Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 2:43am

Hi, this is my first time posting in a message board like this. I'm in need of honest,un-biased advice and hope I find some here! I'll try not to make this post too long, but I feel some back story is neccessary.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 14 months now. We met when he was attending a college in my hometown in North Carolina, we really hit it off and became close quickly. By close I mean, we both opened up to one another easily and formed (what I thought) was a very honest, happy relationship. About 6 or 7 months into the relationship, he applied to transfer to a higher rated school in his homestate of Florida. I supported this decision of course, wanting him to have a great path to success and also not wanting to hold him back from such life decisions. I at the time was in a school program that was a couple months away from ending, and we hadn't been dating super long, but we were so close, it was a confusing time. He was accepted.

I'm going to summarize what happened from there: We went back and forth on whether to break up, do long-distance, or if I should follow after my school was finished. THIS WAS A ROUGH RIDE. I teetered some,but mostly was in favor of moving to Florida. You may think thats crazy, but I loved him, I'd never left hometown before, and I am starting a new career so I thought, "why not?" He flip flopped a lot, worried that if I came down and it didnt work out, it would be his fault. And really, this was a much bigger risk for me, moving away from everyone I know and all. I got to Florida ASAP, and we've been living together since (around 4 months). 

A couple weeks ago we had an argument. He thought I should be more motivated, he doesn't seem to believe I want to succeed in life. I think some of this came from my weird transition from moving. I have had a little bit of depression being away from basically everything I know, and maybe he thought I wasn't trying as hard as I could to further my career. I also have been worried because he keeps talking about taking many trips abroad with school and all these things he wants to do that don't seem to include me, and not only does it hurt a little, but I REALLY don't want to hold him back, so if he doesn't want to be in this relationship I want to make sure he isn't and vice versa. We're usually great at communicating so we talked about it, and decided  both of us would prove to the other that I was motivated and that he does want to be with me, etc. 

A few days after this conflict, I was on the computer and his facebook was up. I KNOW it is a violation of his privacy, but I looked at some messages between him and other women. In one, the girl asked how he and I were doing. He basically said that it was blah and he could definitely say he won't marry me, he's not happy, loves me out of convenience, that he "guesses its easy because he's in law school" (basically I guess it helps that I do his laundry), and that he wasn't ending it now because 1. He wants to make sure I'm on my feet before (thanks for making me into a charity case) and 2. Exam time isn't the best time for a break up

In the other conversation, the girl is asking him about some guy he knows that asked her on a date. He IMMEDIATELY says he heard that guy had a small penis, etc etc. and ended up saying to this girl "I'm kicking myself in the butt, you and I should have hooked up" with no little lol's or haha's to make it a joke. This I included because it makes me feel like he's wishing he wasn't tied down or something. I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts. She seemed to feel akward about it, saying only that she had to go.

After I read these messages, I had a total breakdown. I mean, I moved my life for this man. It was a risk I chose to take, but still!! Also because he had told me that he wanted to be with me for a long time, potentially marry after careers were started, etc. I couldn't hold back and told him what I saw. He didn't deny the words (how could he), he apologized, cried, felt bad for hurting me. He begged me not to leave and to stay and work it out, and he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me. As for the flirting, he aggrees he'd be upset if it were the other way around and said he won't do that kind of flirting anymore.

Now I just don't know what to do. I love him and I do want to be with him, but at the same time am finding it hard to trust mine and his feelings. I'm also hesitant to really put my heart back out there for him, not knowing if he really IS just waiting for the right time to break it. Its just that I am a very giving person, I love to love and be loved in return. I'm still young, but I want to know that any serious relationship I have from now on could potentially lead to marriage. If there's no chance of that, I don't see the point in making roots down here in Florida with my career and life because if this isn't going to work, I'll be much happier and better off near my friends and family in NC. I just feel ridiculous sending out my resume to jobs here when I don't know if I'm even going to be staying. I said something to this effect tonight to my boyfriend. He repeated the fact that he wants to work it out and all that. I don't think he understands because it's a much bigger change for me than for him if we do break up. His school, friends, and family are here. He keeps on acting like he's trying, but I only read those things Tuesday so not much time has passed (we were with HIS family the WHOLE weekend for Thanksgiving, so no time to talk about our issues). 

My feelings are so mixed. We can be holding hands laughing one second and for whatever reason out of no where comes a flash of what he said to those girls, and I feel like crying. Any advice will be so appreciated!


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:12am

 Hi i have a different perspective.  You graduated for college and are starting a career?  If so it is time to woman up.  Being homesick is normal.  Everyone goes thru some form of it.  Traveling to someone is very difficult emotionally. 

"I also have been worried because he keeps talking about taking many trips abroad with school and all these things he wants to do that don't seem to include me, and not only does it hurt a little".  When people are in the stage of life he is and you are in a different stage there is no connection at this time.

This experience has possibly some bright spots.  Depending on what your career training has been and the city or town you are in there may be opportunity.  BF is not the same as your life.  I suggest strongly to experience a career start.  Making money put it away in a travel fund to go to something rather than run away.  To a better city where you will force yourself to stand on your own two feet.  It is not easy but to gain emotional strength is not easy.  That strength is within you.  Go to opportunity not away from it.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 3:22am

I would move on if I were you. A man who truly loves you would not have made those comments to another woman about your relationship. Sounds like anymore he's just keeping you around to help keep house for him. Personally, I'd have a hard time ever getting past not only the comments he made about you/him, but also the ones about the guy "with the small penis" to another. And it sounds like he also made her feel very awkward with his not cool comments also. I'm sorry but it sounds like you gave up a lot for him and this is the way he acts? And don't feel bad about moving back home either, you obviously thought you knew this guy better than you do. You gave it your all and it just did not work out. Besides, I think if you were being honest with yourself, you'd be happier back home with your family in the long run. Good Luck