our visits??

While it is true that I feel lonely (which is why I am so over-the-top about this at the moment), even I was living in his town I need to have the feeling that he loves me and cares for me and wants to be with me. What if I am nice enough and lovable and all that, but not enough to warrant any big effort communication-wise? I don't want to play second fiddle to his job, friends and interests all the time once I am down there.

Again, please put me straight if I am way too wrong...

Thanks,

Irrbloss




Edited 9/15/2004 8:59 am ET ET by irrbloss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:05pm
I'm mostly replying to bump your post to the top so that NWW will see it. I have only one comment. If you want to change the pattern of you always being the one to initiate, you're going to have wait for much longer than two days. Wait at least a week before making any type of contact - it won't make him lose interest, more likely it will make him wonder what you're up to.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:59pm
I agree with Charite...you caved too soon and emailed him (which I completely understand, though!). He's gotten used to not having to do any of the work...you need to stay silent long enough to make him realize that HE needs to call you.

I really don't think it's necessarily any of the things you mention, I think it's just that he's gotten lazy and used to relying on you to make contact.

So...you need to force yourself to not contact him for however long it takes. BUT, as I said in an earlier post, you just may not be compatible in this area. Personally, if the guy I'm seeing didn't get in touch with me for two days, that wouldn't work for me.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:20pm
Off topic...but thanks for your email and the birthday wishes! I tried to reply but it came back to me as undeliverable. So you might check the email address you use to send email through Ivillage, maybe, and see if it's still current?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:52pm
You're welcome and thanks for the heads up - my e-mail address did change - I'll go fix it right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:54am
o.k. what i gather is that this actual love thing began about 4 mths. ago,and living 2hours away is not bad when you love that person.so this thing can work.in the matter of 4 mths. these types of winds blow to test relationships,those who stick together and work through this makes it to the next level of the relationship.you know things are not always honky dory even in marriages there are ups and downs. you just have to know each other and "trust" each other.but all that come with time.so at this point i think that you should work on your security issue.you did admit you felt some insecurities.from my experience insecurity can drive a man away.its a turn off,to me its a sign of weakness,a liability,it is unatractive.but there is something about confidence.its inviting,strong,dependable.so i recommend that you work on that,i think that this is vital to your relationship.try meditation thats what work for me.do whatever to build your confidence.get a nice haido,nice haircut,workout,get toes done,what ever you do do it for you and feel good.if you don't hear from him in certain time frames take advantage of that time for you.you know abstinance makes the heart grow fonder anyway.there is a saying if you love something let it go and if it is meant it will come back to you. do your part then let go.be confident no matter what.i send you my best wishes,you'll be alright.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
In reply to:
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:02am
I am not a man so I don't know how I would react - but my suggestion is this: relax, leave him alone, let him sit on his rock, or in his cave, and just be. Reassure him that you love him, when you speak, and the rest of the time don't nag, and don't be hysterical.

I think if you are not careful you could frighten him off. Just let him do his thinking, live his life, realize that he misses you, etc.

Leave him alone!!

Yes, I know, that is hard. But it is what I suggest.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:36am
Hi again,

Just an update on the situation.

We went away over the weekend, and had a nice time again. He says he loves me out of his own accord, which I see as good sign.

But this communication thing is still causing problems. I now am convinced that we won't last, that he will get tired of me and dump me. That I am too much effort in the long run. I am 26, he is 20. Is it realistic to expect us to stay together? Shouldn't he be off and date loads more girls before committing to one?

You see, he called last night, and I jokingly said "you know, you don't have to feel as though you can't email me. If you want to, just do". And he replied "you mean, actually be a good, considerate boyfriend?". Which shows that he is aware that he is doing something that I see as inconsiderate, but is not willing to change it.

So this seems to be the deal. He doesn't feel the need to email, doesn't phone me anymore during the day, and is happy to talk to me for 15mins at night. I'm also worried that he will less and less look forward to seeing me , that it will just become something else to do. Is this normal in a relationship? Do you get used to the other person and get less excited to see them as time goes on? What should I do? Become unavailable for 2 weekends a month? But then this could backfire, and make him realise that he doesn't miss me all that much when not seeing me for 2 weeks.

He is very honest with how he feels, and is honest to himself. If he doesn't want to be with me anymore at some point in the future, he will break it off, not stay with me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I know relationships are meant to be like that - you are not obliged to stay if you don't want to. But my ex wasn't like that at all, our relationship was very manipulative in the way of feelings. So I am not used to a 'normal' relationship.

How do I get over the fear that he will lose interest? And enjoy what we have without putting too much pressure on the relationship? And cope with not knowing what he will feel about me a year from now?




Edited 9/21/2004 6:06 am ET ET by irrbloss

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:24am

The most important point in all of this is that we cannot base our good feelings about ourselves or our sense of security and happiness upon a relationship, or upon the feelings of someone else. Feelings change, people become distracted, challeneged, or under pressure. This does not mean that you are not worthy of love or are as good as him or anyone else. It means simply that life takes its course naturally, by itself. Some relationships hold forever, others do not. There are many factors that go into the reason for this. But, certainly, whether he stays with you or not, says nothing about how worthy you are. Right now, what you need most of all, is to work on your own self esteem and your own life. Build up your own friendships, world and activities. Don't depend completely upon one person for your sense of happiness in life. (This often becomes a burden to that person). Your work is to become who you are most fully. A good relationship is a place to share it. If it does not with him, there are many others out there. But most important of all is your relationship with yourself and with the life you are building.


Also, realize that you cannot control his feelings or predict what will happen. In life we must be secure enough to deal with whatever happens, as life goes, day by day. I recommend you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It deals with these issues quite deeply, and also has many fine exercises that will help you.


Best wishes,