in a relationship but still seing my ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
in a relationship but still seing my ex
21
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:58am
have been dating this wonderful guy for about 5 months now...he is everything i ever wanted...we have talked about getting engaged in the nest year and everything. i still keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend (my BF has no idea of this) and recently we saw each other. we had a great time and ended up kissing. i have seen him once since then, and there was no physical contact, but, again...had fun. i don't feel physically attracted to him, but i do feel like i miss something about him. we were together for 4 years, so there is so much comfort and familiarity...he knows me better than anyone. i would be devastated if my BF and i broke up...and i know thats exactly what would happen if he found out. but does the fact that i still feel something for my ex mean anyhting? most women probably wouldnt even be giving this guy the time of day- he broke up with me one day-suddenly- after 4 years...with no reason or explanation. we didnt start talking again until a year after the break-up...please help, i am so confused...i know the best decision would be for me to cut all ties with my ex...but i think i would miss him too much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:50am
You can't have your cake and eat it too. You cheated on your BF with your ex. If you can't stop seeing your ex to salvage your current relationship maybe your current relationship is not what you really want. You have to make a decision. Its not fair to you or your BF at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:51am
'i know the best decision would be for me to cut all ties with my ex...but i think i would miss him too much!'

Then don't. But don't expect your current boyfriend to stay around when he finds out. And maybe he deserves to find someone who wants a monogamous relationship.



Seem to me you don't want to commit to him so you keep your ex around.

And you also were so hurt that you are in contact with you ex to work things out-to find out why he left and your ego wants the upper hand, to hear that he made a mistake. It really is petty though when you think about what you are risking.




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:50pm
I agree with everyone else. You've already kissed your ex, if you keep this up you will be back in his bed in no time.

Who matters more? What direction do you want your life to take? It's all about the choices you make. If your current bf was seeing his ex gf, doing what you are doing with your ex bf, how would you feel?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:06pm
I want my life to take the direction that my current BF and i have talked about...getting engaged within the next year, etc etc. But I can't help but think that maybe something is lacking with him and that's why I am seeing my ex. The other part of me - my head- knows that my ex is totally wrong for me and I'm sure that what i am feeling and/or missing is the familiarity of him and us. When he and I broke up, I started dating someone else immediately after and only thought about the ex throughout that whole relationship. I never had a chance to fully get over him. When he and I started talking again, I entretained the thought of dating him again, saw him, and ruled it out for a lot of reasons. Now, only since my current BF and I have gotten more serious and have been talking marriage, have I gone back to my ex. So, maybe the reality of being married and no longer single scares me a bit. Sure, it excites me...but I admit it is scary. So, in some way this could be my way of acting out. Once I'm engaged, married this kind of childish play absolutely cannot go on. I'm not sure if this is all clear or if it even makes sense...I am so confused and torn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:15pm
You said - "But I can't help but think that maybe something is lacking with him and that's why I am seeing my ex."

I guess this is possible but frankly from your posts, there is something DEFINATELY lacking in you. You're playing a game of charades. Until you deal with your selfishness and lack of integrity and respect ANY forward progress in your relationship will be built like a house of cards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:17pm
Hon, a ring on your finger or getting married, isn't going to change anything. Meaning if there is something missing, it will still be missing. If you are prone to cheat, it won't go away (or all the feelings associated with the ex, current and situation).

Think about this. What is missing with the current? I ran your post by my bf, he pointed out and I quote - She wants the contact with the ex because it makes her feel better about the rejection from him breaking it off. To get that she is risking

losing her current bf (poor guy).

Any truth in that? I think there is. Think about it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:27pm
I gave that some thought, and perhaps, initially that was the reason. but my ex and i have been talking again since january...we have only seen each other a handful of times, but i think i got the satisfaction of him admitting he made a mistake in breaking up with me a while ago. so, yes, that idea isn't off-base, but it diminished by springtime when i realized if i wanted him back i could have him. if there was truly anything there with him and i, i wouldve gotten back with him a while ago...when i hadn't even met my current BF yet. as for me saying that maybe something is lacking...wouldn't i know? i mean, everything is in place- the emotional, the physical, the mental...it all just doesnt make sense to me. i don't want to be playing this game like some of the others who posted may think- this isn't "fun" to me...it is heart-wrenching and again, i feel torn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:27pm
Sit down right now and write us an "imaginary" post.

Pretend your boyfriend walked in while you were kissing your other boyfriend.

I'm curious...how does this imaginary post end?

"If only I could.....?"

(You can, if you stop cheating right now.)

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:50pm
i know, i know...i've envisioned the whole thing...it would be a really ugly mess. and what would happen is my BF would break up with me...i would keep seeing my ex (in the hopes that things would work out since my BF left)...things ultimately would not work out, i would probably settle for him so as not to be alone and have to think about the mistake i made...and always regret what i did. i know all this, and i guess this is just a matter of me ending it- just doing it- hard as its going to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:52pm
PS- my bf and i are leaving for vacation on saturday, and i PRAY that i don't think about my ex the whole time. i guess i could use the vacation to break all ties with him because obviously i cannot see or speak to him while i'm away...

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