Sad Angry Confused Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sad Angry Confused Please help!
11
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 8:19am
Hi, I will try and make this short, have been seeing boyfreind for 7 months, we are both married, and have both been seperated from our ex's for 2 years. I have one young kid, he has 2 older kids, we see each other average 3 times a week,(he phones everyday) the problem is he has never told me he loves me and i feel that i am fitted into his plans, (kids, work ect all come before me). When we first met he was very attentive and would make a big effet to do what i wanted, ect, now it seems like I am just there when he can fit me in. He has started saying things like he has "issues" to sort out, I recently went to a family wedding with him, but his kids said they didn,t want to meet me and since then he has acted oddly, he is not so affectinate and i have not seen so much of him, if his kids want to stay at his and he has already made plans with me, he drops me and says we will have to go out another night. We had a row a few weeks ago and both said we should spend time on our own, then in the morning it all carried on as normal,The question is, am I being slightly selfish or should we both know what we want by now being 7 months into the relationship, we are both in our 30,s. Any advice would be appreciated as I just feel I want to give up, it is taking over my life and I feel unhappy.Should I know better, am I acting like a child. I dont think this is the way to feel if you are in a happy relationship and feel as though I am acting like a teenager.

Thanks in advance for any help or thoughts.

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 2:00pm

Hi Mary


You say his kids are "older", do you mean as in grown up or how old?


I am a divorced mom of two kids and those kids always come first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 6:21am
Mary...

All "rebound romances" usually go one direction or another. In other words...they grow into something permanent...or become passive....and sadly, yours is becoming PASSIVE!

When you're a "separated, non-divorced partner" for somebody...it's unlikely there will ever be a commitment. Because the excuses of "I'm still married, I've got children who depend upon me, I've got a poker game with the guys tonight"...or anything else...WILL ALWAYS BE THE PRIORITY.

Now ask yourself an honest question. Are you going to permit yourself to continue in a relationship where you're not any better than a wet dish rag? You'll be around to console and clean up the messes (when they occur)...but it doesn't sound like you've got much of a future.

Think about it.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:23am
but pianoguy ---- a parent is always a parent - whether they are married, divorced, or separated. i don't disagree with yo uthat both of these people are in limbo - but that has nothing to do with the kids, IMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:26am

hi mary. I think your problem is that you both already KNOW what you want in a relationship, and you want different things. you want more of a committed relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:07am
Well I had a chat to him and does not see it the same way. Any night he is not working or one of his children are not staying he is with me. He says he takes me out all the time, and treats me well, takes me to restaurants, concerts,nights out with his friends, trips away ect. He only sees his children once a week sometimes they stay longer in the holidays and he likes being a dad to them, (they are teenagers in college). He found it hard and did not know what to do when they did not want to meet me. He said give them time. When I said that i felt like he was seeing less of me, he said that I should not think anything when he is working and cant see me or is too busy to call me. (Like I said he phones at least once a day). Too be honest I think he thought it was funny and that I was over reacting. Just thought I would let you know his side, when I put it to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:15am
I agree with you, sk1960...

But as WE BOTH KNOW...children are often one of the buffers (aka the EXCUSES) why one half of a relationship can't (or won't) work out. For some people in the situation that was described---it's always easier to use children as the reason for something that WON'T develop...instead of facing the truth that the 'romantic chemistry' between a couple just isn't there.

Pianoguy

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:46pm

So where does this leave you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:57pm
Mary,

I can relate to what you are going through. I am in the middle of a divorce and have been seeing my current boyfriend for 13 months now. My ex is fighting the divorce all the way and I have two girls of my own. My oldest daughter is very hesitant towards my boyfriend (though she is warming up). He has a daughter of his own that lives in a neighboring state. I met her for the first time in November of last year. I was very nervous and in now way wanted to cramp her space with her father. She was not the loving child I expected, from his character anyway, she was very snobby and a little show off. It took two days of trying to get to know her better. I might add that I had my two daughters with me as well ( 7 and 8) and she is 8. Finally, I backed off and let her see what a down to earth loving person I am. By the second night she had warmed up to me, even asking if she could visit me sometime. It is not easy and it can really put a weight on your relationship if the children and you don't click. My advice, be patient. Right now he doesn't know how to react to your relationship because of the children. It is actually a good quality he is showing - love and respect for his children. That should show you that in good time he could be the loving respectful man we all want and need. Good luck to you and keep your chin up. No one ever said love was easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:22pm
he doesn't want you enough.

your partner has to want you- Enough.

not enough doesn't work.

you know that by now.

you need to look for someone who wants you enough.

don't waste your time & your child should have your energy/time -unless it's w/ a man who will be a good step-father to her.

that means fully. day in day out. no shaming his/her mom. no, he is not better than nothing. why are you being like you don't know the truth.

he doesn't really want you in his life- just a little on the side.

geez! that's better than getting the whole enchillada??

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:55am
First, I'd like to say thanks for the responce, I am not one for sharing my feelings with anybody and this is a whole new experience to me. After speaking to him on Saturday I have to say that I felt it was me winding my self up. He has never said that he does not want to be in a relationship with me, on the contary he has spoken a few times about what it would be like not seeing me anymore. I suddenly wanted him more (have not actually told him that) and at that same time there was the problem of me meeting his children, which did,nt go to plan, (ie, they prefered not to come over and meet me) and I felt left out. I am fascinated at the reaction of your replies, and the general status of them is, that he is not interested in me. I have always been in relationships that I have been in control of and I know I am not in this one. Mayby my reason for panic!. So are you all saying that after 7 months if I feel insecure then it is not worth carrying on with. As if it was right I would not feel like I did last week!. He is not giving me the right responce that he should!. Should he have told me by now thats he loves me and wants to marry me!,(he has said these things, but he had had a few drinks so I dismissed them and joked back). I,m not sure what to do now, say something, carry on, or finish it. From the comments given it does seem as though everyone knows something I dont. I also spoke to my freind yesterday and she said I am being stupid, and that he adores me, but of course that is my freind, and she would say that wouldn't she!. Well thanks for replies,

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