The right thing or the easy way out?

Avatar for orchid7204
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
The right thing or the easy way out?
1
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 9:59am
I have a situation that I am about 80% sure of what I need to do here, but I guess I am looking for some validation from neutral 3rd parties.

The quick and dirty on the situation: I've known this guy for about 5 years now, even while both of us were in relationships we've been friends. I consider him one of my best friends, but I think that I am more into it that he was. For example, remembering birthdays and just random acts of niceness are not his forte. But I chalk that up to his being a guy and let it go. Every once in awhile he'll surprise me and pay for dinner or a movie, but the majority of the time, it's just two friends going out to talk and have a beer, which was fine with me because we really do get along well and I like being around him and I think that part is mutual.

However, about 2 or 3 months ago the idea was brought up (by him) that we should start a sexual realtionship on the side. Neither of us were dating at the time, so to him, this was just an obvious move to make. My argument against it was that I would not be able to seperate the emotion from the act and starting something would mess everything up. Well, long story short, I gave in. We've been together a handful of times and like I figured, it's getting weird for me. He's treating me like always - the buddy - which is what I would expect, but I am having a hard time with that. I feel like I deserve more. For him just to be more thoughtful of me.

I am pretty sure how he feels about everything - he's happy as things are. I am definately not. My solution is to stop the sexual side of things because I just can't seperate it.

I need to talk to him about this, but I just don't know how far to take it. I think that I need a break from him for a few months, but I would love to salvage the friendship if possible. Also, I worry that he might perceive this as forcing his hand..an ultimatum if you will. The reason I say this is that just this weekend we were talking and he made it a point to tell me that while he was visiting his mom over 4th of July, she kept telling him that him and I should just get married and get it over with. (I've known his family since the 6th grade as I was really good friends with his sister growing up). In retrospect, I wonder why he would bring this up? It is not one of the normal conversations we would have.

Does this make sense or am I just taking the easy way out here by thinking that cutting off contact is the only way to solve this? I admit that I have feelings for him, but to be honest, I don't know if the feelings are real or that they are just a side effect of the fact that I am without a boyfriend now and I am projecting that to our situation.

I am sure this kind of situation has been posted before, and it's entirely possible that I am overthinking the whole thing, but any opinions would be appreciated.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 12:12pm
orchid7204...

Do you remember the Teri Garr comment from the movie: "TOOTSIE?" She and Dustin Hoffman had just made love in her apartment, she's looking at herself under the covers and Teri's next line was: "Sex changes everything!"

You've had a comfortable 5-year buddy relationship with this man...and it appears that you'd like it to remain on the same level. While many men often wonder how a close woman friend would respond 'under the sheets'---women often are embarrassed by the thought of taking a friendship to the next level? Pianoguy senses this is how you feel.

Take a breather for a month...and see if the separation will help the 2 of you understand that a good friendship DOESN'T have to be anything more!

After reading so many of these posts, I'm convinced that some "friendships" shouldn't have gone beyond....err...friendship!

Pianoguy