Relationship Doubts- help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Relationship Doubts- help!
3
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:06pm
hey! here's my story. I'm almost 21, and my boyfriend is 20. we have been dating since we were 17-- a little over 3 years. (he's my first real reationship) We have had a wonderful, loving, faithful relationship. 100% trust and honesty, great communication, we feel completely comfortable around each other and can tell each other everything. he is my best friend. we also lost our virginities to each other (after 11 months) which was wonderful. In high school we were both involved in technical theater together (he was a year behind me in school) and it was great to share that. now we are both at the same college and things are different. i joined a sorority which I am really envolved in, and love. I brings him to our formals, etc. i am really into getting the college experience- parties, some drinking, just having fun... he is not. he doesn't drink (but no longer minds when I do) and he is not at all involved in school. his 2 closest guy friends don't live near us, and he has not really made any friends at school. we joke hat he is a dork because he's very intelligent and everything, but he used to be so much more social in high school. (btw, he is very cute) we are close with each others' families... i am over at his house a lot (he still lives at home and commutes, I live in an apartment with my friends) haivng dinner with his parents who i love, and 2 younger brothers who i treat like my own. i am friends with their family friends, etc. our loves are so intertwined I don't remmeber what life was like without him. we have had fights about money (he's a saver, i'm a spender) but have gotten over them. we've had some huge fights and some small ones. its been a while since we've fought, though. anyway, you'r eprobably wondering what my problem is...

basically, i feel bored with my relationship, and i feel like we are maybe too comfortable in it and with each other. we don't really go out and do much. when i'm not with him, i'm with my sisters, friends, at school, work and or wherever... when he's not with me, hes fine with sitting at home. he loves his job and feels he doesn't need much else of a social life. soemtimes i like to stay home and watch a movie in bed or whatever, but we rarely go out and o something fun. he's not very adventurous or spontaneous, and its starting to bother me more and more. the thing is, he is such an amazing person, and treats me so well... but its just like the little things- i dont get flowers for no reason, or surprised with much at all. i saw a family friend 2 days ago at a party who i had a cruch on when i was little and hadn't seen since i was 12... i had my b/f with me, but when i saw him (fam friend) he practically took my breath away. i kept wanting to talk to him all day, an i was so attracted to him. i guess my b/f noticed b/c when i was talking to him later i told him and was like "yeah, i know". i felt so bad. and confused- why am i attracted to another person when i'm in love with soemone else. that's another thing... i'm not sure i feel as strongly for him as i first did. we've just been together so long... and it never really occured to me before. anyway, i talked to our best (guy) friend, who suggested taking a break. i brought it up to my b/f and he got so upset and started crying and just though everything i was telling him was oming from out of nowhere- i was so honest with him, and he said he's never felt this way about me, that he loves me more and more every day. maybe i was too honest? but when he asked me if that's what i really wanted, i said no. i even brought up the possibility of dating other people, and that upset him even more. i feel like i'd be a hippocryte, because it would kill me if he dated someone else. its not like there's really anyone i WANT to date. i feel like i've been focing fate just assuming we'd get married. we talk about it and i've looked at rings (although we're not ready yet- i get a little ahead of myself) and i'm thinking maybe i scared myself. i don't know. i told him that when i walk down the aisle, i want to be 100% doubt free. i just feel like we don't have much passion, our sex life isn't fabulous (i never orgasm, maybe because we don't really try.... but anyway) and i just don't get the same feeling i used to feel. the cards i've written him are novels, and i go on and on about how much i love him and everything... now i feel like i wouldn't know what to write to him i'm so confused. i thought this was it but now i'm left wondering if there's someone out there that i'm more suited for- and for him, too, but that part scares me more. he is practically perfect. if i wrote down everything i wanted in a guy, he would have everything, except for the adventurous/social part. i'm worried i'm not as in love with him as he still is with me- i want to get that feeling back.

it would take me ever longer to go into every detail, but i was hoping for some feedback/advice. thank you so much. (you could email to me also at Heavenly37@aol.com)

thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:57pm
From what i can tell, you two have no serious problems. People sometimes don't realize that when they've been with someone for a long time, the relationship changes, it may seem like the feelings have gone, when in reality they've just changed. Thats what happens to a lot of married couples, they are expecting the butterflies to always be there and to always feel like they did when they first met, the real step to true love and happiness is getting past that and realizing how happy and in love they are with the person even without those butterflies. I guess you need to ask yourself are you IN love with him, or just comfortable having someone there for you? Do you want to do the whole college thing (parties, dating, finding out who you are, etc.) single, or with him? Do you think that you can really grow as a person and really find yourself while you're with him? Do you think you two are going in separate directions and its time for this stage in your life to end? I dont know if anything i said helped, but best of luck.

*ezizabef*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:52am
thank you for your input and advice. i know I am in love with him :-) you made me think and feel a litle better. thanks again!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:55pm
It sounds to me like you just aren't ready to settle down. That's perfectly normal. It also sounds like some of your priorities have changed in the past couple years. That is also perfectly normal.

I started dating a guy right out of high school and we were together for a couple years. I thought he was the one - was a terrific guy who treated me well, was responsible, stable, caring, etc. I mean, why WOULDN'T I want to be with him, right?

Well, I realized that although we started out being compatable, as time went on, I was changing. I wanted different things than I wanted when I was 17 and I realized that this guy wasn't what I wanted. I broke up with him and it hurt him a lot (hurt me too) but I knew that it was inevitable and figured it was better to break up then than to drag it on, you know? He got over it and married someone else. I went on with college and eventually married someone else too and I have never regretted my decision.

So anyway, I'm not telling you to break up with this guy or to stay with him - just realize that it's pretty normal for people to go through some significant changes in their late teens and early 20s, so relationships that were great in high school, may or may not be great for the long haul.