Saving a relationship with damaged trust
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| Sun, 05-04-2008 - 7:07am |
I need help understanding what I can do to rebuild trust in a long-distance relationship.
The other post has all the details if it matters - I wrote it like it mattered and realize its all detail noise. What I need help with is how to rebuild trust when 1000 miles sperates me from my love, and there is history of lies.
The brief view is I dated a gal for 4 yrs that I knew was wrong and not going anywhere. In the past year I met a great woman and we clicked - she knew about the girlfriend and that I wanted out. I was not strong and let the old relationship linger, trying to find a polite, easy and pain free way out.
Trying to prevent hurt, I stayed when I should have left - in retrospect I was manipulated by the old girlfriend. She was self abusive and created situations where I felt responsible. This created guilt and I wanted to help, so I stayed and in the process lied to girl I'm head over heels for.
So now we are here, it's been a year and I'm finally free of the guilt, manipulation and chaos of the past. The problem is the girl I'm crazy for (Lisa) feels she cant trust me, that what I did in the past is who I am and will always be.
Its not me, I've never been in this situation before - I dont want two relationships or multiple girlfiends; regardless, I've breached the trust and Lisa isnt sure she would ever be able to trust me again. I've told her all I can, I've tried to demonstrate that what I did was not me, but me acting out of feeings of guilt/responsibility.
I want the relationship with Lisa, am fully available and ready, yet the past is hindering being able to go forward.
Please help save us with ideas, advice, guidance and prayer.

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you are in a tough spot.Now, lisa is reluctant but not has not closed on you.that means you can make it work. trust is not that you say it and the other person just accepts, if thats the case then even you wont believe it!
You have made a head on by getting to your cool state and ready but she is struggling with herself.She could have shut on you ( which normally anyone would)but i guess she too wants to give you a chance.You have to have a lot of patience and understanding towards her.its not going to happen in few days.
Mostly people would ask you to move on but you can do it before she shuts down on you completely.A doubt always has a chance to clear up.dont let pride in.I am sure she is hurting and needs you.
Everyone makes mistakes, and that is ok as long as you learn from them and don't repeat them....but if she can't get past this there is NOTHING you can do to change that. You are responsible for yourself only and your actions...you can't make her trust you unless she is willing. She might be thinking if he will do this with me he will do it to me, and that is a valid way for her to think.
You need to step back and realize a couple of things.
1. LDR are hard enough when the relationship is well established before distance becomes involved, they are even harder when they start out that way, your relationship with her wasn't built on a solid foundation to start with (honesty, trust) a relationship has to have that to be healthy. It takes in person time to prove that you can be trusted and with the distance that will be next to impossible.
2. You started something with this girl while you were in another relationship, and most of the time those kinds of relationship don't last...after a relationship you need time to heal and get yourself in a better place before being ready for a good relationship..You didn't have this with her.
3. You say the ex manipulated you, that might be true to a point, but she could not do that to you unless YOU allowed it. It was totally your choice to lie and be deceitful no one made you do that.
This relationship with her is still fairly new and because of the distance involved, you really don't know each other that well yet. When you do get together it is like it is all new all over again, so you don't get to know the real person until you have consistant in person time together and that takes a few months no less than 6-8 to see how well you click together, with the day to day things that go on in each others lives, how they deal with issues, as long as distance is involved you are not going to have this.
If this was a deal breaker for her, it doesn't matter what you do it is not going to work, you are spinning your wheels. And because of the distance, it might not be worth it to her...it wouldn't be to me... you are not talking about a couple hrs drive from each other you are talking about 1000 miles apart. The odds of this working out are very slim right now, until the distance is not a factor.
Thank you for the perspective, I am sure she is hurting as well and because of this belief I backed off on communications - the past two weeks our email and phone calls slowed.
It was hard for me not to try and reach out cause I miss her and wanted her to understand how much I wanted her, and how hard it was to be without her. My hope was that the time would allow healing, as I know from reading that feelings can swing a lot right after a such a major event.
Now that everything from the past is out, Lisa is all I want to focus on - and it's hard not to share. Having disciplined myself not to call/email too often, I did stay in touch letting her know how much I want her, how wrong I was, how sorry I am, and try to explain that while my actions were wrong, the intent was to be helpful.
In the middle of all this she had a birthday and I think this had an effect as well, tho hard for me to know how much.
Bottom line, having given time it seems her views moved from being open to consideration to thinking it may be too much work. Yet while she is now saying it cant work, she has bounced back and forth a bit on her view.
I'm confused as to if I should continue to give space - this feels like it would create furhter distance rather than healing, or to continue letting her know I am here, I was wrong, sorry, etc.
Thoughts???
Can you help me better understand if there is an action you're suggesting that can help lead to understanding of what happened and the opportunity to build trust?
I backed off on communications partly at her request and because I thought it may help clear feelings of anger, hurt, etc.
I did learn from the experience, and my behavior is not who I am as a person - this is not a pattern. I fully agree that I am responsible for my actions, yet at the same time I think most of us have experienced situations where you're not aware of how another actions impact your feels/resulting actions (hence the term manipluation)
I view the challenge I face as reestablishing trust, having the opportunity to show her that my behaviors are not who I am, yet a series of bad choices reacting to someone manipulating feelings.
My struggle is to understand the best set of actions that I can take to show how much I want her, how much I am willing to work for us, and prove that what happened in the past is not who I am. The biggest challenge seems to be her fear that my past actions represent who I am - not the case yet hard to know what to do
I get your points about the challenges of LDR, the miles I see of as less an issue as a plane flight takes about the same time as a drive. Yes, less convinent but still possible for frequent connections.
Thoughts???
" Yet while she is now saying it cant work, she has bounced back and forth a bit on her view"
this will happen till she reaches a decision as to if she wants to work it out with you or move on without you.
" I'm confused as to if I should continue to give space - this feels like it would create furhter distance rather than healing, or to continue letting her know I am here, I was wrong, sorry, etc."
a bit of space is always healthy but i agree, if you give too much it will slowly drift you apart to a point of no return.Dont keep repeating sorry etc. Try to live a normal R ,having a small laugh here and there , doing things which you both did earlier and see how it goes.BUT, always remember what you did and dont try to ignore ( in your mind )or forget because then it will make you overstep the boundary for which she is not ready.
Take it slow but dont give too much space and remember that when she retracts its just because she is struggling inside.Now , another point is why is she struggling? only as she still has feeings for you.
Good Luck.
Good luck.
Before you can try to reestablish yourself with Lisa (or is it Marie?) you need to be in a good place.
Hi and thanks for the perspective
Here is an update - after taking time allow feelings to calm, it seems Lisa has decided she wont try any longer. In her mind she would always be wondering about me and does not want to live this way.
So, I've tried sharing why a dork I was, I've explained what I've learned - I've been reading a book on "Getting to Committment", she knows I will do anything for her and yet it seems the door is closed.
Part of me wants to see this as an on-going aspect of healing, that she has more to process because of all this and wants/needs more space than ever before. While I would hope for a change in perhaps months, it seems less prudent to think this way each passing day.
If you have advie or guidance on what could work to not have her heart shut and locked forever please let me know - I feel like I am slowly dying without her and not sure there is anything I can do at this time
Lisa observed that you are a conflict avoider.
I have to say, if I were in a situation with someone who was being so weasly about accepting responsibility for his choices, I wouldn't be inclined to give him much of a chance either.
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