Saving a relationship with damaged trust
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| Sun, 05-04-2008 - 7:07am |
I need help understanding what I can do to rebuild trust in a long-distance relationship.
The other post has all the details if it matters - I wrote it like it mattered and realize its all detail noise. What I need help with is how to rebuild trust when 1000 miles sperates me from my love, and there is history of lies.
The brief view is I dated a gal for 4 yrs that I knew was wrong and not going anywhere. In the past year I met a great woman and we clicked - she knew about the girlfriend and that I wanted out. I was not strong and let the old relationship linger, trying to find a polite, easy and pain free way out.
Trying to prevent hurt, I stayed when I should have left - in retrospect I was manipulated by the old girlfriend. She was self abusive and created situations where I felt responsible. This created guilt and I wanted to help, so I stayed and in the process lied to girl I'm head over heels for.
So now we are here, it's been a year and I'm finally free of the guilt, manipulation and chaos of the past. The problem is the girl I'm crazy for (Lisa) feels she cant trust me, that what I did in the past is who I am and will always be.
Its not me, I've never been in this situation before - I dont want two relationships or multiple girlfiends; regardless, I've breached the trust and Lisa isnt sure she would ever be able to trust me again. I've told her all I can, I've tried to demonstrate that what I did was not me, but me acting out of feeings of guilt/responsibility.
I want the relationship with Lisa, am fully available and ready, yet the past is hindering being able to go forward.
Please help save us with ideas, advice, guidance and prayer.

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I somehow skipped that its a LDR and that too 1000 miles!! Unfortunately you cant do anything.Because she surely has thoughts like the other posters have put rightly and you cant undo them on phone or e-mails.Your presence is important on day to day basis when you can show. Else its just words for her which could be meaningless now .How can she be sure what you are saying is true?? She has to see and you cant do because of distance.
It will always be , ' she seems',' might','could be' etc.You can never know for sure what is going on when you are not present in her day to day life and hence cant do the right things.You were still with the OW having physical with her when her world went upside down.Now, you have gone past everything while being with the OW but she struggled all by herself and assumingly still is. At which stage she got help from you? No where , except some calls , texts or e-mails?? They dont do what your physical presence would.
Now dont take me wrong,but i am sure you cant even face her. Accept that you have lost what was or could be.
Thanks - Great insight!
My wonder is if there is any amount of time or action that I can take to help change her opinion.
At this point we seldom communicate, and the communications we have are via email - my sharing with her that I want her totally, and offering ideas from a book she provided on Commitment - ideas to try and get us past this state.
It seems difficult to demonstrate responsibility, accountability for my actions and anything else when communications are strained.
What I've resigned myself to is sharing emails about my feelings for her, how we may have gotten into the spot we were in, and hope that perhaps sharing with her she may see other perspectives - if not, then it feels like communications stops and end of story
What do you think?
Only wanted to correct you here ," how we may have gotten into the spot we were" , why 'we'?? its only you. You have done wrong ,why include her when its entirely your fault? How will giving her 'ideas' work when you are just about a 1000 miles away? feeding lines like, after 2 months if i come to visit you, we will do this?
Take a month long vacation ,visit her and work on proving yourself rather than feeding her lines again to which she will not give in again,i am sure.If she was, you wont be here.
Just my 2 cents.
Again, what you are hoping is that everything gets soughted out on e-mails and when you see her , she just hugs you .No.You have to do little things everyday.
"At this point we seldom communicate, and the communications we have are via email - my sharing with her that I want her totally, and offering ideas from a book she provided on Commitment - ideas to try and get us past this state."
If you keep telling her stuff like this without resolving the underlying issue of you being somewhat weasel-ish she's not going to bite.
Thanks for the feedback - and I'm not sure I follow the idea of being weasel-ish, so I must be missing something.
What about me telling her straight-up that I want her, and 100% there for her, able to do whatever she may need to prove myself is weasel-ish?
I'm not trying to say it's not, yet I don't understand which part of this is not direct, showing my level of want, desire and commitment to changing.
I'd greatly value the insight, I'm at a spot where I'm totally open to change and welcome it to become a better person - in this relationship or not
"Thanks for the feedback - and I'm not sure I follow the idea of being weasel-ish, so I must be missing something."
Juggling the two women - having your cake and eating it.
Your actions are coming a little late and the way you made that decision (how to handle things) stays with a person for a long time and could be perceived as a character flaw by a woman who wants to date you.
You asked for the feedback.
Thanks for the feedback - I guess I have a challenge understanding the weasel-ish version since both women knew I'd been seeing the other.
I'm not defending my actions cause I should have taken a more self-assertive role. However, when you're caught in a situation where you're involved its hard to see a path out. I was wrong, yet was working to separate from Jen - it's not that I was actively pursuing two relationships.
I was trying to end the relationship with Jen and was being considerate of her requests to communicate. In retorspect I should not have put more weight on others needs than my own.
Since ending all with Jen there isnt anything weasel-ish about what I've said I'm willing to do, what I want or how I feel about Lisa.
Anyway, I think its water over the damn about the past yet dont think I'm weaselish going forward. If I missed a key fact please help me.
In order to save a relationship both people involved have to be willing to work through the pain caused by the damaged trust. It sounds as though Lisa is not willing to do so. If you have done all you can to ask for forgiveness, explain why it happened and offer to start again and she refuses consistently, there is truly nothing more you can do. Let her know that the past does not equal the present and that without forgiveness nothing can work.
It's also worthwhile noticing that this person is not able or willing to let go or forgive. That being so, She might not be the best partner for you in the long run.
All good wishes,
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You keep saying you're taking responsibility for your actions but you're really not--there's always a BUT attached to it.
You need to *stop* with the excuses--that's the point we're trying to make.
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