Saying "I love you" ?
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| Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:51am |
I've been with my boyfriend for a year. His past screams of the inability to commit to women. When we first started dating, I didn't want a commitment at all. I just wanted to be on the dating scene -- and I particularly wanted to be with HIM -- but I wasn't looking for marriage or anything. After this past year, I'm in a different place about it. I'm so completely in love with him, and I desperately wish for a commitment in the future. I find myself picturing our wedding, our children -- all of it. It's getting difficult for me to hold in my true feelings for him. I have a feeling that saying "I love you" will make him run as far from me as he can, but the fact is that I DO love him and I worry that he simply doesn't love ME. Therein lies my problem. How much longer do I repress how I feel and stew and worry over getting my heartbroken while enjoying what I have with him? I mean, how much longer can I stay in this being so unsure of where it's headed -- or not headed? It kills me to think of being without him. He's on my mind all the time. We had a discussion last weekend where he told me he's "scared of where this is headed." When I asked him to clarify, he said that he was scared of getting hurt. The thing I didn't ask was why he was scared. I'm wondering if he's scared because his feelings for *me* are just as strong as my feelings for *him* -- or if he meant that he's afraid to lose me because he won't be able to commit, and that will hurt him because I'll be gone. It's mental torture.
Is it okay to talk about intentions at this stage? I mean, I wish I could just have the strength and confidence to ask him what he's feeling inside. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of doing that. I guess I fear rejection or hearing something I don't want to hear, but I also feel so strongly for him and am investing so much of my feelings and time in him that I don't want to continue to do that and fool myself into believing that all those investments will pay off with a future for us.
We're going out of town together this weekend, and maybe it'll be a good time to say more of what's in my heart to him. I've already written his birthday card. I wrote down some of his personality traits and how wonderful they make me feel. I thanked him for his friendship and our relationship, and then I signed it "Love Zoe." That "love" part has me on edge though. I've never told him that I love him, and I fear having written that in the card. UGH. I'm just driving myself insane with all of this! I start thinking that life's too short to not tell someone how you feel and then I get all worked up and scared that he'll run away from me, so I end up just trying to play it cool and end up obsessing over what he's thinking. I try to let his actions speak for his feelings, and he's so sweet to me. I get flowers for no reason -- and he wants to be with me so much of the time, but I still have insecurities.
Can you please share your thoughts with me on how to handle all I'm feeling and fearing? I just don't want to scare him.


Wouldn't you want to know that now instead of a year from now? Honestly a year is a long time to go without saying the L word and having a talk about where the relationship is heading.
'The thing I didn't ask was why he was scared'
So it seems you are holding a lot in. A successful relationship has to include comunication. Continuing to hold things in will only result in the relationship going downhill.
A talk about where the relationship is going is long overdue. If you changed your mind, if now you want committment and marriage, he should know, and he should think about whether he wants the same things or not. Be honest. You can bear the truth. No matter how hurtful (and it does not have to be), it is better than the agony you are going through right now. If he decides to give up love because he "does not want to suffer" (how immature is that??), you are better off moving on to someone who will take his chances with you, as you will take your chances with him.
You have been with this guy for a year and still feel insecure as to where the relationship is headed?Why are you with someone who leaves you in the dark as to such important topics as to how he feels for you. I would like to think that someone wouldnt waste yours, or their time for a whole year and have no intentions of makig things work the best they can, but you deserve to know for sure.
What bothers me about this is that after a year, something makes you feel as if he still doesnt love you..to the point wher you actually fear signing love on a card.You must sit him down and let him know how you feel...he could be waiting for the same reason you are......and keep in mind thats "its better to have loved and lost , than to have never loves at all."
But I have to say a year is an awfully long time for you to walk around on emotional eggshells. I think both of you should have sat down long before now and at least stated some sort of intention.
Since you haven’t, don’t let the grass grow, just do it. Don’t worry about the card; ‘love’ is a common affectionate sign off, just think about what you’re going to tell him face to face. As for his response there are no guarantees, but if you feel this strongly, there is a great chance that he will too.