Running from love
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| Tue, 08-24-2004 - 6:19am |
Two months ago I met a man and we 'clicked' immediately. He is 41, I am 49 and never married. We became very close and felt like we had known each other for years. We both had a sense of 'coming home'. We were very attracted to each other in all ways (all ways possible in a brief time). We shared many interests and had similar values. We both felt that after two weeks we were 'falling in love'. So he abruptly ended it after two weeks because he was afraid of being hurt. There was no tapering off of the relationship it he just ended it one day. He was very upset about it and did momentarily question his decision, but that was that.
He had been married for 15 years and his marriage ended painfully 3 years ago. He suffered physical symptoms of anxiety when it ended and the closeness he had with me triggered these anxiety feels again. He told me this after ending the relationship with me. So he has 'run away'. He is seeing a counsellor but doesn't want to see me because we will be close again and he can't handle that. He is so afraid of being hurt that he has chosen to end things with me despite (or because) of it being so good with me. Four weeks later he said that he still felt the same things for me so can't see me. He feels the loss of what we had in the same way that I do despite the brevity of the relationship. He is happy to hear from me if I phone him, but he is true to his word that he is withdrawing into himself and he never contacts me. He says he 'doesn't mind' if I phone him but he can give me nothing right now. He has drawn right away from me and because we live three hours from each other it has been easy for it to become a case of 'out of sight out of mind'.
From my point of view I feel very rejected, and it triggers for me the same feelings as if he left me for someone else, or that he lost his feelings for me. I know these feelings are based on my own past experience and I know intellectually that his feelings for me were good feelings and that he ended it because of his fears and because he felt so much for me, but that doesn't stop my feelings of rejection.
Despite my negative feelings I feel very lucky to have met him and felt the way that I did. However, it is incredibly frustrating because of the potential between us. We didn't actually talk about the future when we were together. He said later that there had been no need to talk about the future because we both knew we had one together. How ironic!
I would have liked us to still see each other as he works through his issues, but for his own reasons, which I don't know, he says he cannot see me. I feel I must respect his wishes. but I do not understand how he can withdraw so totally from me after feeling so much. I wonder if he ever thinks about me now 6 weeks later or has he pushed it all out of his mind and has a sense of relief.
So, what do I do? I know I must get on with my life, and I am, but I want to leave room for him to return if he works through things and still feels positive about me. Is this a wise thing to do on my part? Would I be waiting pathetically and in vain? If there is a possibility of a future I would like to take that chance, as the relationship appeared to have the potential to be the best I have ever had. How should I handle all of this? I want to write him a letter (will he read it??) which asks him to get in touch if he ever feels he can be with me again. But I also want to ask him to honestly think if he can ever see us together again, and if he cannot then he should let me know. But would he be able to answer that now? Is it unfair of me to ask him that question?
I would appreciate some advice.
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