Renew wedding vows?

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Renew wedding vows?
10
Sat, 06-22-2013 - 8:54pm

I would like to know your opinion.....

I want to try to understand my DH and why I don't understand him on this topic.  

My DH and I will have our 10 year wedding anniversary in July.  I thought it would be nice to renew our wedding vows.  He said he does not want to do that.

He has not given a major reason, other then, he said it is not necessary.  I am usually able to put myself in another person's shoes and keep a open mind and try to understand, but this one, I am struggling with.

I told him that the day we married, 10 years ago, I was so nervous, I hardly remember the ceremony.  I told him that we have been through alot together in the past 10 years and to me, saying those vows again, I want to do.  He does not want too.  I told him it is important to me.

So, what are your thoughts?  If it is important to me, wouldn't he be willing to do this again?  I am trying to understand his thinking, but maybe you all can offer some thoughts that would help me see his point of view.

Thanks!! :)

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 7:39pm

Thank you everyone for your replies.  I know there is more to be looked at, then just the vows or words.  I have asked friends and some family about this topic as well.  It appears I am the only person who thought of doing this or wants to do this.  Everyone pretty much told me that they personally would not think to renew their vows. Many ppl said they would not want too, so I got my answers.  No big deal, it was just something I thought of, but I know see other people's point of view :)

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 7:34pm

Do you have any thoughts of how our marriage could be improved?  What you said makes sense, just would like to know then of ways to improve our marriage.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 2:10pm

I'd have to say I can see both sides of this issue. For you it's a nice symbolic gesture of celebrating your marriage and your years together. There is certainly nothing inherently wrong with renewing your vows.

I can see his side too. If it involved something in public, I can understand hating that because I'm the same way. I can also see the arguement that a vow is a vow, and taking it once should suffice.

Certainly there are people who do renew their vows. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do it or going ahead and doing it. It boils down to a matter of opinion and perception. A person can speak the words of a vow but not mean them in their heart and I would say in effect what they did meant nothing. Clearly there are a great many people that take the wedding "vows" that do not follow through on them..So you might ask whats the point? Maybe its better to not get wrapped up in vows and ceremony and focus each and every day on your relationship and try make it the best that it can be. That is all any of us can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 10:22pm

Renewing vows was never something that I have felt a need to do and knowing my dh I don't think he would be interested in it either. Some friends did it on their 30th anniversary, in the same little village where their wedding was held but this was a big party at a nicer place and more people were included. I couldn't see or hear the renewal ceremony but my dh said they had an officiant.

To me, its not necessary because dh and I reaffirm our vows all the time in the way we treat each other. But if it seems meaningful or really important to you then I would think that your dh would at least be willing to consider it, especially since it would be private and not incur a lot of expense like a big party. Would you have a minister or officiant of some sort, or just the two of you go somewhere private, or how would it work? I would try to discuss it more with your dh to learn his feelings about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 8:25am

Let's put it this way:  he said the vows 10 years ago and promised to love and cherish you and it does appear he is doing that.  ("Ordering" you to put the children's clothing back did not appear as an act of "love and cherish").  So what makes you think repeating the same words would help your marriage, especially he is reluctant to do so?

Instead of getting hang up in words and ceremonies (however private they are), it makes more sense to get to the root of the problem and focus more on actions and behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 9:20pm

I think it would be nice for an anniversay if both people wanted to do it, maybe to go to a meaningful spot, but if he doesn't want to do it, it wouldn't have much meaning if you had to convince him.  Just remember, though, Heidi Klum and Seal did a vow renewal ceremony complete with party every year and they still got divorced--so it's really what you are doing every day to make your marriage strong.  IT's like the guy who gives you roses & a card on Valentine's Day and ignores you the rest of the year.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 8:40pm

Demontespan,

Thank you for your response.  I am not sure why you would say renewing vows in unecessary or just for show if it was a private setting, just him and I?  Why is it unecessary?  Who would we be showing off too?

You mentioned something about,   "you two appears to have other more pressing issues in your marriage your DH's willingness to renew vows (or not).  I am refering to the $16 Target Shopping episode, financial health, etc."  

I am not sure if I understand what more pressing issues would be, as this would be something to help our marriage.  I guess like a reminder of what we agreed to 10 years ago.   I was not wanting to have a party or anything, just something between him and I.

It sounds like I am the only person who really wanted to do this, but it does not seem anyone does this type of renewing vows.



Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 8:27pm

Musiclover,

Thank you for your response.  To answer your questions, he does not like to do any type of ceremony type activity, even in private.  I am gathering that it is just me who wanted to do the renewing of vows, but doesn't sound like anyone does that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 6:54pm

From what I have seen so far, you two appears to have other more pressing issues in your marriage your DH's willingness to renew vows (or not).  I am refering to the $16 Target Shopping episode, financial health, etc.

IMHO, if a relationship is solid, renewing wedding vows (or even a wedding) is just for show and entirely unnecessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 1:50pm

It's hard to know when he didn't explain why he didn't want to do it.  Were you planning to have a ceremony and invite people with a party after?  Does he not like doing things in front of people?  Would he do it if it was just the 2 of you in private?  Would he like to have an anniversary party without the renewal of vows?  Personally I do not know anyone who actually renewed their vows in public and this is going up to grandparents who were married over 50 yrs.  We have had big parties for major anniversaries in our family but there was no renewal of vows.