Relationships & Responsibilities

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2011
Relationships & Responsibilities
12
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 8:58pm

Alright, so I've been noticing a trend in my relationship that has been getting worse as time goes on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 11:52pm
You aren't going to like my words of wisdom, but here they are anyway: this will not change after you are married. This is the way she is, and it is the dynamic you have established. If you want someone with more acceptable behavior, then you want a different girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 11:52pm

You teach people how to treat you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 12:44am

I'm with Geo on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2008
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 7:12am
You know, about half way through reading this i was thinking in my head, i bet her parents spoiled her and gave her whatever she wanted , and that her parents were the same..My view would be that things won't change on her half because the more you just let things slide the more she'll think she can be manipulative about and get away with..i've been in a simalar situation..Sounds like you have a great loving heart..but i think she's taking advantage of you and your kindness, and i dont think you should let it continue..give her the ultimatum, and if she loves you in her heart, the simple things like helping out and picking things up should be an easy fix on her behalf...............thats what i think....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 8:50am

Hi chefme,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 10:26am

You need to start speaking your mind about what things you don't like & not giving in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 9:03am

I used to have the same problem I hold things in and go along to get along and not want a big confrontation. The problem with that is when you finally speak up the preson acts as if you've grown a third head because you let things build and build until you can't take it anymore and when does come out it comes out in an explosion.

It seems like you may be getting to that point, the problem is you have allowed this behavior you don't like to go on and on and now you're tried of it and she's used to having her way. It is not going to be easy but you just have to make your needs and wants known. Sometimes you can show people better than you can tell them, start spending 80% of time over her place cooking and eating and not clean up behind yourself and see how she likes it.

Bottom line is... you have to speak up you can not continue to suffer in silence otherwise your relationship is not going to work and if you marry her you will be miserable. The hand writing is on the wall you just have to be willing to read it and act on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 11:21am

I'm sorry but I agree with the first couple of posts. This is really valuable information... Consider that the success of a marriage depends on the harmony two people have at home. You have to talk with her, because that's how married couples should resolve problems.

You could say something like: "listen, I'm sorry for waiting so long to bring this up, but something has been really bothering me for a while now. I'm happy to have you stay in my apartment and I realize that it's my responsibility, but I feel resentful when it seems you expect me to make you food or clean up after you. I know I'm not perfect myself, but it makes me anxious to think of myself as the cook and cleaner when we do live together." Then observe her response. She'll either get defensive and throw it back in your face (EXTREMELY LIKELY), or she'll use it as a wake-up call. If she is receptive to your concerns, and I hope she is, make sure you observe any changes over the following few months. I would be amazed if she changed.

In general, as young adults, the wisest thing you could possibly do with regard to the actual wedding would be to wait until you've gone at least a year in an "adult life" - Out of college, with a job and adult responsibilities. I can't tell you how many people I knew who got married in, or right out of, college and then divorced because one partner was just a disaster as an adult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 11:28am

Amazing that people are glossing over the fact that this guy pays for her clothes, groceries, living supplies, vacations... The girl is a spoiled brat and he's enabling her bad attitude. Actions speak louder than words... He can talk to this girl until he's blue in the face but if he continues buying her clothes and letting her walk all over him, his words mean nothing and she knows that. This girl has a sweet setup. He doesn't mind that she doesn't have a job NOW... But what reason would she ever have to look for employment? A conversation about fairness isn't going to change the fact that she is a gold digger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 4:49pm

Truth be told, I missed the fact that he's paying for her stuff.

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