relationship or not ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
relationship or not ?
2
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:46am
This is going to be very hard to put this in words, unless you knew us in person. But im going to try my best and i would appreciate your advice / tips / solutions.

Let me first off start with some info.

I'm 19 years old.

I'm a guy.

I have no kids.

Ive been in 1 serious relationship.

She is 20 years old.

She has 1 kid

She has been in 2 serious relationships

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Well I’ve know this girl for about 4 years, but we never really talked, I just met her a couple times when I would hang out with her sister. But about 6 - 7 months ago, one of my good friend started dating her sister, and of course, I would tag along. Within a week, her and her sister moved out into an apartment. This is when I got to know her more, and for some odd reason we started liking each other. We first started out by cuddling, watching movies, and kissing. Doing what most couples do. Things started to advance, we started playing around, which then led to sex . We were with each other all the time, not one day went bye, without us seeing each other.

Things were looking pretty good, her kid loves me, both her parents love me, and im the first guy her dad has ever liked, that’s with her. (I would hear this from her and the mom) I met her WHOLE family, both sides of the mom and dad and they all like me, I get along with them great. Just about every other day we would visit her parents or grandparents. But what’s odd is that she never wanted to meet my family, she always had some excuse. Why is that?

Things sound great so far.. Right? I thought so too, until one day when we were in bed, I tried making a move, I got pushed away, and trust me I know, there is nothing wrong with that, But this same thing happened everything time I tried something.. Eventually I asked her, what gives? She told me that we were on a "Step Back" and she informed me it was NOT a break; It was just stopping any type of sexual activity between us. My first thought was, is this a test to see if I really care about her? or if I was just using her. But then I thought about it, and it couldn’t possibly be that, because we've been through so much.. She told me, it would only last for a couple weeks’ but then it turned into months. From the start I would ask her what is the purpose of this, what have I don’t wrong? She replied, nothing at all, I just wanna see how long I can go. Besides the whole step back ordeal, everything else was the same.

I started noticing, she would get pissed at me, very easily. Things like, How I Drive, Playing with her kid, and she gets really pissed off when I ask her about the step back or bring up any question regarding our “relationship”

Something else that really bothers me, is that she started telling people that she doesn’t want any relationship. She said that she told me this at the very beginning.

She then tells people were not “together” which has a really big effect on me, and she stopped showing affection for me in public, but when me and her are together alone, we act like we are in a relationship and that we are together. We kiss, cuddle and sleep with each other. IM VERY CONFUSED! What can I do to make this better? I’m too much attached and I do not wanna lose her.

Give me tips

Give me some advice

Give me something to do! Please….

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:25pm
Hi there,

I don't want to be negative, but this whole situation does not sound so good. First of all, you are a young man and have a whole life ahead of you. All of the answers you seek are right there in front of your nose. She is young, had a child at a young age and maybee something with her past is still haunting her. It appears to me that she wants a companion, but without the strings attached. It could be possible that she is confused and does not know what she really wants yet. Or, its that she is just lonely at the present and is taking what is available to her, but waiting for something else. Also, her behavior could be the way it is, because she is seeking a marriage proposal. As far as not meeting your family....that is a bit strange, unless its because she knows that you are just a diversion temporarily and does not want to be know as a serious prospect to you, in your familys eyes; so she can save face. As far as the sexual aspect, stopping it..........hmmm that sounds like something serious. Did you ever consider that she might have an STD, and has time periods were no sexual intercourse is able; because of infection. I don't want you to get upset about what I have to say, but I am in the medical field and I know much about these things. When you have a chance, go on the internet to a medical library and look up Herpes. Read the facts and stats on that. I also recommend that, if this cycle between you and her keeps going and leading to nowhere.....break it off and move on. There are many fish in the sea and you need to focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Don't get tied down to young.....I did and it only lead to divorce. If you get involved to young and take on adult responsibilities.....you will never get to experience the normal things that young adults should experience. I hope I have not offended you in anyway, I was just trying to give you my honest opinion from experience. You can email me, if you have any other questions or need more advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:20am

She needs to be clear on where the relationship stands. It sounds like basically, you are friends that sometimes share the occational kiss. Unless you like to be used, only needed when its convenient for her, or her child, I would get out. Things is, this isnt just about what shes doing to you...its what shes putting that child through. Think about it. She openly says she has no intentions of being in a relationship, she doesnt hold your hand or show affection in public, and has no interest in getting to know your family....and your still there. I dont support people letting men or women slide thru their childrens life like it doesnt affect them in the least bit, especially when they only let this happen to benefit themselves in one way or another.


Its clear that you care for her, and Im sorry she doesnt realize ehat a good guy you are...but its her loss.


Best wishes,