Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP
12
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 2:43am

Hi, this is my first time posting in a message board like this. I'm in need of honest,un-biased advice and hope I find some here! I'll try not to make this post too long, but I feel some back story is neccessary.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 14 months now. We met when he was attending a college in my hometown in North Carolina, we really hit it off and became close quickly. By close I mean, we both opened up to one another easily and formed (what I thought) was a very honest, happy relationship. About 6 or 7 months into the relationship, he applied to transfer to a higher rated school in his homestate of Florida. I supported this decision of course, wanting him to have a great path to success and also not wanting to hold him back from such life decisions. I at the time was in a school program that was a couple months away from ending, and we hadn't been dating super long, but we were so close, it was a confusing time. He was accepted.

I'm going to summarize what happened from there: We went back and forth on whether to break up, do long-distance, or if I should follow after my school was finished. THIS WAS A ROUGH RIDE. I teetered some,but mostly was in favor of moving to Florida. You may think thats crazy, but I loved him, I'd never left hometown before, and I am starting a new career so I thought, "why not?" He flip flopped a lot, worried that if I came down and it didnt work out, it would be his fault. And really, this was a much bigger risk for me, moving away from everyone I know and all. I got to Florida ASAP, and we've been living together since (around 4 months). 

A couple weeks ago we had an argument. He thought I should be more motivated, he doesn't seem to believe I want to succeed in life. I think some of this came from my weird transition from moving. I have had a little bit of depression being away from basically everything I know, and maybe he thought I wasn't trying as hard as I could to further my career. I also have been worried because he keeps talking about taking many trips abroad with school and all these things he wants to do that don't seem to include me, and not only does it hurt a little, but I REALLY don't want to hold him back, so if he doesn't want to be in this relationship I want to make sure he isn't and vice versa. We're usually great at communicating so we talked about it, and decided  both of us would prove to the other that I was motivated and that he does want to be with me, etc. 

A few days after this conflict, I was on the computer and his facebook was up. I KNOW it is a violation of his privacy, but I looked at some messages between him and other women. In one, the girl asked how he and I were doing. He basically said that it was blah and he could definitely say he won't marry me, he's not happy, loves me out of convenience, that he "guesses its easy because he's in law school" (basically I guess it helps that I do his laundry), and that he wasn't ending it now because 1. He wants to make sure I'm on my feet before (thanks for making me into a charity case) and 2. Exam time isn't the best time for a break up

In the other conversation, the girl is asking him about some guy he knows that asked her on a date. He IMMEDIATELY says he heard that guy had a small penis, etc etc. and ended up saying to this girl "I'm kicking myself in the butt, you and I should have hooked up" with no little lol's or haha's to make it a joke. This I included because it makes me feel like he's wishing he wasn't tied down or something. I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts. She seemed to feel akward about it, saying only that she had to go.

After I read these messages, I had a total breakdown. I mean, I moved my life for this man. It was a risk I chose to take, but still!! Also because he had told me that he wanted to be with me for a long time, potentially marry after careers were started, etc. I couldn't hold back and told him what I saw. He didn't deny the words (how could he), he apologized, cried, felt bad for hurting me. He begged me not to leave and to stay and work it out, and he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me. As for the flirting, he aggrees he'd be upset if it were the other way around and said he won't do that kind of flirting anymore.

Now I just don't know what to do. I love him and I do want to be with him, but at the same time am finding it hard to trust mine and his feelings. I'm also hesitant to really put my heart back out there for him, not knowing if he really IS just waiting for the right time to break it. Its just that I am a very giving person, I love to love and be loved in return. I'm still young, but I want to know that any serious relationship I have from now on could potentially lead to marriage. If there's no chance of that, I don't see the point in making roots down here in Florida with my career and life because if this isn't going to work, I'll be much happier and better off near my friends and family in NC. I just feel ridiculous sending out my resume to jobs here when I don't know if I'm even going to be staying. I said something to this effect tonight to my boyfriend. He repeated the fact that he wants to work it out and all that. I don't think he understands because it's a much bigger change for me than for him if we do break up. His school, friends, and family are here. He keeps on acting like he's trying, but I only read those things Tuesday so not much time has passed (we were with HIS family the WHOLE weekend for Thanksgiving, so no time to talk about our issues). 

My feelings are so mixed. We can be holding hands laughing one second and for whatever reason out of no where comes a flash of what he said to those girls, and I feel like crying. Any advice will be so appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:19am

Ukgirl82, thank you for your response! Yes, it is hard to read what you said, but sadly I feel it is the truth as well. Now I just don't know how to handle this. I sold all my furniture and everything to come here, and I'm short on money now too. I know my family would help me get home but I just feel so idiotic over all of this. And great just now he came into the room freaking out about some issue with his law school exam software, so I now will have to wait at least 2 weeks to really say I'm leaving because then if he does poor on an exam I'll feel our break up somehow distracted him. I do have a flight booked to go home for the holidays, so i could just leave then, but my car is here(don't think it will make the drive to NC because its old) and my dog too. Ugh this is so awful. He just came back in here and took out a bunch of anger on me over this exam thing. Lovely.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:01am

crimshaw wrote:
I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts.

It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. He has feelings for her and he is mostly still with you out of obligation, guilt and convenience. You two want completely different things out of life right now. You would probably be happy to go home and start a life together there, he wants to explore the world and see what it has to offer him. You need to go your separate ways and he has realized this, he just doesn't have the guts to end it. 

Quote:
he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me.

You're right. You sound like an intelligent girl and I am getting the same impression from what you're saying; trust your instincts on this one. He wouldn't have said those things if at least a part of him didn't mean them. And if his whole heart is not in this relationship, it's not going to last. Don't cling to a dead end relationship, you'll only drag out the process of a break up and make it harder to move on, wasting time when you could be moving on and meeting someone who actually wants to be with you 100%. Don't rearrange your life in a place you don't even want to be for a guy who has one foot out the door already. I'm sorry, I know it may hurt to read all this but it needs to be said. You deserve to be with someone who genuinely, whole heartedly, wants to be with you and he is not that guy.

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