Is a renewed relationship 23 yrs still

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Is a renewed relationship 23 yrs still
5
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:15pm
I am back with a woman that I met while in service in 1977. We dated for 4 years and became engaged, but later went our separate ways on good terms. After 23 years our paths crossed again. She had gotten married and so had I. I had gotten separated months before our paths had crossed again. Her marriage was crumbling with very similiar issues as well. After seeing each other, we started dating each other about 10 months later. Now we have been seeing each other for 16 months. We started out slowly and it became a serious relationship, and we began talking marriage. She has 2 girls at home and I have a son.

Around the holidays, she stated that she needed some time to herself. For 20 years she had been in a terrible marriage and went from this marriage right into a relationship. Between having problems with her kids, her ex, job and then attempting to be fair in our relationship, she needed a break. Well we did have this break for about 3 months. Very little contact, nothing. Then we started seeing each other again. I got my divorce and she is working o her. Our relationship seems so much better, however, now I never hear her tell me that she loves me. We are so good together in every way. Is this something that I sould be alarmed about. Her friends tell em that she loves me and does not want anyone else, but not hearing those 3 little words, really hurts.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:33pm
Have you told her how you feel and that you need to hear it from her? Talk to her.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:50pm
Thanks,

I have not told her that I needed to hear it since we have come back together since the holidays. She sends me cards with "Sweetheart, I love you" and other things like this alot. She shows me that she loves me and we discuss future things that we want to do together, but in live conversation, I never hear I Love you. In a way I am hesitant to say something to her about it for fear of her saying something like, I can't say that now.

This weekend, she is going to the beach with the people that work with her. This is something that she has done every year for the past 12 years, this sametime each year. Part of me feels concerned, that she is going down there with out me, but part of me feels that it will be good for her to get away. Where she works there are 5 people in the shop. 2 are married and 3 are single. I was invited last year to go, since someone could not go, we had a blast.

I love this woman more then anyone ever. She knows that, my family knows that her friends know that. I just want to know that she feels the same way. I have my divorce and she just signed the papers to get hers. This has nothing to do with it , but we are 5 years apart in age, she being older. I am 47.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:49pm
Here's two books you might consider....

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

The first one about the different ways people express and show love... different styles.

The second one has exercices that you might want to consider doing with her. The questions are geared to determining what you need in a relationship and how to express them to your partner. Like list the things that make you feel welcomed into your partner's space, etc.

Anyway, I'm always amazed at what people will and won't do to make their partner feel good about the relationship.

This book: The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman - says that the reason people fall in love and stay in love isn't how they feel about the other person, but how they feel about themselves when in the other person's company.

When I got together with my bf, we discussed things that bugged us about our previous relationships. He commented that his ex never told him or expressed in any way what she felt was attractive to her about him. And that there was no romance. We both take the time to make each other comfortable, to be each other's source of flirting, giving a little ego boost now and then, as neither of us wants someone else to fill that position.

Hopefully, the reality of her divorce hasn't set her back with dealing with old feelings, grief, feeling like a failure, etc that divorcing can cause.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 7:11pm
Thank you, I will defintely look into these books. I am the type of person that needs assurance that my partner cares about me and makes me feel that I am the only one in her life. I do make her feel that she is my one and only love and no one even comes close to her. Right now she feels that she is over weight, but to me, I see past any of that.

When we first started seeing each other again, many times she would tell me how good it feels to be in my arms and how good I look. Now, once in a while she will tell me how good it feels to cuddle with me and to be in my arms.

I do love this woman and really want to marry her in the near future, BUT I don't want to throw away years together if she does not feel anything like that for me.

Any Ideas. Have you seen, heard or been in a situation like this before?

Thanks

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 7:51pm
I have to say, I don't quite understand your line of reasoning. You'd rather wonder about why she's not saying it, and stress about it, than ask her? Wouldn't it be better to KNOW the answer (even if it's not what you want to hear) than wonder and stress??? That way you can make an informed choice about whether it's worth continuing in this relationship.

Sheri