Saying "I love you" issues...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Saying "I love you" issues...
11
Sat, 07-26-2008 - 8:30pm

Has anybody ever been with a guy for 2+ years and not had him saying he loves you??

The guy I'm with currently said that he loves me too much (the only time he's said he loves me that was how he said it). Then he told me that he had never said it in any of his past relationships (which he's had at least a couple 2 or 3 year relationships). What should I take from this? How can you be a relationship for that long and not love the other person?? Our relationship is still rather young as well (about 2 months). Should I ask him about it or believe him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 12:05am

I have never dated anyone who said that he loved me too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 12:58am

Welcome to the board bethc86,


Do you believe him or don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 3:35am

Thanks for the welcome and the posts. :)

Initially, I believed him, but I wanted the opinions of those not swayed by the romantic charms. I should have also mentioned that after the first month we have been on long distance terms (and will be for another month)...so really he said it even earlier than 2 months. And I wouldn't really be questioning it except after later realizing he has not said it to any of his previous girlfriends. He's 29, much more experienced with relationships than I am. It strikes me as a bit curious that he hasn't fallen in love (or at least never told them). Isn't being with somebody for three years a waste of each person's time if love isn't there? I don't know, but I could never commit to a long-term relationship if I didn't love the person.

The length of the relationship is short so far, but we were seeing each other almost everyday for that first month (not out of obsession, but because we were on a structured study abroad together). He's always treated me very well. He's given me quality time and a couple of gifts, but people not in love could do that too, right? What's the difference between a declaration of love through gift giving and just giving gift (minus the love)?

I don't like to ask tough questions to him. He'll answer, but it'll be short. Maybe I'm asking inappropriate questions. For example, how long was your longest relationship? Three years. Or, are we in a relationship? Yeah, I think so. I mean, usually we converse fine, but those kinds of questions are almost uncomfortable. This strikes me as one of those kind of questions.

No, I haven't read the Five Love Languages. Is it a book or an article online?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 12:56pm

If he's uncomfortable answering those easy questions 'longest relationship' and 'are we in a relationship?' I'd wonder at him being ready to be in a relationship and/or if he's really relationship material.


Five Love Languages is a book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 10:14pm

"Isn't being with somebody for three years a waste of each person's time if love isn't there? I don't know, but I could never commit to a long-term relationship if I didn't love the person."


Yes, it is a waste of everyone's time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2008
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:59am

Hi Bethc


I have met men that just don't say it in words. I like to hear it too..but I have been with them more than a couple of months before I could even be in love with them.


I was with a man that didn't say it much..but he was not use to saying it either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:55pm


Desertgal, thanks for the nice post. :) It's very encouraging, which I think is what I need right now. It seems my greatest enemy is my mind. It's trying to evaluate every little thing, catch something, or find some crack in our conversations rather than just go with things. Since we've been in a long distance relationship, the reinforcement of being in person is gone and the one-time saying he loves me....and in such a quiet whisper makes me doubt that I even heard him right. But that's just my mind playing with me.

Well I hope he is the kind of guy that just doesn't like to say I love you...as long as he still feels it. It'll go good with me once we've established a longer relationship.

Okay, new question. In past relationships, who has said "I love you" first and how far into the relationship? Was it returned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 2:19pm
When DH and I first start dating we talked about the "I love you" thing and he told me that he had never said it to anyone (the longest relationship he had before me was 2 years) not even his parents. Which I thought was sad. I said it to him first about 9 months into our relationship. We had just started living together also. At first he didn't say it back, but I was okay with that and I just continued to say it to him everynight when we went to bed. About two weeks later he said it back to me. I was glad I didn't pressure him because when he said it I knew that he really meant it. We say it to each other all the time now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 3:02pm
Isn't saying "I love you" almost pressuring the other to say it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 3:14pm
I guess it could be considered pressure. After I said it to him the first time, I ask him if he was comfortable with it and if it was okay that I said it. We have an open and honest relationship so I knew if it was something that bothered him he would have told me.

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