Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Relationship and life at a stand still, HELP
12
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 2:43am

Hi, this is my first time posting in a message board like this. I'm in need of honest,un-biased advice and hope I find some here! I'll try not to make this post too long, but I feel some back story is neccessary.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 14 months now. We met when he was attending a college in my hometown in North Carolina, we really hit it off and became close quickly. By close I mean, we both opened up to one another easily and formed (what I thought) was a very honest, happy relationship. About 6 or 7 months into the relationship, he applied to transfer to a higher rated school in his homestate of Florida. I supported this decision of course, wanting him to have a great path to success and also not wanting to hold him back from such life decisions. I at the time was in a school program that was a couple months away from ending, and we hadn't been dating super long, but we were so close, it was a confusing time. He was accepted.

I'm going to summarize what happened from there: We went back and forth on whether to break up, do long-distance, or if I should follow after my school was finished. THIS WAS A ROUGH RIDE. I teetered some,but mostly was in favor of moving to Florida. You may think thats crazy, but I loved him, I'd never left hometown before, and I am starting a new career so I thought, "why not?" He flip flopped a lot, worried that if I came down and it didnt work out, it would be his fault. And really, this was a much bigger risk for me, moving away from everyone I know and all. I got to Florida ASAP, and we've been living together since (around 4 months). 

A couple weeks ago we had an argument. He thought I should be more motivated, he doesn't seem to believe I want to succeed in life. I think some of this came from my weird transition from moving. I have had a little bit of depression being away from basically everything I know, and maybe he thought I wasn't trying as hard as I could to further my career. I also have been worried because he keeps talking about taking many trips abroad with school and all these things he wants to do that don't seem to include me, and not only does it hurt a little, but I REALLY don't want to hold him back, so if he doesn't want to be in this relationship I want to make sure he isn't and vice versa. We're usually great at communicating so we talked about it, and decided  both of us would prove to the other that I was motivated and that he does want to be with me, etc. 

A few days after this conflict, I was on the computer and his facebook was up. I KNOW it is a violation of his privacy, but I looked at some messages between him and other women. In one, the girl asked how he and I were doing. He basically said that it was blah and he could definitely say he won't marry me, he's not happy, loves me out of convenience, that he "guesses its easy because he's in law school" (basically I guess it helps that I do his laundry), and that he wasn't ending it now because 1. He wants to make sure I'm on my feet before (thanks for making me into a charity case) and 2. Exam time isn't the best time for a break up

In the other conversation, the girl is asking him about some guy he knows that asked her on a date. He IMMEDIATELY says he heard that guy had a small penis, etc etc. and ended up saying to this girl "I'm kicking myself in the butt, you and I should have hooked up" with no little lol's or haha's to make it a joke. This I included because it makes me feel like he's wishing he wasn't tied down or something. I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts. She seemed to feel akward about it, saying only that she had to go.

After I read these messages, I had a total breakdown. I mean, I moved my life for this man. It was a risk I chose to take, but still!! Also because he had told me that he wanted to be with me for a long time, potentially marry after careers were started, etc. I couldn't hold back and told him what I saw. He didn't deny the words (how could he), he apologized, cried, felt bad for hurting me. He begged me not to leave and to stay and work it out, and he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me. As for the flirting, he aggrees he'd be upset if it were the other way around and said he won't do that kind of flirting anymore.

Now I just don't know what to do. I love him and I do want to be with him, but at the same time am finding it hard to trust mine and his feelings. I'm also hesitant to really put my heart back out there for him, not knowing if he really IS just waiting for the right time to break it. Its just that I am a very giving person, I love to love and be loved in return. I'm still young, but I want to know that any serious relationship I have from now on could potentially lead to marriage. If there's no chance of that, I don't see the point in making roots down here in Florida with my career and life because if this isn't going to work, I'll be much happier and better off near my friends and family in NC. I just feel ridiculous sending out my resume to jobs here when I don't know if I'm even going to be staying. I said something to this effect tonight to my boyfriend. He repeated the fact that he wants to work it out and all that. I don't think he understands because it's a much bigger change for me than for him if we do break up. His school, friends, and family are here. He keeps on acting like he's trying, but I only read those things Tuesday so not much time has passed (we were with HIS family the WHOLE weekend for Thanksgiving, so no time to talk about our issues). 

My feelings are so mixed. We can be holding hands laughing one second and for whatever reason out of no where comes a flash of what he said to those girls, and I feel like crying. Any advice will be so appreciated!

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:01am

crimshaw wrote:
I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts.

It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. He has feelings for her and he is mostly still with you out of obligation, guilt and convenience. You two want completely different things out of life right now. You would probably be happy to go home and start a life together there, he wants to explore the world and see what it has to offer him. You need to go your separate ways and he has realized this, he just doesn't have the guts to end it. 

Quote:
he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me.

You're right. You sound like an intelligent girl and I am getting the same impression from what you're saying; trust your instincts on this one. He wouldn't have said those things if at least a part of him didn't mean them. And if his whole heart is not in this relationship, it's not going to last. Don't cling to a dead end relationship, you'll only drag out the process of a break up and make it harder to move on, wasting time when you could be moving on and meeting someone who actually wants to be with you 100%. Don't rearrange your life in a place you don't even want to be for a guy who has one foot out the door already. I'm sorry, I know it may hurt to read all this but it needs to be said. You deserve to be with someone who genuinely, whole heartedly, wants to be with you and he is not that guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:19am

Ukgirl82, thank you for your response! Yes, it is hard to read what you said, but sadly I feel it is the truth as well. Now I just don't know how to handle this. I sold all my furniture and everything to come here, and I'm short on money now too. I know my family would help me get home but I just feel so idiotic over all of this. And great just now he came into the room freaking out about some issue with his law school exam software, so I now will have to wait at least 2 weeks to really say I'm leaving because then if he does poor on an exam I'll feel our break up somehow distracted him. I do have a flight booked to go home for the holidays, so i could just leave then, but my car is here(don't think it will make the drive to NC because its old) and my dog too. Ugh this is so awful. He just came back in here and took out a bunch of anger on me over this exam thing. Lovely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:19am

Ukgirl82, thank you for your response! Yes, it is hard to read what you said, but sadly I feel it is the truth as well. Now I just don't know how to handle this. I sold all my furniture and everything to come here, and I'm short on money now too. I know my family would help me get home but I just feel so idiotic over all of this. And great just now he came into the room freaking out about some issue with his law school exam software, so I now will have to wait at least 2 weeks to really say I'm leaving because then if he does poor on an exam I'll feel our break up somehow distracted him. I do have a flight booked to go home for the holidays, so i could just leave then, but my car is here(don't think it will make the drive to NC because its old) and my dog too. Ugh this is so awful. He just came back in here and took out a bunch of anger on me over this exam thing. Lovely.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:49am

crimshaw wrote:
<p>Hi, this is my first time posting in a message board like this. I'm in need of honest,un-biased advice and hope I find some here! I'll try not to make this post too long, but I feel some back story is neccessary.</p><p>My boyfriend and I have been together for about 14 months now. We met when he was attending a college in my hometown in North Carolina, we really hit it off and became close quickly. By close I mean, we both opened up to one another easily and formed (what I thought) was a very honest, happy relationship. About 6 or 7 months into the relationship, he applied to transfer to a higher rated school in his homestate of Florida. I supported this decision of course, wanting him to have a great path to success and also not wanting to hold him back from such life decisions. I at the time was in a school program that was a couple months away from ending, and we hadn't been dating super long, but we were so close, it was a confusing time. He was accepted.</p><p>I'm going to summarize what happened from there: We went back and forth on whether to break up, do long-distance, or if I should follow after my school was finished. THIS WAS A ROUGH RIDE. I teetered some,but mostly was in favor of moving to Florida. You may think thats crazy, but I loved him, I'd never left hometown before, and I am starting a new career so I thought, "why not?" He flip flopped a lot, worried that if I came down and it didnt work out, it would be his fault. And really, this was a much bigger risk for me, moving away from everyone I know and all. I got to Florida ASAP, and we've been living together since (around 4 months). </p><p>A couple weeks ago we had an argument. He thought I should be more motivated, he doesn't seem to believe I want to succeed in life. I think some of this came from my weird transition from moving. I have had a little bit of depression being away from basically everything I know, and maybe he thought I wasn't trying as hard as I could to further my career. I also have been worried because he keeps talking about taking many trips abroad with school and all these things he wants to do that don't seem to include me, and not only does it hurt a little, but I REALLY don't want to hold him back, so if he doesn't want to be in this relationship I want to make sure he isn't and vice versa. We're usually great at communicating so we talked about it, and decided  both of us would prove to the other that I was motivated and that he does want to be with me, etc. </p><p>A few days after this conflict, I was on the computer and his facebook was up. I KNOW it is a violation of his privacy, but I looked at some messages between him and other women. In one, the girl asked how he and I were doing. He basically said that it was blah and he could definitely say he won't marry me, he's not happy, loves me out of convenience, that he "guesses its easy because he's in law school" (basically I guess it helps that I do his laundry), and that he wasn't ending it now because 1. He wants to make sure I'm on my feet before (thanks for making me into a charity case) and 2. Exam time isn't the best time for a break up</p><p>In the other conversation, the girl is asking him about some guy he knows that asked her on a date. He IMMEDIATELY says he heard that guy had a small penis, etc etc. and ended up saying to this girl "I'm kicking myself in the butt, you and I should have hooked up" with no little lol's or haha's to make it a joke. This I included because it makes me feel like he's wishing he wasn't tied down or something. I"m not worried about him cheating with this girl because she is far away, it just hurts. She seemed to feel akward about it, saying only that she had to go.</p><p>After I read these messages, I had a total breakdown. I mean, I moved my life for this man. It was a risk I chose to take, but still!! Also because he had told me that he wanted to be with me for a long time, potentially marry after careers were started, etc. I couldn't hold back and told him what I saw. He didn't deny the words (how could he), he apologized, cried, felt bad for hurting me. He begged me not to leave and to stay and work it out, and he says he was just venting to the first girl about our relationship, that yes some of it he meant but it was mostly frustration talking. I know people vent, but this seems like more to me. As for the flirting, he aggrees he'd be upset if it were the other way around and said he won't do that kind of flirting anymore.</p><p>Now I just don't know what to do. I love him and I do want to be with him, but at the same time am finding it hard to trust mine and his feelings. I'm also hesitant to really put my heart back out there for him, not knowing if he really IS just waiting for the right time to break it. Its just that I am a very giving person, I love to love and be loved in return. I'm still young, but I want to know that any serious relationship I have from now on could potentially lead to marriage. If there's no chance of that, I don't see the point in making roots down here in Florida with my career and life because if this isn't going to work, I'll be much happier and better off near my friends and family in NC. I just feel ridiculous sending out my resume to jobs here when I don't know if I'm even going to be staying. I said something to this effect tonight to my boyfriend. He repeated the fact that he wants to work it out and all that. I don't think he understands because it's a much bigger change for me than for him if we do break up. His school, friends, and family are here. He keeps on acting like he's trying, but I only read those things Tuesday so not much time has passed (we were with HIS family the WHOLE weekend for Thanksgiving, so no time to talk about our issues). </p><p>My feelings are so mixed. We can be holding hands laughing one second and for whatever reason out of no where comes a flash of what he said to those girls, and I feel like crying. Any advice will be so appreciated!</p>

I think that since you read his email and saw what he really thought about you, that you look into moving back to where you're from and chalk this up as a lesson in not moving anywhere to live with any man until you've got a rock solid. good paying job doing exactly what you love doing.  He wants you there for his convenience, which in turn will make him resent you more because you're not independent enough, as you were when you were living in your home state and he wasn't footing your bill as a dependent.

Send your resumes to jobs back home and contact your family about moving back and getting their help to get on your feet.  All the apologies in the world from him does not erase the fact that he has this estimation of you. Nor does it erase the fact that he's got plans for his time in the future that do not include you; plus you know definitively that he has no intention of marrying you and that he does not love you. He made that quite clear in his correspondence. 

He tells you what you want to hear in order for you to stay put and do his laundry.  Now, if that's enough for you to stay, then do so but you have to do it quietly and contentedly because staying means you accept his estimation of you.  He has no obligation to change for you.  For me, however, learning that the guy I"d uprooted my life for had feelings to the contrary, because this did happen to me once, I got about the business of finding another job and moving out of state for it.  What did that do? It freed him up to go pursue the woman he really wanted to be with instead of taking me for a lie-ride because I was up in his space doing his housework for him.

Life is too short and you're only young once. Don't waste your youth on someone who doesn't want you.  Convenience is laziness and if he only wants you around because he doesn't have to bust a sweat with you there, then you will end up middle aged and bitter behind this guy. 

As far as I can read, it's over except for the breaking up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:55am

This is difficult.  Of course if you had asked before you moved down there, I would have advised not to move unless you had a job and also not to move in with him, but to get your own place.  Now it seems like you are totally dependent on him and it must be frustrating.  Do you even have a job?  Considering he's in school, does he have a job?  I'm a lawyer & law school is very demanding.  I surely wouldn't want the responsibility of trying to support someone while trying to study.  For the younger people who weren't already married, there weren't many people who could handle a relationship w/ someone who wasn't in law school too. I also wonder what you have been doing to make a life for yourself since you got down there.  Have you tried to make friends & do activities that you like?  You should never make your partner 100% of the focus of your life--first of all it makes you a boring person and then if you do break up, then you have nothing else going for you.

I do agree that while he is going through exams is probably not the best time to discuss your relationship.  He must have a few weeks off for Christmas break.  I'd think that would be a good time to tell him that you really need to know his honest opinion.  Maybe some of it was venting, but I'd bet that he does have some concerns about the relationship & he needs to be honest.  Denying something to make you feel better isn't going to work either because you don't want to feel like the old ball & chain.  Explain to him that you don't want to invest in trying to find a job there if he doesn't really want you around & that it would be better for you to know so that you could just make plans to move back home.  If you didn't have a dog, I'd just say get that one way ticket for Christmas & don't come back but you have to figure out a way to get back home--if you have to ask your parents to borrow money, then do it.  You could sell your car if you can get anything for it & rent a car if you have to.  Tell your parents it's a loan and you'll pay them back when you get a job.  As the mom of a young person, I would always help her out--I wouldn't want her to stay in a bad relationship just due to being embarrassed.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:58am

crimshaw wrote:
<p>Ukgirl82, thank you for your response! Yes, it is hard to read what you said, but sadly I feel it is the truth as well. Now I just don't know how to handle this. I sold all my furniture and everything to come here, and I'm short on money now too. I know my family would help me get home but I just feel so idiotic over all of this. And great just now he came into the room freaking out about some issue with his law school exam software, so I now will have to wait at least 2 weeks to really say I'm leaving because then if he does poor on an exam I'll feel our break up somehow distracted him. I do have a flight booked to go home for the holidays, so i could just leave then, but my car is here(don't think it will make the drive to NC because its old) and my dog too. Ugh this is so awful. He just came back in here and took out a bunch of anger on me over this exam thing. Lovely.</p>

No no no no no no!

Stop with the excuses.

Get over feeling idiotic--this is your life you're talking about here.

Him and his exam and how he does on it has absolutely nothing to do with you. He is a grown man; if he's not up for the rigors of law school, then he should just go sell shoes at Nordstroms. 

When things don't go his way, he takes it out on you--that's being abusive... and you're beginning to take on the mindset of someone who's dealing with an abusive partner in that you're trying to make everything your fault when it's not.  Cancel the flight, use the money to fix your car; call your folks and ask for their help; tell him you're out of there by the end of the year, pack your stuff and your pup and leave.  That is the most adult, pro-active and positive thing you can do to reinforce your self esteem, your inner strength and your self worth. When it comes down to it, we have to learn to rely on ourselves and our resourcefulness to get out of jams our hearts got us into.

And his coming to you to take out his anger needs to be nipped in the bud today. That is unacceptable.  His software failure has nothing to do with you and he needs to call his professor about that, not verbally abuse you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:33pm
My heart really goes out to you. I can understand how reading those messages has really broken your heart. The relationship is definitely over, how dare he say those things about you? What he did was classified as cheating, as far as I'm concerned. There's such a thing as emotional cheating and its as damaging if not worse than the real thing. Don't do him any favors by taking it easy on him just because of his school. He didn't have "school" on the brain when he was messaging that girl. And now he's taking his frustrations out on you? Please. Leave as soon as you can. He WILL deal with it, and if he doesn't, its really not going to be your problem anymore. If you stay around for 2 more weeks, thats 2 weeks which will be tugging at your heart and you will probably be even more lost than you are now. You've moved to another state for this guy, and he's openly told another female that he's not going to ever marry you. Forget this guy. You will be so much happier back home, just give it time. New opportunities will come your way. I've been in a similar position before, and I was so glad to be back home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:35pm

As a mom, I would happily welcome you back home and help you get back on your feet rather than have you feel you need to stay with someone who seems to be using you.

If he felt this way he should have talked to you about it not some person on facebook let alone saying what he said to them. You gave up everything to be with him and he doesn't appreciate that.

I say time to find someone who is going to be as giving and caring as you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:41pm
I have to agree with all the other replies. It's just not the right time for him. Break it off. Tell him he needs to focus on his exams. Move home. Don't wait to get started with your life. Set yourself up good. You have your whole future to find something special again. It will happen. It'll be the right time in both your lives. Focus on spoiling yourself right now. :) don't move too far away from your support group. Not good to get depressed from isolation. That's hard on its own. Good luck with whatever you decide. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:58pm

Seems like the trust is gone for you. Even if he isnt "physically" cheating on you, it sounds like he is is having an emotional connection with the other girl(s) when you should be who he focuses on.

Maybe he isn't mature enough to see what you gave up to be with him or appreciate it.

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