relationship saver help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
relationship saver help me
5
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:09pm
Me and my BF of 5 years have had sex 3 times this year...both of us are unhappy about this situation. However, we are both to proud to give into each other...i know (where is the love) It's like this vicious circle we can't seem to stop....."He needs sex" I need a loving touch sometimes without it having to lead to sex! So here is the circle I won't have sex with me because he don't ever just touch (kiss, hug, cuddle) me...he won't ever just touch me because i won't have sex with him....I've heard "one of you has to just give in" or "who is going to be the adult here" And believe me I've tried I've given in and had sex even if i didn't feel like it and waited for what i need and i still don't get that touch that i long for....I'm left feeling nothing after sex. I feel like a toy with no real feelings that he cares about...I feel like it's all about what he wants, what he needs and i'm tired of it...I do love him and i want us to work out forever,but my goodness all i have left to give this man is my spirit and i would be left with nothing if i did that!

PS I've had one night stands (before us) that made me feel like a queen! why does this man i love make me feel like a blow up doll?

if im being stupid irrational or whatever tell me....I'm not totally against the idea that it could be all my fault...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 11:44am
I don't think you're being unreasonable or irrational, but it's a difficult problem. If a man doesn't want to be affectionate, there's not much you can do to change him probably, from my experience. The relationship gurus say that the woman should give more sex and the man more love, but that doesn't work if both don't do their part.

My best advice would be to decide if he's abusive in other areas, because as far as I'm concerned, if a man has no regard for your needs and wants, that is abusive in a way. Unfortunately, I think that disregard also leads to other abuses. It just doesn't make sense that if someone loves someone else why they wouldn't want to express it.

Unfortunately, sex can be very loving or it can be very degrading and abusive. It sounds like it's really up to him which it will be. Would it kill him to give you a squeeze around the shoulders once-in-awhile or a kiss on the cheek? He may have a problem with being hyper-sexed, but if that's the case, he could limit touches that aren't going anywhere at that moment to friendship touches. Whatever he's comfortable with. Maybe even just a handshake. At least then you'd know he was making an effort. It sounds like if you're going to resolve this, you're both going to have to meet in the middle somewhere. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:33pm

this is not an easy situation, but it sound like there is too much power playing going on here (on both sides), and blaming. its not anyone's "fault" - you both have different needs, and its both of your "responsibilities' to talk openly about your needs, and to work out compromises.


IF other aspects of this relationship are ok, i.e., there is no violence, no controlling, no passive-agressive behavior (other than the sexual area), you are both working/in school, you feel he is repectful of you and your feelings, you share household duties, etc - then you might want to get yourselves to a couple's therapist to work on the sexual area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 5:08pm
That's the million dollar question. How can both a man and a women get what they need. A woman wants more romance, a man wants more sex. A woman doesn't feel like having sex if there's no romance, and a man doesn't feel like being romantic if there's no sex. Some men think "romance" is just another word for sex. Some men think romance is a chore and why bother if there's no guarantee for sex? I'm generalizing, but you know what I mean. I actually had to sit down and talk to my husband about what "romance" meant to me. To me it's not about going out to dinner. To me it's about feeling loved. It's about hearing an original compliment (not a forced one). I told him that once when we were out with some friends and he put his hand on my knee and then on my waist as we left the room it was a complete turn-on...sex just happened 'naturally' that night. Another time something sad happened that caused us to hug each other throughout the day, days following we had a ton of sex and I'm guessing it had something to do with all the touching we had done the days previous that did NOT lead to sex.

Maybe if you tell your BF the simple things that would make you happy and ultimately make you more in the mood more often, maybe he'd be receptive? Guys don't understand that something kind and loving they do at 8AM for us can mean PM sex. At least, it works that way for me. Sometimes I think it's just a matter of not understanding each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 9:24pm
Try one of these:

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

They discuss the very problem in your relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:45am
I don't know if this is what you're saying or not, but I wonder if you mean every touch leads IMMEDIATELY to sex. If that's the case, I can understand why you would balk. When a man only wants to touch you for sex and then as little as possible, that really does leave you feeling like a blow-up doll. It's not fair to you and just rewards him for being selfish and self-absorbed, which isn't good for him. About the only thing you can do is tell him you've had enough. If he doesn't hear you, I would quit him because it will just get worse, in other areas as well. Take care.