Sad, confused and NEED MAJOR HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sad, confused and NEED MAJOR HELP
16
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:24pm
Hi, I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 3 and a half months. We are both in our mid twenties. The first month he would call me everyday, we couldn't get enough of each other and we fell in love with each other. He even told me that someday he was going to ask me to marry him and we would have 2 kids together, and I also had met his family and they liked me.

Then, when the second month started, he called me less - oh, about once a week. He at that point was moving into a house he just bought and fixing up rent for four male roommates to last for about a year. He only moved about ten or fifteen minutes away (before he moved, we lived in walking distance from each other). And, with all this going on we did not see each other as much. Also, I started a new job nearby around then. Yet, he always reassured me on the phone and in person that he loved me very much and missed me too. That was what was most important to me anyways, so I figured that this distance we were having was just a rough time and that with love, we would get through it and later get back to the way things were before.

By the time the third month came, things had remained the same. We still hardly saw each other and did not talk that much, yet everytime we did talk on the phone we did say I love you to each other. I really do love him but things were getting difficult at that point. I told him that I think we should be spending more time together and he agreed to that. In fact, two weeks ago, he said on the phone that his weekly softball games would be starting again and I should come see - that was something I really enjoyed going to.

The bottom line is that sometimes he says he will call and doesn't. There were even a couple times when he said he wanted us to go out on a certain day of the week, yet it never followed through.

I am at a point right now where I am very sad, upset and confused because I have left some messages on his phone in the past 2 weeks for him to call me back and he hasn't yet. I also called his mom for the second time in the past two months to ask if she knew anything because I was worried. The first time I did that he called me back asap and reassured me that he loved me and we would spend more time together. The second time I called his mom which was just last night I said the same thing and she says she knows nothing and I could tell that she was really flustered with me calling which makes me even more sad to think that she is flustered with me - because I want to have a good impression with his parents but now I am worried about that also.

I have always believed that if two people love each other, they should do what they can to try to work things out before calling it quits. And, I am especially sad and confused in this case because I don't know what is going on and I deserve some answers. I don't understand how he could feel so strongly and so in love with me in the first month and then go to still loving me, yet not as strong as before. I am so confused and sad and I definitely deserve answers. I want us to try to work things out. Please give ANY advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:07pm
Thank you all. Although the responses are tough to read, I can see some truth in them. I will move on and I guess I have learned some important things. It is just that it is very hard for me to understand why things turned out like this.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:12pm
One important thing you should take away from this experience:

You should want more for yourself than just to be loved and to be reassured of your "loveability". You need to also love the qualities in the other person. Being rude is not a quality to love. Set yourself some boundaries. YOU be the one to decide that you will NOT stand for this treatment. YOU be the one to say "sorry, if you haven't been able to find time for me in an ENTIRE MONTH, then you just lost out on something good". You need to trust in yourself and trust in your wants, needs and make your own boundaries.

As for calling his mother....oooohh..I have been with my bf for 6 years and I would still never never call and ask his mother if she know what's going on. Also, as a mom of a 15 year old who DOES date, I would be very put off and uncomfortable with a young lady asking me why he hasn't called her. He's young enough where his relationships ARE my business (to an extent) but I don't get involved directly. I also know that he would be absolutely mortified if a girl called and asked me about him. I try to steer him in the right direction, but...well, that just wouldn't be good. He is my son though and I love him first. A girl he's known for 3 months, honestly, doesn't mean all that much to me. I understand that you were probably feeling a bit desparate, but it's definitely something you should learn from and not repeat.

All that said, I think you have received some good advice. This guy is no good and you deserve much more than to just have someone *say* he loves you but then *show* you that he doesn't. You should find someone that YOU love. Figure out the qualities that YOU are looking for. And to do that, the very first step is to go out and do things with your family, friends, even by yourself to find out what you are all about. Then you'll find Mr. Right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:37am


Please please forgive me but while I can see why you are sad, I cannot for the life of me see what is confusing about this situation, or why you are asking for help...

Anyone who reads your message will tell you more or less the same thing - he was infatuated for a month; he no longer is; you still are. He is too much of a coward to come out with it, so he's 'making it easier for you' (lots of men's idiotic belief) by occasionally phoning and talking nonsense that is not true. If a man is keen on a woman, he will want to see her - again and again, 3, 4 5 times a week, and phone her, on his own initiative, again and again. If a man is keen on a woman he will NOT stay away for a month. I just cannot understand how you can be so naive as to belive him when he tells you his fairytales on the phone - when he bothers to return your calls that is. I can understand even less why in God's name you keep phoning, hoping, waiting and believing. This man moved on ages ago. All you can do is do the same.

If you said you were 14, you'd have an excuse... but mid-twenties... surely you're old enough to see what's happened here and what needs to be done for the best?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:23am
Believe me, honey, things could be so much worse. That night you spent with him and his family (terrible idea so soon in the relationship) could have ended with a bun in the oven and no one to help carry the load. Imagine what that heartbreak could do to a woman over time.

Everyone who posted has given you sound advice. Take it and run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:14am
Okay , I think you answered some of your own question when you said "I don't know how someone could feel so strongly in the first month." I understand love should have no time limit, but I personally think that one month is a bit soon to discuss marriage, kids, etc. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, there are lots of people that fall in love quickly and get married and all that, just not often. I couldn't tell you what his intentions were... trying to get in your pants or whatever. Maybe he lost interest, maybe he really is busy? Either way, it's seems to me like things are moving a bit too fast for him. I think you should give him a call, ONCE and let him know that you want to get together and have a chat regarding your relationship or whatever. Don't sweat him and call him numerous times or go calling his mother. That is one of the worst things you can do because you come across as some psychotic stalker. You really don't know his mom well enough to call her asking where her twenty-something year old son is? Just call him , leave a message if you have to ... and leave it to him to return your call. If he is unrelyable and not paying you much attention, it's safe to say you should move on and not waste your time on someone who doesn't have the decency to tell you himself that he is no longer interested or doesn't have time for you. But if you get together, just share your concerns with him. Don't be all begging him and whining about missing him. Ask him what's up and let him know that you really care about him and would like to persue a relationship but you aren't going to tolerate being disrespected. Meaning if he makes a date with u he needs to keep it or call in advance. He needs to make "some" kind of time for you so your relationship can develop more and grow. That kind of deal.

good luck hon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:46pm

re-read my post


then dump him.


keep in mind... even when you're busy: 15 minutes is NOT a long time to travel or drive to see someone you LOVE . Obviously he isnt making any effort for anything other than to come up with excuses.


dump him.


secondly... re-read ALL of YOUR posts and pretend that its your best freind writing to you about her boyfreind. maybe it will help you see things a little differently.


ps. DUMP HIM.


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