Removing Filters in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Removing Filters in a relationship
4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:28pm

Im back in a relationship with an ex. We were together young (17-21 years old) and after 4 years decided to part ways to explore life and other relationships. We had something great and loved each other very much. Time has passed (4 years) and we found ourselves still caring for one another and decided to possibly work on seeing if we could be together forever. We have talked about it and if we continue to get along and things go well then we will be together.

We have had some speed bumps, be it small, and have gotten past them so far but I have noticed something that I believe needs to change in order for us to work. The girl I date is very timid and shy and a type of person that helps everyone and doesnt want to hurt anyone. Having that mindset I will tell you that Im very straight up and blunt and in the past I was controlling and possessive, and Ill admit that. Since then though I have changed and am not that way at all. I was young and have had many relationships since then and my insecurities have subsided. The problem came up earlier last week when I noticed that my ex has a filter on myself. Shes viewing me through my old tendencies and sometimes jumps into feeling a certain way for no apparent reason except by going off the past. She will be scared to tell me how she feels or scared to changes plans with fear of me getting upset with her or "hounding" her with what she did wrong. Heres a small example.

She lives about an hour twenty away and I come up once a week to see her. We setup plans for one night for me to come up and make a meal and spend a nice evening together. I drove about 40 mins and I get a call from her, semi frantic that her friend is in trouble and needs a place to stay. She felt it was awkward to have both of us stay there and having to entertain both of us. The phone convo started with her explaining that her friends husband was in a rage and kicked her friend out and that her friend needed a place to stay. Instead of saying sorry and explaining that she needs to help her friend and have me come another night, she was very general and touchy feely and I was totally confused as to what she wanted me to do. I asked if her friend could stay in a hotel room and offered other things and it only lead to her getting upset to the point of raising her voice at me and getting completely upset. She gets overwhelmed very easily and cant handle stress very well. She was crying saying how sorry she was, and how she doesnt know what to do. She doesnt want me mad at her and explained that shell "hear about how I made you drive an hour and turn around to go home" all week.... I don’t know how I would of reacted but I do feel it would have been much better if she came out and told me what was going on exactly and how she felt about it. Told me shes sorry and that we’d do something another night. Instead she was timid and jumped around how she felt and what she wanted from me causing all kinds of problems.

Do you get the point? She has this filter on me that I want to get rid of. I dont want her to be nervous or scared to come to me with things and I dont want her to view me as her parent figure.. I want to be regarded as a friend...boyfriend.. etc.

Thanks for any words that may help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:49pm

I think the problems you are having are more closely related to her personality ("very timid and shy and a type of person that helps everyone and doesnt want to hurt anyone") than it is to your previous relationship with her.

Her being timid would go way back to BEFORE you were dating the first time. You see, a strong, confident girl/woman would have kicked you to the kerb when you did the controlling and possessive thing. The only reason your relationship lasted the previous time was because she had been too timid to speak up for herself.

Bearing this in mind, there is nothing you can do to help her change. If she's really unhappy with how she is, she may benefit from some counselling...but short of a complete personality overhaul with a consellor, she's not going to be the girl you want. It's now up to you to decide whether you want this type of partner. Personally, I couldn't do it....I need someone who speaks their mind.

Also, the whole thing about cancelling you because her distressed friend was coming sounds very odd to me. I don't understand why it would be awkward having you and the friend there at the same time. Not to mention I think it's incredibly rude cancelling you EN ROUTE. She should have said to her friend "well, sure you can come over...as long as you don't mind my boyfriend being there". Tell me this: what would she have done if you were married or living together? Sent you away for the night?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 12:43am

You have to understand that we arent bf/gf yet. We are taking baby steps so Im not friends with her friends and vice versa. She had a friend coming over after being threatened by her husband and then me coming up to see if "we can work".... Not to mention that the friend is 36... were 24/25... So being we arent exactly out of the woods for being bf/gf.. I can def see how it would be hard to help her friend while making me feel at ease. So I see her point. It was all legit btw if your wondering that. She called and talked to me for hours after it happened to tell me what went down.

Thanks for your help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:56am

Oh I see. Sorry for the confusion. I'm Australian and here the term "in a relationship" means that you're exclusively boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn't realise it could have a different meaning elsewhere.

For what it's worth, my husband and his mates have all dated women who won't speak their minds at one time or another. But they all ended up moving on and marrying women who have an opinion ;-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 3:06am

I don't think it has anything to do with her personality at all, and everything to do with the way you treated her when you were together and the way you continue to treat her. You say that she "has a filter" and "has a way of viewing (you) through (your) old tendencies." Let me translate: SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU. And why should she?

I am always wary of people who say that they "USED TO BE controlling and possessive." Relationships or other people will not cure you of these flaws. In fact, this whole post is about control:

1)You want her to behave the way a certain way towards you and you're here looking for the magic bullet. Sorry. There's no such thing. You can't manipulate her into trusting you.

2) Her friend needed her help (probably quite desperately) and you want her (friend) to spend the night in a hotel just so YOUR plans wouldn't get messed up. Way to be supportive! No wonder she started yelling. I don't know what feelings you want her to tell you. Clearly she was upset that her friend was in trouble. She said was sorry to turn you away. And she told you EXACTLY what was going on. It doesn't sound like you are listening to what she is telling you, but instead, expect to hear what you want to hear.

3) People don't generally "jump into feeling a certain way for no apparent reason except by going off the past" (unless she's a nut, in which case, what are you doing?). No, they get triggered by certain situations that reminds them that they need to protect themselves emotionally or physically.

My guess is, you haven't changed as much as you think you have.