To relocate or to not relocate...help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
To relocate or to not relocate...help!!
8
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 7:06pm

About a year ago, I relocated to New York a job my boyfriend got. Up until this move, our relationship was perfect. I

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 10:05pm

Saffron,

There is important information in this sentence from your post:

"I hated the house we lived in, the job I had, and I had no life outside of him.....After about a year, I ended up moving back home to clear my head, and eventually got a great job here. However we remained together while he worked in New York. Things in our relationship improved dramatically."

So here's my observations and then, my two cents for what it's worth:

First, you clearly are happier when you are surrounded and grounded in family and familiar places. It doesn't mean you can't find those things elsewhere, and you may, however, I see a clash of VALUES between you here. Not compatibility. VALUES.

You value family, familiar and comfortable people, places, and rythmn of life. Sure, it's OK to have adventures: live other places, visit other places, etc. But you're always happier "at home" or where you find "home" meaningfully replicated for you. NYC wasn't it.

Second, you sound young which I mean as you are both still exploring trying to figure out what it is you want to do, where you (he?) wants to live, and what kind of environment you want to make your home. To your "groundedness" he sounds "untethered." Did his parents move a lot? Is he a restless soul who wants to explore? Is a new city a temporary adventure or a diversion until he gets bored with it and needs to move on? Or, maybe the industry he works in expects people to relocate every 2 years or so to different regions of the country?

Third, my test question for couples who are serious is this: "If you lost - your home, job, money, etc. - could you live in a tent with your chosen one until you could rebuild your lives?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 10:11pm

Is he being 'selfish' to ask you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 10:48pm

Wisdom,

Your observations hit me like a ton of bricks.

You're right- our values are not the same. Family is important to me- he is not that close with his. Work is the most important thing in his life; friends and having a meaningful personal life are the most important thing in mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 11:28pm

I agree with the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 10:40am

I would not commit to moving out there in the very near future.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 4:47pm

I am actually very interested in your situation and would love to ask you some questions.

My boyfriend also has a job in an industry that requires him to move a lot too. This will be our second relo together....the first was obviously a disaster for me. I was extremely homesick, it was my first time away from home, and to be honest, it was our first time TRULY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 1:42pm

In all honesty, this was all discussed before we agreed to get married.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 7:38pm
I don't post here often, but had to chime in. DH and I moved to Seattle about a year ago. I got a job offer I could not refuse, and he moved kicking and screaming. We almost divorced over this. However, while we did move for my job, I don't forsee us moving again in a while as there are plenty of good options for me here. He'd love to move back to his hometown in TX.

Seattle is beautiful. I love the city, the weather, water everywhere. I would not want to go back to texas heat anytime soon. But I had a hard time making a home for us here, not too many close friends. People can be cold here, and I work a lot. DH did make some friends he does things with regularly.

I think your question should not be as much about moving to Seattle as it should be about staying with your BF. How long does he plan to stay in seattle? What will you do when he wants to move again in a few years? We moved here for me, and I do love it here, but it took me over one year to get a more of a homey feeling here and meet a few friends. My close friends are still in TX, and I doubt I will build such strong friendships here anytime soon.