Relationship advice
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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:11am |
My bf and I have been apart for two weeks now. He told me he loved me a few days after he left (for the first time), and came to see me last weekend. We had a great time, he was very affectionate and loving. He also calls when he says he would.
Now, up until yesterday he signed every email with an affectionate name (sweetie, etc.). Yesterday he didn't. When I spoke to him last night, he was a bit quiet. So I started to become paranoid that he was going off me. When I asked him if he'd still be looking forward to seeing me at weekends as much as he did last weekend, 3 months down the line, he said 'ask me in three months'. I can't help feeling that last week (when he was feeling the full force of missing me) he would have said 'yes, of course'. So why was he being non-committal only a week later? Should I be worried and see this is a sign of some sort? I emailed him this morning (we email each other once a day), and he hasn't replied yet.
Another thing I have been so worried about is the following: he promised last night that he'd call during my lunch hour today. A few days ago he texted me literally two minutes after it started and asked if he could call me now, eager to talk to me. I waited the whole hour and he didn't call. He is going home tonight, and I can't call him there as the walls are very thin and he hates being overheard when on the phone. He said we can text tonight(we chat every night on the phone for about 10-15 mins), but I don't think he will. And he won't reply when I text him. I am meant to go and visit him Sunday, when he's back. But I have this feeling that he'll let me know Sunday that I shouldn't bother coming to see him. And I don't have any friends who I can talk to about this and have a cry. I live in a different country from my family, and talking to them about this sort of thing doesn't really help.
He fell in love with me over the summer. We spent two months together, living in the same house and spending loads of time together. I am worried that being with me all the time changed his feelings, and that being away will make them go away again. That just *me*, 2 hours away, won't be enough to hold his love. He kinda of knows that I fear that, and told me to give him some credit. A good friend of mine says that too, and that he's a decent guy.
He says that we are in a serious relationship, and that I should just relax a bit more and that he wouldn't just dump me. But I know people can't guarantee their feelings for you. They don't know if they will change, and how. But I just want to feel secure, knowing that I won't be dumped out of the blue, that I *am* enough to hold his love. How do you cope with the uncertainty of people's feelings?
I hate being so paranoid about the whole thing. I want to be happy and relaxed, believing him when he says he loves me, not needing him to reassure him all the time. Because that is tiring for him as well as me. I want to believe in our relationship, and that it'll work if it's meant to be. But I have the underlying belief that I am not good enough for him, and that my insecurity will eventually drive him away.
He makes me so happy. I don't want to ruin it by being idiotic and insecure.
Any advice? I would be very grateful. And thanks for listening.
Irrbloss

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"Which shows that he is aware that he is doing something that I see as inconsiderate, but is not willing to change it."
The real question here is, does he think it's truly inconsiderate. This is just a guys perspective, and this is based on only hearing your 'side' of the story, but I have to tell you that I would consider your actions to be very inconsiderate of him as well as demanding and controlling. He wants to be on a tie-out (have some space to breath) but you are trying to demand that he be on a short leash. If you keep on the path you are headed down he is sure to bolt. You have unilaterally created a set of rules he has to live by to satisfy you, none of which he had a say in. With the distance, he may sson realize he has an out if you tug too hard.
My advice:
- Scrap the rules and start from scratch.
- e-mail him when you want, call when you can, and let the rest work itself out. Stop making rules about how quickly he MUST respond to satisfy you.
- For goodness sake, stop the madness! Throw out all these silly tests he has to pass to keep you happy. Either someone's going to tell him you're high maintenance or he's going to figure it out for himself, either way there's going to be trouble down the road.
If he didn't seem that excited to see you, it was at least partially because he feels the pressure you are placing on him and understandably does not want to go through that on every visit.
Where am I coming from? Well, experience. My now-wife and I were apart for most of a year and a half. We had similar issues (only reversed, I was the rules-guy) that we had to work out. Once I relaxed and understood that her life was not supposed to revolve around me 24/7, we were able to smooth things out. As in your case, I was 4 years older. One year after that experience we were married and have been for 18 excellent years, and to think I almost threw that away! Amazing ...
Think about it this way, if he could so easily lose interest after a couple of weeks with little or no contact, his feelings for you are not very strong in the first place. Lots of time spent together would not make any difference if his feelings don't run very deep. More likely, he'd leave faster in that case because he would be living the daily reality of looming permanence. He isn't doing that now being away at school.
You don't know what he will feel in a year (but it's unlikely he'd be any closer to wanting to settle down), but you also don't know how you will feel in a year. You may think you do, but you don't. People's feelings change - you may become more attached to him or you may not. It really sounds like your insecurity and lack of self-esteem are at the core of what you call love for him. Chances are that if you worked on both of those things, you'd find that it isn't deep love you feel for him at all. It's just neediness confused with love.
I think that if you explored your own issues through counseling it would help you a great deal. It would help you choose more age appropriate guys to date eventually, and help you to enjoy this relationship for what it is, and not place unrealistic hopes for him to think, feel and act like a 26 to 30 year-old guy when he is behaving exactly like most 20-year-old guys behave. I really think you need to find someone who is closer to your own age because in a few short years you'll be 30, and he'll still be very young. Date him for a few more months if you want, but don't waste the rest of your precious youth waiting for him to grow up enough. If you think of this relationship as non-permanent for *yourself*, while working on your issues, your fears of *him* leaving *you* will disappear.
When I went off to College I was 21.
Something you said in your post struck a cord with me unexpectedly: you said that I might be confusing neediness with love.
My ex and I were together for 6 years. I loved him, saw us getting married and having kids, except he was dead set on that happening before he was 35, he is turning 31 this year. I don't want kids for another 8-10 years, but he would not have compromised on waiting a little longer. Anyhow, I loved him but never found him physically attractive, and we broke up in January. I stayed with him for 6 years partly because I needed someone to care for me, to have someone to talk to, to love me.
So I vowed after the breakup to never be with someone again out of need. Only because I liked and fancied them. And I thought that I was with my current bf because I liked and fancied him. But now I worry that that isn't 100% true.
I am very unhappy with myself at the moment. I have few friends, a crap job and feel lonely. When I am with him I feel loved and valued, feelings that I or friends can't give me. I need to start working on myself, to like myself without needing that reassurance from others.
I thought that if I did this and succeeded, I would still want to be with my bf. That I am with him because I want to be with him, not because of something he is giving me that I can't give myself. But now I'm not sure anymore. When I started seeing him, I remember telling a friend that I couldn't really talk to him like I used to be able to talk to my ex. That I fancied him madly, but that there just didn't seem to be enough depth to last long-term.
My feelings for him (and his for me) have deepened over the last months, and I can imagine being married to him and having kids. He is a great guy, funny and caring, and very fanciable. But now I am worried that once I sort my insecurity/self-esteem issues out, that I will realise that I love him for the wrong reasons. And that we will break up then because we have not much to offer each other.
Thing is, he is very secure in himself. He is with me because I am kind, generous, because he loves and fancies me. Not because I give him something he can't get from himself. I want to be with him for similar reasons. I really thought I was with him not because of need - I did not want to repeat what happened with my ex.
But sometimes (like last night) I talk to him on the phone and think 'we sometimes don't know what to talk about' and there are silences. And part of me thinks that he is getting a bit tired of things already. I fear that as I get better, what we have will become weaker. And that scares me, I really want to stay with him for love, nothing else. I don't want us to fizzole out.
Apart from that, I don't have a clue how to get better yet. I will start counselling soon, but I am still terrified that I won't get more secure and be able to provide for myself emotionally.
Everyone has "needs" that they want to have met in a relationship. That's why we look for commonality, respect, similar values, and similar approaches to life when seeking a partner. You both have to want the same things from a relationship, and you both have to feel that the other person meets your needs for companionship, love, acceptance, etc. Those needs must be reasonable and emotionally healthy. When those needs aren't being met by your chosen partner, you must move on to find one who can and does.
His needs are being met by you because they are not coming from neediness as you pointed out. Once you explore this concept through counseling, you'll begin to either become more secure in yourself and be able to go the distance with him or handle it well if you don't stay together, or you'll realize that he's not what you really want and you won't be worried about things fizzling out. However, I don't think counseling will be enough. It's just a way to get started on becoming a self-fulfilled person. The real work is doing the things that will help you to make a complete change in your thinking and behavior. You really need to find self-esteem in your accomplishments, in making goals and striving to achieve them, in accepting failure and picking yourself up and trying again, in reaching out and giving to others, and in treasuring the things in your life that are good - finding joy in those things. There's more to it than this, but that's the general idea. I'm very glad you've decided to get counseling. I'm sure it will help you. Please keep us updated on your progress.
Thanks a lot for your advice. At the moment I am not sure what I want from this relationship. The last few days have been confusing, and I am increasingly disliking how I behave when he is not around.
After being given advice to ease off a bit, I have tried to do that. I emailed him on Tuesday and Wednesday (even though the Weds email was returned as undeliverable, so don't know if he has blocked me from his email account), and texted yesterday. I am trying to let him to the contacting, to see if he shows interest in initiating. And maybe it is working - as a backfire. Either I am playing into his hands and the decreasing contact suits him very well, or he thinks that me initiating less contact means *I* am losing interest.
But the fact that he hasn't initiated any texts or emails all week and hasn't called me 'sweetheart' once is getting to me. I feel as though he is losing interest. This is what happened yesterday evening.
He is coming to my town tonight because his old uni group of friends are going out for dinner. For the past 3 weeks, I have met him or been met at the station on arrival, and we have hugged and kissed for ages when he/I arrived. When I asked if he wanted me to meet him tonight, he said 'better not, I will be getting on a bus straight away into the centre as I will be late already'. Ok, I can see his point there. I wasn't expecting to be invited either, as noone else is bringing partners anyway. So that's cool with me.
Then, he said he was going to one of his friend's houses after dinner (the whole group is), for drinks and a chat. Because a few months back he asked me to join his group of friends for dinner at one of their houses (presumably partly to get to know his friends better), I thought I'd ask if he wanted me to come along to the drinks tonight. He said not if it was just the dinner-people, as 'they are a group that know each other pretty well, and then there would be you'. ?!? If there were other people there, a more random crowd, he said I could come along. So, in June he was ok with me being with his friends, and now that is not a good idea?
Then, he said we didn't have to spend the whole weekend attached to each other. He is meeting other friends tomorrow, and I think he would not have come to see me if meeting his friends hadn't happened as well.
The third thing: I asked him if he wanted me to come and see him next weekend, if I can't get a cheap flight to go see my parents. He said 'I don't know yet'. Again, this from someone who cut a visit to his parents short to go back to his town because I was coming to see him 2 weeks ago. He says he wants a weekend to himself, to do stuff that needs to be done (housekeeping, bank stuff, whatever). I can understand that, and we didn't agree to see each other every weekend. I asked if he would want to see me if he didn't have to do the boring stuff. He said 'I always want to see you'. But I find that hard to believe at the moment. It still feels as though he is losing interest, and will become less and less keen to see me from now on.
We were meant to go on a weekend trip in November, but I won't mention it again (it was his idea to start with) and suspect he won't either.
I can't talk to him about how all this makes me feel, as he says he is tired of me talking about it. I just feel unhappy. When we got back together after he dumped me, he said he would not dump me again. Obviously he can't promise that, but maybe he feels too much of a gentleman to go back on his words, so is showing less interest and hope I get the message.
What shall I do? My head is all over the place, as are my feelings.
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