relationship question need answered

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2008
relationship question need answered
6
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 6:06pm
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. We had been talking about marriage for a long time when things became very stressful. He was buying a new house and would talk about how I would live in it and how great everything will be when I finish school and blah blah blah. Well during the whole process of getting the house I began to get more excited and we started to talk about marriage almost every conversation we had. It got so stressful he began to question if he even wanted to get married so I broke it off. I told him I was unsure how things could work out if he didnt want marriage anymore and I did. Anyways we were broken up and talking not everyday but said we would try to work on our relationship. He said he needed a break and I said okay. He still wanted to see me and talk to me. I told him we couldnt talk if he didnt want to marry me and be with me we should just break it off. Anyways he began to talk to another girl after this, we were fighting everytime we did talk but we still talked some. I asked him to stop talking to her because he wasnt dating her just talking and we both wanted to work on getting back together. He said he shouldnt have to get rid of a friend. I told him I could not be with him he chose her blah blah blah. He ended up complying in hopes to be with me. Appoligized and said he couldnt be without me not talking to her or being friends or whatever they were was good enough to come between us. We began talking again and he hasnt talked to her again since...(that im aware of) our relationship has just bloomed and we seem really perfect and we have talked about marriage again and it dosent seem as stressful. My question is should I let this bother me that he began to talk to another girl while we were still talking although we werent together? I dont know if he dated her or not but he said he didnt...if he really did and I dont know should I let this bother what we have now? we werent together and I feel like it shouldnt get to me but it still does....is this wrong? Im nervous that I will continue to think about him and her and ruin what we are working on....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 7:12pm

"I dont know if he dated her or not but he said he didnt...if he really did and I dont know should I let this bother what we have now? we werent together and I feel like it shouldnt get to me but it still does....is this wrong? Im nervous that I will continue to think about him and her and ruin what we are working "


When someone in a relationship says that they need a break I tend to think of it as a nice way of legalized cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 7:26pm
I thank you for your response yet we were not in a relationship when he began to talk to the other girl. I had broken up with him. Does this change your response any because he did not tell me he needed a break and break up with me and go to her...I had broken up with him and then he began to talk to her...sorry for the confusion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 8:14pm

Welcome to the board funfunfun28,


Since you broke up with him, he was free at that point to befriend this girl, talk to her and even date her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 9:32pm
I know I shouldnt dwell on it. I think it bothered me for the fact that even tho we were broken up he said he wanted to work on us and we just kept arguing about marriage and in the midst of that he began to talk to her. I felt like it was an escape for him and I dont want that to happen down the road when things get tough to turn and talk to someone else. His father cheated on his mother and although he has never cheated on me and we had been together for 6 years it scares me that it could happen like father like son and I keep worrying that this was a sign. But you are right that he was free to talk to her we were not together. I should just give it my all now and not dwell on it. THanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 7:16am

First I think it's important to understand that even if a person/relationship is ready to talk about marriage, it is very unhealthy for it to dominate every conversation you have.

I guess if you want some positive criticism, I would suggest that - the next time marriage comes up - you start making definite plans. Tell him you want to get engaged. After six years together you should be able to make plans like that, I think it's reasonable. If he balks and doesn't want to do it, then you should leave if marriage is really what you want.

You should not be bothered by this other girl. Put her out of your mind. You don't have the right to tell him not to "talk" to another girl - if she is coming between you it's because you are projecting that fear. He's not choosing her over you; that's a false dichotomy you're creating. She's not your romantic competition.

"Im nervous that I will continue to think about him and her and ruin what we are working on...."
You're right, but will you feel better by FORCING him not to talk to her? In my experience this does nothing but cause resent, and make you feel worse about yourself realizing that he is doing what you want only because you threatened to leave. Love only feels "RIGHT" when we know the other person feels free. Maybe something to think about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 08-01-2008 - 1:08pm

Oh..sorry..I got the impression that when he started to question getting married that he already had this woman in the back of his mind and maybe he just didnt say anything.