Risking it all and scared about it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Risking it all and scared about it...
3
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:44am
4 years ago I met my best friend. A few months later, he moved in and became my roommate. For the last 4 years, it's been very up and down, with neither of us committing to anything serious. We did care about each other, and even admitted to love, but with the way our lives were, there was little stability, and lots of arguments and misunderstandings. Then, back in August, we became engaged, out of the blue. We were happy about it, but then things from the past reared their ugly heads, and we were both hurt by what the other did. And so the engagement was called off. Even before the engagement, I had become more and more withdrawn from him because of the way he treated me. It became worse after the engagement was called off. In December I admitted that I wanted another chance, and it lasted about 1 week before we were back to being distant.

Admittedly, for a while the "relationship" was voliatile. But we've both moved out of the house that I owned, are now sharing an apartment, and we are both in stable, good paying jobs. It seems like the stability is working its way into our lives more permanently. I look back and see that I treated him poorly, and hurt him by rejecting his love. I have loved him all this time, but was too afraid to commit, to leave myself vulnerable to being hurt, to open up.

A few days ago, I professed my undying love to him. That I wanted stability, that I wanted him in my life as my companion, best friend, and lover. I told him that I had forgiven him for everything, and that I was ready to move forward. He responded that he didn't know how he felt right now becaue of everything that had happened in the last 6 months. I don't blame him. But I don't want to lose. I think we are both in a position to try a real relationship, founded in trust, honesty, and love. But I'm so scared. he says he just needs some time, but he may very well decide that it's best for us to remain friends only. I don't know what to do. If it's going to be friendship only, I don't want to open myself up anymore than I have. It would hurt too much to be rejected.

Am I just dreaming an impossible dream? I accept him, 100% the way he is. I wouldn't have him any other way. But what do I do now? Is time what we need to show him that I really do love him that it won't change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:06am
How have you both changed, positively to prevent the turmoil, fights and disrespect from happening again? What have you done proactively to change? How will things be different other than just wanting the relationship to improve?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:34am
We have both let go of our grudges and buried anger. I know I've forgiven him for the things he's done in the past, and I he told me that he has, too. Most importantly, I've forgiven myself.

I treat him with the respect he's due, and I trust him. I am more honest about my feelings with him, and I know he's been honest with me. We both want stability and are doing what we can in our daily lives to make that happen.

There are so many other things I know I am working on--little changes that make big differences, but they are there. What else do you think we need to focus on, or I need to focus on?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:43am

If you are living together and have feelings for him, and yet are remaining only "friends" (in a non-romantic relationship), this is not a healthy situation for you. Clearly this relationship has been back and forth, up and down. Friendship is lovely, but that is not where your feelings are. If you are staying there, hoping that things will change, you are setting yourself up for the possibility of a lot of disappointment and pain. To begin, you must be clear about your feelings (as you now are). If he is not, or if he feels safest as friends right now, the best thing to do would be for you to set a clear time frame and deadline in your own mind about how long you are going to let this go on. Set a time by which if he does not want to make this a romantic relationship, you stop living together. Right now he is getting the benefit of your closeness and