a rough three years

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2013
a rough three years
6
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 3:41pm

                           I  have been involved with a man for three years we have had quite a bumpy road, this man I feel that I am seeing is very verbally abusive, we  had  a conversation the other night and he said I walk all over him when he is talking, the way I avoid confrontation is I hang  up on  him, this may be childlike but this is the way I deal with him. He left me a message on my voicemail which was extremely vulgar and told me I was the C word. What should I do get away from him or hang in there.  He has not had a relationship with his family for over six years. (what should I do with this relationship?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 7:18pm

I agree--why would you continue to subject yourself to this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 7:38pm

Why would you even stay with someone who calls you vulgar names and is abusive? The fact that he has no relationships with his family members should put up a red flag too. Why do you think that is? Could it be that he's also been vulgar and abusive to them?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 11:08am

katy8206 wrote:
<p>                           I  have been involved with a man for three years we have had quite a bumpy road, this man I feel that I am seeing is very verbally abusive, we  had  a conversation the other night and he said I walk all over him when he is talking, the way I avoid confrontation is I hang  up on  him, this may be childlike but this is the way I deal with him. He left me a message on my voicemail which was extremely vulgar and told me I was the C word. What should I do get away from him or hang in there.  He has not had a relationship with his family for over six years. (what should I do with this relationship?)</p>

when was the first time he was abusive to you?  What did you think after that happened?

Do you walk over him when he's talking or hang up to avoid confrontation mainly because you're trying to avoid confrontation?  I see nothing wrong in attempting to avert an unnecessary hysterical tantrum he's about to throw.

I'm stunned that after him calling you the C word, that you would actually ask if you should hang in there.

What should you do with this relationship? Leave it. Staying isn't going to mend his blown up bridge back to his family--that is something he's going to have to build on his own without your help.

You get away from him by not seeing him anymore. First, get all of your belongings out of his house that have any value to you.  Give him back whatever he's got at your house.  Block his phone number; block his emails. Do not entertain any pleas from him to give him a second chance. If you are such a C word to him, then might as well act the part and show him that he's right on that count when it comes to you and the preservation of your esteem.  Someone has to stand sentry to it and it might as well be you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 7:18pm

Katy,

If feel you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE . Please also check out our Crisis Information & Community Website.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 4:57pm

  It sounds like neither side can communicate well.  That alone is a big red flag.  Is he abusive? Are you abusive?  It sounds as it a translator is necessary.  If there is no communication or poor communications the relationship will be frustration itself.  You cannot change him but you can change yourself.  Just hanging up does not sound like an adult.  It could very well be that there is a underlying incompatibility too.  And what does his relationship with his family have to do with anything?

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Sun, 04-20-2014 - 10:12am

If you have been putting up with abuse for three years now I am here to testify that it never get;s better it just get's worse.  I thought 17 years ago I could change him if I just loved him enough!  That was just denial all the way on my part.  Abusive people do not get better they just get worse.  I've been in two abusive marriages now, stupid I know, but they are what they are and nothing ever changes because we enable them to abuse us.  It's scary to leave but happiness is the goal and I may be broke but at least I feel much better about myself and I am a lot happier without him!  Good-luck.  Jo M.