relationship in danger..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
relationship in danger..
5
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:19pm
my BF and I have been together for 2years and a half.I used to think that we are perfect for each other,we were so much alike and i was the happiest woman alive.we made plans for our future together right from the very first months in our relationship.all things started to change some time ago,when i started to wonder who he is and not recognising the person in front of me.he never treated me wrong or anything like that,never showed me any signs of infidelity,but he seems different,he doesn't see me as the first thing though he always says that nothing has changed in his feelings..and i believe him..we almost broke up a few times already, and he finally admitted that he was trying to be what i want in a guy,in the beginning of our realtionship,according to my desire.and now he is his real self and wants me to accept him..but it's very hard..it's like i don't know him anymore..i don't know how to act in somw situations..he says he wants to be more of a man from now on,since he considers he hasn't felt that he had done before in the relationship.he is maybe the opposite of me:very calm and good and friendly..but wants me to accept him the way he is right now,which is the real him.i love him very much, he could have ended this relationship many times by now, but holds on to it because he really wants to make it work.I am tired of wondering why he acts the way he does sometimes...like, one time we were at a party and a friend of his really hurt by saying something stupid on our way out of that party and he didn-t react..I started to yell at him for not doing anything and only then he called his friend in the car and told him some angry words.He is a very calm person,always talks to everyone,never fights.he truly is a great man.but i can't believe his reactions at times like this.i know he cares and this is only the way he feels.he was very angry also at that time but didn=t want to make a scene,he said.and he didn-t want to hurt me again by discussing the incident.i really want to be with him,we have a difficult relationship,he works on a ship and we spend a lot of time apart.unfortunately,he is away also right now and we are again at an impass..i want us to work, he promises he is doing everything in his power to make it work,to change so that we can be good.he is a very gentle,tender and loving guy..sex is incredible and i can't imagine life without him..but i am tired..and confused..please help..i am one desperate woman in love..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:38pm

'I started to yell at him for not doing anything'

He is right. You are trying to change him and he wants you to see the real him and ACCEPT the real him now. He was putting on a different face for you for a few months. This is common in relationships.

'I am tired of wondering why he acts the way he does sometimes...'

Stop wondering. He has told you. This is him.

Now you hav to accept him or move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 3:35pm
You are in love with an illusion of what you think he should be. Not who he is. He is trying to be what you want him to be, THAT is not who he is, you need to either accept him as is or find someone else. You need take the blinders off and grow up and learn to communicate with him, screaming is not communicating, why would you want someone that you have to "mold" into what you want, life does not work that way. YOU can't fix someone else, you only have control over yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 3:47pm
i am aware that in the beginning everyone tends to mold into something that the other might like.i knew this from the beginning.i'm only saying that i was very surprised at how much he had changed and how,involuntarily, he pushed me away.he admits that and truly regrets it.it's just that i thought for so long that he was the way i knew him..and now,it's very hard to find someone else instead.it's not like this happened after a few months..it happened after 2 years i guess.it's hard to imagine that there could be someone else inside a person you thought you knew.we find now that we actually have very few things in common for real..and we both want this to work.but i want to find a way to accept him the way he truly is.it's like i don't know how to handle this..this is the help i need.i want to accept him.i know it sounds weird,but how can i do that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:22pm

I understand it's hard, and I know you are hurting. Work on yourself and find out what makes you happy for yourself, learn to honestly communicate with him without yelling, and if he and you both want it to work you can do that together. But remember you both have to want it 100% for that to happen. A good relationship takes two whole, happy people to work. You should compliment each others lives not complete them. There are a lot of books you could pick up to try and understand him a little better and yourself. Good luck

Just a couple off the top of my head.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

He's scared She's scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:08pm

From what you've written, unless you've left some significant things out, it seems you have a really good, caring, even-keeled and level-headed man on your hands. I'm not sure what's so bad about that. If you have a difficult relationship with a person like this, is it possible you "want" to see the bad more so than the good in him? I'm just asking. Many times, people mistake big show of emotion for love vs. calm, cool, collected. Is that how you see things?

He's right, you need to learn to accept him as he is, and to want him to fly off the handle just because you felt slighted and to "defend' you somehow ISN'T what I'd call a good trait to want in someone. Some of these even-keeled people got that way because they want to process what's happened, figure out what to do about it, and then act on the result of all that. I personally don't like to react when I'm pissed off, it's just not a good day for anyone then ;)

I can understand it must be very confusing, maybe you even might feel a little betrayed or lied to? I don't know. Do you think it's at all possible for you to see him with *fresh* eyes, to see the person he is today and accept him as is? As humans, the one thing we all look for in life is to find someone, anyone, who will accept us exactly the way we are. If you truthfully don't think you can ever give that to him, you may have to rethink this.

I personally feel you might give it a try, it could very well be worth it in the end.

Good luck,

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