in a relationship but still seing my ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
in a relationship but still seing my ex
21
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:58am
have been dating this wonderful guy for about 5 months now...he is everything i ever wanted...we have talked about getting engaged in the nest year and everything. i still keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend (my BF has no idea of this) and recently we saw each other. we had a great time and ended up kissing. i have seen him once since then, and there was no physical contact, but, again...had fun. i don't feel physically attracted to him, but i do feel like i miss something about him. we were together for 4 years, so there is so much comfort and familiarity...he knows me better than anyone. i would be devastated if my BF and i broke up...and i know thats exactly what would happen if he found out. but does the fact that i still feel something for my ex mean anyhting? most women probably wouldnt even be giving this guy the time of day- he broke up with me one day-suddenly- after 4 years...with no reason or explanation. we didnt start talking again until a year after the break-up...please help, i am so confused...i know the best decision would be for me to cut all ties with my ex...but i think i would miss him too much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:56pm
If everything is in place then think of this - you like your ex's attention, not sure if it's just friendship, flattery, the risk of having a secret from your current bf, the possible sexual tension?

If you want him just as a friend, then your current guy needs to know about him, the friendship, meet him and be included. If not, you need to let him go.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:18pm
probably about all my bf could handle is me talking to my ex on occasoion- he would never be ok with me spending time with him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:25pm
You are not over the ex yet. And in my opinion, you are JUMPING into marriage with the new guy after only five months! This might be OK in a normal falling in love situation. But it is not OK here since you are still not over your ex and in fact seeing him and continuing the relationship.

And what kind of guy is your ex? Did you tell him you were engaged to this new man? Or are you hiding that from the ex too?

I think you should break off with both guys until you get your head together. Clearly you are not ready to get married even though the new man is a good man and you don't wnat to lose him......you are not ready!

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:29pm
This says it all, and I agree with whoever said you aren't over your ex yet.

::i would keep seeing my ex (in the hopes that things would work out since my BF left)...things ultimately would not work out, i would probably settle for him so as not to be alone and have to think about the mistake i made...and always regret what i did. i know all this, and i guess this is just a matter of me ending it- just doing it- hard as its going to be.

I think a lot in this article applies to your situation.

Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.

Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.

THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE

An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.

Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.

In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:

Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.

Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.

Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.

In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.

Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.

Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”

A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”

An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.

Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.

FACING THE INEVITABLE END

Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.

Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)

The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.

So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.

David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre.



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:45pm
thank you for that article...much of it was applicable here. this "friendship" i have with my ex has only gotten out of hand this past week. before that, we were talking here and there, but not seeing each other. my selfishness there (aside from truly enjoying talking wiht him) was keeping him on the back burner. i have given this so much thought (can't wait to get back to work in sept. so i don't even have time for this BS, lol) and i will cool things down significantly with my ex. i would like to continue to talk to him here and there (as we were until recently) and will tell my current bf about this. i won't see him because it isn't fair to anyone involved here. i thought seeing him would clear things up for me, but i made a huge mistake. like that article says "take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime." i am going to take my chances now...i took my chances with my ex already and he didnt. he is the one who left me and moved on...i am the one who contacted HIM a year later, so i guess i should keep that in mind as well. again, thank u...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:49pm
hold on krazycatt...i am not engaged...we have only spoken about getting engaged within the next year. just conversation between us. i have only seen my ex once, which is one time too many, this i know...if i hadn't seen him,all this confusion would've been avoided. i know what i have to do and i plan on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:57pm
But you want to be engaged.

The smartest, most mature thing you could do is not entertain that idea until you straighten things out for yourself. Until you are in a relationship where you don't have to pray that you won't think about another guy. Until you are comfortable enough with yourself not to jump into relationships and be o.k. without the attention of one or more men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:59pm
Sorry to have misread your first post! Whew! Glad you are not rushing things...

You know I had another idea for ya. You might write down everything your EX has that attracts you. It would be good to know these things so you are not tempted in the future if you stay with the new guy.

Hey write down things you love about the new guy also. It would be good to know..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:50pm
you already know what you have to do......i think you are just wanted confirmation and someone to tell you to make yourself believe it. you need to cut those ties. if you felt no physical attraction, only that you were missing something...that something is CLOSURE. After 4 years and no explanation why it ended, you are looking for closure to the relationship and chances are, you won't get it. If what you have now is great and its what you want and cherish, dont screw it up by keeping secrets. your ex is an ex for a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 12:50am
funny, a friend of mine suggested the list thing as well...but thank god the day seemed to clear up my fogged head. i am feeling much better about the situation now. i am staying with my boyfriend because he is the one i truly want to be with and i'm not going to risk messing that up for my ex who is simply "fun" and "comfortable." thanks for the post...